Warm, Fuzzy Feelings

A couple weeks ago I bought a new 2016-2017 planner and I told le petit ami excitedly that I wish it was 2016 so I could use it immediately.

My #2016 #planner! In a bout of excitement I had it decorated with these adorable felt stickers!! 😍🐸🐵 MooMoo is modeling it 🐮☺️ I'm not even that well-organized but hey, the illusion of productivity is irresistible. 😆

A photo posted by Anne Law (@hashichopsticks) on Dec 9, 2015 at 11:46pm PST

As it is, the last month of the year is already here, and honestly I'm quite alarmed at the lack of remaining pages in my current planner.

2015 has been relatively kind to me. I've been able to mark many things off my To Do lists, and it gave me the chance to truly enjoy the small things. This later half of the year brought family and friends closer, and for that I cannot be more grateful.

It's not like the year was completely smooth sailing, however. There were terrible bumps in the road, worries that gnawed on my mind like a slow-creeping disease until I stayed paralyzed in bed. But I recovered, and grew a little stronger each time. I didn't finish everything I said I wanted to; I didn't read a book every week, or do my best in classes, or blog as much as I had wanted. I didn't get to present my best as much as I wanted; too many times I could barely bother that I've worn the same shirt for a week.

Yet I managed to complete a lot of other things I said I would do, and some that I didn't. I explored new recipes and ingredients, with highly positive results. I got a part-time job, and enjoyed it immensely. I learned to properly balance my time and assignments (though I can work more on it), and procrastinated a lot less than I thought I would. I explored new places and projects and performances. I learned to live alone, then I learned to share my life.

Most importantly, I've been happy. And I think that being happy is all that matters. So I look forward to 2016, and to another year of happiness!

...And Before January Ends

I have a very good feeling about 2015. This semester I'm in a brand new environment with a brand new outlook.

One of the greatest change this year is that I've gotten a lot more organized. I've got files for each of my classes, I've got a sweet little planner that's filling up surprisingly quickly, and I've got a countdown timer to spur me on. Strangely enough, all these little things do indeed seem to make this year leap with positivity.

Last year, I was unmotivated and under achieving. My apathy stemmed to all parts of my life. This year... In this one month of 2015 I've stopped horsing around and actually got shit done. In fact, I've gotten so much shit down so efficiently I'm a little amazed at myself. Of course, it's only been a week of school, but I already feel so much more comfortable. My schedules are workable and efficient, and I'm so glad about that. I wish I had invested in planners sooner, but oh, what can one do but not look back in anger (brownie points for whoever caught that song reference.)

Most of the credit I give to my friends; they were the ones who bring me places and discuss ideas (over food), they accompany me to buy things I need (planner and files haha) and they generally just made my life so much easier. Honestly I'm so glad I found a group of such wonderful people so quickly. It's my good fortune to be friends with them.

I guess right now the only thing I wish I could improve is cooking. I've gotten so tired of cooking things for one person that I'm eating a whole lot more instant noodles than I should. (This has, fortunately, not shown on my bikini body... yet.) Of course, I can always make extra stuff and eat leftovers throughout the week, but le petit ami does not allow it- and I have to agree, somehow leftovers and me just don't mix very well. What I'm excited about is when it gets warmer, and I can bring cold pasta salads or sandwiches for lunch that won't be an absolute mess by the time it gets there.

Boo to cold foggy winter weather.

In terms of classes, I think I'll be able to handle them without too much of a problem. Perhaps in the middle of the semester I'll cry myself to sleep swamped under piles of studying and assignments, but I'm hopeful that if I plan my time right I can avoid that.

Truthfully, my motivation comes from the appeal of summer break. I finally get to go home! I can't wait to see my loved ones... and of course this must be paired with ten courses of good ol' Malaysian food! I'm counting down the literal days before I can see this on my way home again. Home!

The Worst Thing About Growing Up

You see, I realize now that when my mom told me to not grow up so early, she was right. As she is with many many things.

Growing up isn't just necessarily "I'll do what I want" or "I'll make the decisions" or "It's my life" (guilty as charged). It's what comes after that, when things don't look so good and you chew on the short end of the stick muttering regrets. Mistakes happen, yes. But growing up means taking the bull by the horns and blaming no one but yourself.

I could name so many things to blame: the system, the people, the paperwork. Yet I can't, not really, only reluctantly. The only thing I can do is sigh and hope for the best. Ultimately I was the one who made the decision. Was it a good decision? No. Was it a bad decision? Probably. Should I have thought about it a lot more? Yes, but I understand at that particular moment in time I was desperate. It still isn't an excuse though, so I'll have to pay for that.

Taking responsibility for yourself is a hard course of action that isn't popular with anyone, but it is one we must take. Suffice to say, this time around I have truly learnt "I'll make the decisions" and won't ever make decisions influenced by others.

Stay In My Room... Forever.

Back in Malaysia I wouldn't have understood why people choose to stay in their rooms all the time- things I read on Tumblr, I couldn't relate to. For me, I needed to be with people, with friends.

I now know why. I can relate; I am very much hoping to stay in my room forever- at least I feel that way right now. I don't know where to go; I don't know who to call; I don't know what to say, what to think, what to...

Perhaps I'm still trying to recover from walking San Francisco for the whole day... I'm unsure. But right now I am simply wishing to be alone; or at least with comfortable company...

Being on edge is taking a toll on me; I dread people, I dread interaction- this may be the introverted side of me coming out in full form in this highly extroverted culture; but I simply don't want to do anything.

I'm hoping next week changes some things. Perhaps I can meet some new people, join some clubs, see new stuff, expose myself a little more.

I'm not very hopeful right now, but I'm not completely frustrated.

I just wish you were here.

Clear Blue Skies

It is strange, that I feel completely at home.

Yes I miss people and places and food (oh yes, the food, don't get me started on the food) but here in San Jose, where "hot" is "warm" and "warm" is "cold" in Malaysian weather, it is surprisingly... comfortable.

Day 4: It hasn't rained yet. There are actually no clouds in the sky. Not a single one. Everyday, bright blue skies. At most there may be streams of thin clouds, but otherwise it is clear. In fact I doubt that it'll rain at all this week.

View from the 101.

One thing I love about this weather is that you can walk anywhere. Come high noon just put on a cap (and sunblock!) and walk... Nothing at all compared to Malaysia... The sun is up and warm but it's hard to sweat if you take it slow. In short; nothing at all like the heatwave everyday back home.

It's taking a while to sink in that this is "summer"... Now I understand why people don't mind walking ten blocks, or love the sun with such passion. Instead of seeking shade as I walk, I actually walk in the sun to catch some warmth in my hands... I'm pretty sure I'm doing it because I'm not quite yet used to the temperature, but it is really comfortable, the little bit of warmth that caresses skin.

Malaysian street view

The people are friendly, the neighborhood more so. The street I live on is beautiful, each house with personality and carefully maintained gardens, trees with various shades of color (forest green, light green, golden, purple!), the street free of litter but instead decorated with cute drawings in chalk.

Unrelated, but Penang. Heh!

This place... makes me happy.

You'd love it here.

In Limbo

I've been putting off going to America for much too long, and it frustrates me.

On one hand I'm so reluctant to leave my home, my friends, my life here in Malaysia... On the other I'm so excited, so desperate to want to explore and be amazed.

I've met some problems with my application, which set me back another half a year. And in this free time when I step out a little to experience with my internship, I realize I'm not young enough to hide behind a silly reason for not being useful or responsible anymore.

I'm 20 years old with nothing to my name, with plans long-discarded or abandoned.

The same friends who used to look to me enviously because I'm granted the gift to study abroad have already experienced their first years in another country, being scared and overcoming their fears. They've grown up, matured somewhat, and gained a fraction of independence.

At the same time I sit at home and scroll the depths of the interwebs, aching for such a day.

I know it won't be easy- then again nothing ever is, and an object at rest stays at rest- but do I ever want to be part of the buzzing, vigorous life. Creating magic and filling the world with saturated youth and blind optimism because I can, because I want to, because I believe so.

I want to go out and explore, fly away and find new things, open my eyes to controversy, think scandalous thoughts and write about things that inspire, disgust, interest, horrify me all with enthusiasm only the young can generate.

Except I don't want to end when I'm not-young, I want to end when I'm not-remembered (which implies that I will not die in traditional silly means like body decay) and when no one knows my name anymore.

Of course all this is nothing but wishful thinking, because we all think we can change the world.

Now I just need to get up and do something about it.

Internship!

So. I've started interning at a production house just for kicks, y'know, cuz I have the time. I might as well get the experience.

The place is seriously cool, with doof bags and a TV and a sofa in the large open room... A space I thought we would be able to chill out and relax, but LOL NOPE THIS IS WORK.

It's exhausting how even though technically the whole month has more or less been just sitting in the office by 11am with the laptop open I am actually tired! I've run out of time to do my own things, reaching home at around 8pm... on a good day. Obviously although I've been meaning to blog, I wasn't quite able to just sit down and do it.

Counting Stars! ♥︎

Production work is so demanding... Though I guess that's only because it's my first time doing such a thing that I'm a little lost... From referencing to scripting to shooting... It's a lot about focus and otherwise (for me) "I hope this is okay", haha! And this is only the first half of production! @A@;;;

Essentially being the saikang! HAHAHA!

Other than the workload though, it's pretty awesome! Because all this is actual stuff... We're making things... Legit things, not silly assignments that would be irrelevant a couple of months later.

I'd blog more but it's late and I just wanted to blog before CNY, so here it is! Hopefully after the CNY rush I'd be able to at least update some pictures... Though looking at my schedule... That's rather unlikely... DERP.

Growing Up

So, tomorrow night is prom night. I'll be going with le petit ami, in something I would never have worn and shoes I used to deem stupid.

I'm not sure if I'm growing up or just growing insensitive.

Long ago I made the decision to stop dressing like a high school kid. Unfortunately I still do sometimes, but I've been putting in effort to at least look decently dressed. (Then again that relies on your definition of freedom, hehe.) I've tried to "spruce up your look!" with accessories, which according to all the magazine and fashion tips online is destined to work.

Well I sorta agree with them on that.

I've been wondering when would be the proper time to ever wear heels to uni, or if I ever would. I mean in terms of casual wear, when I literally just feel like it. I've been wondering if I ever would.

Image is undeniably important. Such an unconscious thing and we do it all the time.

I'm not hoping to suddenly change my image overnight... but somehow I think it's getting there.

Growing up. It means losing everything.

Sem 5!

So another new semester just started. Again. I can't believe how fast time flies, it's incredible.

I'm introducing myself to American Literature, Cross-cultural Communication and Sociology 102 this semester. Within the first week alone I've had my mind expanded considerably. With the help of self-awareness.

Currently I'm loving this new semester! I get to understand issues from different perspectives and with a depth I didn't realize it could hold. I get to have long discussions with le petit ami about it, which is even better. One sort of doesn't realize how many things one certain issue can be linked to until some serious discussion is made. Also one doesn't realize how much exactly what you learn in classrooms are actually useful.

I'd love to write a huge long essay on feminism and sexism (mainly what we've been discussing these two weeks) but I'll keep the thought in mind until the day I can sit down and write more. As it is this post has stayed a draft for too long!

Politicians Should Be Changed Like Diapers

This is fast becoming the dirtiest election possibly the world has ever seen.

BN really has magic in their sleeves. Do they think that throwing powder in our eyes would actually fool us? Wait. The point is they're not even trying to fool us anymore.

There is no secrecy involved anymore. BN is blatantly bringing in "extra ballot boxes" and adding them to our legit votes after a convenient black out. Even after the public protests by forming a human wall to block all vehicles from entering counting halls they manage it.

Lembah Pantai was so close to losing. Only thanks to our brave Bangsarians do we have Nurul Izzah coming out victorious. Even though in the beginning Nurul Izzah was leading by thousands in the end she won with a slim victory of 1k+. A victory is still a victory, but it was escalated to the point that tear gas was actually used against the people. And there was nothing we can do.

To get a fair win we actually have to be beat up like dogs. Of course that's what BN views the people of Malaysia as. Dogs. And cash cows.

What had looked like a clear win for the People's Coalition is now being marred by dirty low tricks of the worst kind. Thinly veiled dictatorship has caused the people to be helpless and frustrated. BN is not at all interested in the rights of the public. It is already pretty obvious that BN isn't interested in the people at all unless they are of some use to them. Their whole attitude towards the public is disrespectful, not only during the campaigning and the counting of the votes, but even before. For 56 years. The disrespect continues, and it will not stop if BN wins this election. They will think they can do everything- and for once they are right, because we are helpless against the massive corruption of this country.

It is past midnight and BN has nearly crossed the 112-wins line to form government. AGAIN. For the next 5 years we will under BN's thumb and this time they will not forget when they nearly lost. And they will never let us forget that no matter how hard we try they will not let us win.

Ini kalilah, the people chanted.

Lain kalilah, Najib smiles.

Stories and Walls

This morning I managed to grab some time with le petit ami's aunt, who is a journalist, and very graciously allowed me to join her and her friends for lunch. Such a kind, wonderful lady! Now I feel incredibly inefficient since everything was planned last minute as she had to leave in the afternoon. :\

There is nothing more interesting than hearing stories of other people, especially people with a deep pool of experiences. Stories that lead to stories that lead to more stories. Life is just stories that overlap to create a multi-dimensional experience and then history comes in and makes it one-dimensional again. Sort of like how people tend to undervalue the beauty of simplicity and add more colors and glitters and sparkly things to things that don't need them, like vampires. That was such a bad comparison. I don't know what my mind is doing right now.

One day I will be that. To have a whole deposit of grand adventures and great stories to tell, to live my life the way I want to live it.

Here, have a silly picture of me telling myself that 

I dare to live my life the way I want to. 

Original picture at Roxy's gallery, please like and share if 

you think my vague attempt at being witty did not end up generic.

As it is, I can only dream of living the good life right now, and continue to struggle with the baggage I have on my end. I need to find a metaphorical sea to dump my metaphorical baggage into, and wish it away to the end of cyberspace as metaphorical bits and bytes.

It is funny though, how when people ask for opinions of decisions we are quick to give solutions, in which everything can be done ideally. Yet when we face our own walls we think it unclimbable, we think it impossible, we sit against it in our minds and cry because of the utter weakness we can only see.

I either need a good large dose of Calvin and Hobbes right now, or some ninja skills. Perhaps I need a bit of both.

Trees or Forests

I've been thinking so much about relationships I've hit a dead end because I've gone so deep into the forest I can't see the trees.

Sometimes I just want to rage quit everything. I know ultimately it is my life and I should live it the way I want to. That I want to love and be loved and enjoy my youth and count stars and stare into the sun, just for kicks. That I want to sip on warm cups of coffee and cuddle of soft couches and a book in hand and the smell of lasagne cooking in the oven.

But even to my childish self I know it's not possible. Then I start to ask myself why. Why is it that I am so bitter without having yet reached the age of 20? Why is it that I doubt myself before I even start? Why is it that I can only cry thinking about the future, and not plaster on a stupid grin on my face like people my age should?

Can't I have dreams too? Why must you poison them? I dream of a life not unlike the one you've dreamed before. And I feel sorrow for you. But don't poison my dreams. Not yet.

Maybe in ten years I will be as bitter as you will be. But I won't let that happen to me. Because I have you to learn from, and that's the important part.

Leave me to live my own life.