The Long Distance Disease

A long distance relationship is not a permanent solution.

It should only ever be temporary at most, and both parties need to always remind themselves that there is more to life than counting time zones and waiting for that call. Some people will tell you that a LDR is a test of strength to see what your relationship is made of. While that statement is true, even the most vigorous test doesn't last two years. A long distance that is just too far for far too long is anything but ideal. When the difference is as stark as night and day, and seeing each other would involve 20-hour plane rides and a hefty sum of cash, even temporary has a limit. 

The first six months were fine. We had daily Skype calls and a care package every two months. We were texting every second and the aching absence was felt so strongly. I would imagine holding his hand as I walked home from the grocery store, because I still remembered the way his hands felt. 

And then the absence goes away a tiny bit. Each person would have settled into a routine without the other. Each person had other concerns: work, school, family, friends. Life wasn't as painful anymore. Free time was still largely allocated to your partner, but daily life didn't truly involve them. Life was still good. We talked. We laughed. We did our best over spotty internet connection and a screen. We watched TV shows and gamed together.

Then there's a big change somewhere. Someone steps into a new phase of life without the other. A graduation. A celebration. A new job. A new interest or hobby. Of course, we share the news. We talk about it. We're genuinely happy for each other and we support each other. But being happy for someone is not the same as celebrating together. It slips a tiny bit, and updating each other takes more time and effort to explain everything. And then someone becomes busier with sudden workload and Skype calls are now shorter and quieter. Netflix dates are postponed. One person is significantly higher level in the same game. Suddenly the things that you've missed out seem to have grown unreasonably large. Birthdays, concerts, movie premiers. Every time an opportunity comes up, there is no option to go together. Someone feels left behind. Someone feels held back.

All those months of not being together shapes you into different people. A new social circle, or new classes, or simply just not being around each other, will change people. Relationships are about growing together, with each other. Unfortunately, a long distance relationship forces you to grow... regardless. Sometimes we can't keep up with each others' life. A weekend event or that heavy workload takes a while to remember. Inside jokes with other friends that you're not a part of. New haircuts. A detail that you assumed they would know but they don't. You would both try to stay the same but it simply doesn't happen. Life goes on. Time doesn't wait. And then one day you will realize that the person you left is not the same person sitting in front of a laptop screen. 

Then both parties have just become used to being apart. Growing used to absence. Seeing pictures of each other but not being able to watch the way their eyes light up, or stroke their hair, or feel their warmth. Carrying the ghosts of each other around without truly materializing.

A long distance relationship forces you to focus on the past and the future. There is very little substantial present to be brought to the table, and that's dangerous. If you focus on how good it was in the past, you will look up one day and realize everyone else has moved forward. If you focus on how good it will be in the future, you will risk blinding yourself to present problems. 

The good news is that for most people, the long distance is simply temporary. No one ever expects to stay in a long distance relationship forever. Eventually there must be some sort of compromise. Someone must move. Someone must come. Eventually, you will be together again.

And when that happens, the pain and loneliness of the long distance simply falls away.

So hold on. Have faith. Keep going. It will be worth it in the end.

29 and Long Distance

Before 2012, I honestly never imagined that I would find someone to fall in love with. I was apathetic and cynical about love, because I simply didn't believe in it. I scoffed at things like "true love" and "unconditional love" because to me, a relationship was about politics and carefully calculated chess moves.

I am so happy to tell the world that I was wrong. It's without a doubt that I've found the most wonderful person to join me on my life's journey, someone to hold hands with through the worst days and the best days, someone to tell me the things I need to hear as well as the things I don't want to hear, someone to put a smile on my face regardless of bad tidings or good.

I've found someone who planned his life to mine, who waited for months away from me while slowly reaching towards our goal, who supports me all the way. He shoulders the weight of responsibility quietly, always two steps ahead of me.

I don't want to lie. Long distance relationships aren't easy. It's so fucking hard. We always miss each other (in both ways), and our texts get replied hours late. Someone ends up losing sleep (usually him, even though I insist he shouldn't). We run out of things to say, sometimes, because our worlds are so different now. We exhaust the usual jokes and reminisces, our "do you remembers" because we haven't made a new "do you remember" in so long. Our excitement for gifts and parcels fizzle out because it's been forever and asking "did you get it?" every 18 hours doesn't make the parcel magically appear. Sometimes, I admit, I nearly forget the sound of his voice because we haven't spoken in so long. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we go to sleep crying separately, sometimes we say things we don't mean. Sometimes we feel like it's the end of the road, where do we go from here, and sometimes we just say nothing at all.

But most times we try our hardest. Most times we laugh over stupid YouTube videos, or play a campaign (or three) of Left 4 Dead 2, or watch a movie together. Most times we update each other on things we eat and things we do. Most times I remind him there's only a couple more weeks left before I come home. Most times we spend hours telling each other in detail about why we love each other. Most times we talk about anything and everything. Most times we have no cloud in our future together.

We've missed our second anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Yet I'm still so ridiculously happy that for the past two years we could properly celebrate these special days that I never used to celebrate. I never bothered, I never cared. Now I do, only because it means I get to spend time with him and look back on our journey.

For the days that don't require looking back though... We look forward. Because we're so young, and the world still has so much potential, and regardless of where life takes us we'll travel together.

Because I'm your tsuma, and you're my otto ♥︎ Happy 29th monthsary love! I miss you lots!!

She Doesn't Deserve Those Names.

Regarding this recent article about a Singaporean college girl being dissatisfied with her boyfriend's birthday celebration for her, I see a lot- A LOT- of comments calling her a 'bitch' and a 'gold digger', coming from both males and females.

I never saw her full written statement until today. And after reading it, I realized... she's not.

Why is it that so many people seem absolutely outraged that she was looking forward to a big birthday celebration? Why is it that people are calling her a gold digger and a bitch?

Can I just say, quite simply, that... her love language is different?

I am not one of those gold-digger girls who is looking for a rich husband. Case in point, if I were, my boyfriend would have been struck off the list long ago.

To make things clear, I myself am very generous to my boyfriend in gifting him with presents. I am not trying in any way to cheat his money. 

They've been together for slightly less than a year- true, if she was she wouldn't have even bothered that much. She also explains that she splurges on her boyfriend. All this simply point to the fact that yes, she values money and class- but that doesn't necessarily make her a gold digger.

According to the 5 love languages; of which there is affirmation, service, gifts, intimacy and quality time; she strongly displays her love with gifts, that much is obvious. That would mean that to her, she feels loved when people shower her with gifts. That would explain why she feels disappointed at a simple dinner and card: there's no gift. It's not expensive. She feels valueless. She feels that her boyfriend doesn't even care enough for her to spend on her birthday, instead bringing her to a casual place and giving her a seemingly valueless (in terms of monetary value) card. That also explains why she spends on him- because that's her way of expressing love.

Her boyfriend, on the other hand, obviously doesn't express his love the same way. He would most likely express it in terms of quality time and probably intimacy- but he obviously does not show his love with gifts. That's why, to him, he would feel that a handmade card is worth more than a store-bought gift.

It's really a simple case of misunderstanding each other's love languages- what they need to do is be aware of this, and work towards a mutual love language. (Love languages are also not exclusive; many people have a mix of all five, but there is one sort that we would feel most comfortable with.)

I can safely say that she doesn't deserve many of the negative comments she's receiving- people, that is bordering on cyber bullying- so do stop and think about it. While you're at it, check out your own love language.

Image stolen from the internet.

It's not hard to determine your own love language, and that of your partner's. Notice what they get super upset about (missing a date or not giving birthday gifts) and notice what is it they do for you that you feel super happy about. Also try to pick clues from usual conversation- notice what they mention during birthdays etc. "I love it when my boyfriend always buys me lots of gifts for Christmas! ♥︎" as opposed to "I love it when my boyfriend always asks me out for Christmas lunch! ♥︎"

Again, as I mentioned, one person can always have more than one type of love language. So do learn this and understand yourself and your partner more, for a better relationship!

*note: love language also can refer to parents, friends or others; basically anyone you have relation to.

Sparks

I love how you're my motivation

and when you smile I hit the ground

and when you kiss me gently I melt

and I end up thinking of all the things I never thought I would.

.

I love how I try my best

and I won't even get tired

because at the end I know

it's worth it; you're worth it.

.

I love how we hold hands

hold pinkies hold hearts

and the silence is nothing

but warm and comfortable

.

I didn't fight so hard

fight my self my mind my life

if I didn't hope for this

and it's so much better.

.

I think I want to keep you.

It's Okay To Be Angry.

Sometime last week I found this on Taylor's Confession page... And judging by how often we hang out at SLC and how many other couples give foot massages (read: none) I have no doubt it was directed at le petit ami.

Friends kept telling me that my anger was unnecessary and that it shows how insecure I am in my relationship. That I need to trust him, and just take a chill pill.

Let me get things straight: I am not insecure that le petit ami will run off with some other girl, because thinking that is not only far-fetched, it is an insult to him. I am, however, angry that some girls think it is okay to think of other people's boyfriends this way.

First let me address something rather alarming at the response I get: why do people say I shouldn't get angry? In fact, what is there to not get angry about? I feel violated at this statement. I feel violated on behalf of  le petit ami as well. To make it easier to digest my analysis, this confession has the following:

1. Acknowledgement of a public relationship between two people
2. Subsequent disregard of the girlfriend
3. Replacement of self into the role of the girlfriend
4. Assumption that my boyfriend would heed his/her offer of sex without love and commitment

Is my anger clear now? On all levels this person has disrespected both of us and our relationship together. A relationship that, mind you, has been smooth sailing and high flying for close to a year.

In this case I again strongly enforce that it is not wrong to be angry for the right reasons. Someone disrespecting you/your partner/your relationship IS a right reason.

Yes, this person is just saying stuff on the Internet, where bullshit can be said with no consequences, yes s/he shouldn't be a threat to our relationship if we're strong enough, yes I should trust my boyfriend... but while I do all this why am I told be chill? Why can't I be angry to defend myself?

Which brings me to secondly: the dignity of such a person. How on earth do you disrespect someone else's relationship like that? How much disrespect do you have towards yourself to offer your body in exchange for such a service, with someone you don't know and don't love? You're like a cashless version of a prostitute: I don't think I missed the mark when I name you 'bitch'. There is a great deal of hate for the third party in relationships meant for two, and there is a reason why: they don't deserve any respect, because they don't have any, for themselves or for others.

Le petit ami and I discussed the possibility of the person maybe just admiring our relationship and how well I'm treated. But I'm sensitive to words. I know this person isn't coming from the point of admiration, but selfish want. The want to have someone treat him/her like that. Look, if you want a great boyfriend, firstly be the sort of person that matches up to a great person.

For context: a great boyfriend won't cheat. If you can get a boyfriend by being the third wheel (and eventually kicking out the previous girlfriend and becoming the second), what stops the boyfriend from doing the same to you? Dumping your sorry ass for another third wheel? And so obviously he's not a great boyfriend. In short, don't do this third wheel shit because karma will come back and fuck you up.

So will the previous girlfriend, she'd probably key your car and bust his tyres, just sayin'.

It all boils down to respect: respect others, and they'll respect you too.

(Ps. There has been two other confessions about how cute le petit ami is and I wholly agree with those because of the lack of malicious motives behind such confessions. I don't get angry for nothing.)

*insert sparkly flowers*

So despite some major bumps in the road, I'm still really grateful and happy to have such tremendous support from the loving le petit ami!

Thank you, dear, for a wonderful six months! ^^

Made good use of Groupon because we're cheap college students like that and the food was surprisingly good! As well as Manhattan Fish Market holds quite a special meaning to us. C:

Another Groupon deal (this is becoming a Groupon post lol) in which we spent about an hour laughing at our own brilliant fail and general confusion.

I don't want to make this post too long and full of mushy nonsense, but thank you so much for everything. I wish we don't fall into the usual relationship pitfalls, but here's to wishing that even if we argue or that if bad feelings arise or if anything happens- we'd still be there for each other at the end of the day. :)

Love you!

Sleepless Night. Again.

Just what I need. A good dose of drama before Animax Carnival. It's a good thing I'll be dead tomorrow to fit being dead and all.

Haha.

I don't fucking know how to deal with this. I follow my will and get scolded, I don't follow my will and get told off, I do nothing and get kicked around.

Guys. GUYS. PLEASE. JUST STOP.

It's good to know that you know I'm not who I seem to be, in all honestly it relieves me somewhat because finally I understand all the accusations and sharp poisoned words. Then I am obliged to get angry because that's how you think of me: as if I'm low and shallow and falling. As if I need saving.

I could possibly be falling and not even know it.

I am torn. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Out of the fire and into the frying pan. A pinch of pepper in a mouth of chili. It's not like I don't trust and respect you. I do. But sometimes I want to walk my own ways, not the way you show me. Sure it'll be difficult and I'll probably fall and scrape my knees. But is that not how you find the most beautiful of things? That is because they're not found by the roadside?

Opposing arguments and never a neutral compromise. I don't like this any more than you do.

Trees or Forests

I've been thinking so much about relationships I've hit a dead end because I've gone so deep into the forest I can't see the trees.

Sometimes I just want to rage quit everything. I know ultimately it is my life and I should live it the way I want to. That I want to love and be loved and enjoy my youth and count stars and stare into the sun, just for kicks. That I want to sip on warm cups of coffee and cuddle of soft couches and a book in hand and the smell of lasagne cooking in the oven.

But even to my childish self I know it's not possible. Then I start to ask myself why. Why is it that I am so bitter without having yet reached the age of 20? Why is it that I doubt myself before I even start? Why is it that I can only cry thinking about the future, and not plaster on a stupid grin on my face like people my age should?

Can't I have dreams too? Why must you poison them? I dream of a life not unlike the one you've dreamed before. And I feel sorrow for you. But don't poison my dreams. Not yet.

Maybe in ten years I will be as bitter as you will be. But I won't let that happen to me. Because I have you to learn from, and that's the important part.

Leave me to live my own life.

Do You Resent Me?

What was a sign of affection

Turned into a sign of sin

And impure thoughts and dirty dreams

Simple love

The stuff of fairy tales

Grotesque disgust

The stuff of sleepless nights



When you spend your days untrusting

And your nights angry

How can you expect the carefree love

Of a tender young girl

To fall into your lap?



When you look around and see

That no one sleeps by your side

Do you cry or do you sigh?



When you look into my eyes

And see that I don't cry

(Not anymore, not like you did)

Do you resent me?

DEAL WITH IT.GIF

Something about these few days just make me want to repeatedly punch something (rather, more specifically someone), and then the short conversation I had with a certain honored family member just broke what little control I had over my pent-up rage.

What the fuck do you mean the words you said, in that tone, to my face?

My family is not only racist, but biased as well. What they don't know, they reject. I envy those other people in relationships where the two families actually know each other and are at least on cordial terms with each other.

Mom, Dad. YOU'VE NEVER EVEN MET THE GUY ON WHAT GROUNDS ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU KNOW HIM.

It is absolutely infuriating when they make assumptions based on- wait for it- his parents. For god's sake you guys have never even met his parents. The only thing you guys know is their ethnicity, which doesn't at all tell you ANYTHING about their person. It's like saying that you must be a greedy gold digger because you're Chinese. Is that fair? No? Do you care? THEN WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT. So how on earth can you, from the assumption of his parent's ethnicity, bring that forward to his personality/character/general behavior. Have you even met him. Have you even tried to talk to him with an open mind that is not blocked by whatever bias you have in that empty skull? Is that not the point of the self-fulfilling prophecy, that you are seeing only the worst because you expect the worst.

I'm not stupid. At least I'm not as stupid as either of you when it comes to relationships, and I know for sure that you two are fucked up in the head, messed up in the heart, and completely paranoid. All I want was acceptance. To allow me to make my own damn decisions, to believe that I have made the right decision, to understand that I have thought, long and hard and over a period of three fucking months about everything I could possibly try to weigh the pros and cons of, to please, for the love of Jesus fucking Christ, leave me be to live my life because I am already 18, and I'm not even the ignorant sort of 18, so STOP MAKING MY DECISIONS FOR ME.

I do not appreciate it when you tell me that I shouldn't be hanging out with my friends, or that I should stop joining TAS, that I should probably not be "too attached to anyone", all based on very weak arguments- based on stereotypes and assumptions- and then tacked on with the infuriating, "We're older and more experienced than you, so we know better. Also you should listen to us because we're your parents."

In what world is that proper valid argument.

If there is any problems with what you guys think I'm doing with my life, sure. Come and tell it to me. Maybe we can sit down and talk about it over coffee. Maybe we can have a proper discussion and I can try to make you guys see it from my point of view and I will attempt to understand your fears. But is that ever happening? Do you think it's possible? You guys have lived your whole lives in ignorance about the most important aspects of human interaction. But guess what? I'm living my life, not yours. And my outcome will be nothing like yours.