My Child Will Probably Die.

I've never wanted children. Economically speaking children are terrible investments, with little to no return. Raising kids is a luxury only the well off can afford (and not be miserable after).

As I reach the age where I live alone and take on responsibilities for myself, I realize that perhaps I was simply aware of my short-comings as a general human being. Things I take care of tend to die a lot. My pets and potted plants live an extremely short life with me.

Right now my venus flytrap is a blackened little stub sitting sadly in its cow-printed pot. I put it in the full spring sun, so it looks even sadder next to the vibrant blooming weeds flowers in the garden. All my research tells me that my plant isn't dead: it's hibernating. Yet it's now a warm 23˚C (74˚F for all you Americans) and spring has been in the air for more than a week.

It reminds me of the cactus I used to have back home. At first it would be green and vibrant, perhaps it would even have a flower off to the side. Then as I keep it in my room for a couple of weeks it starts going soft and taking on a dirty shade of brown, even as I water it religiously every week. (It's a cactus, I learned my lesson after drowning my first one.)

I don't have green thumbs, this much I know. I try my hands at indoor gardens (spring onions, anyone?) and they still die very quickly. I can literally kill off even the strongest of weeds. Is this a good thing? I'm not sure.

I wonder if I can blame this on my black thumb, or is a telltale sign that I probably shouldn't even think about raising a child because I will most likely kill it off somehow. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be raising anything at all. So I guess in the end I'll just be throwing it all to le petit ami. His green thumb makes up for my lack of skill, so I guess it works!

The Worst Thing About Growing Up

You see, I realize now that when my mom told me to not grow up so early, she was right. As she is with many many things.

Growing up isn't just necessarily "I'll do what I want" or "I'll make the decisions" or "It's my life" (guilty as charged). It's what comes after that, when things don't look so good and you chew on the short end of the stick muttering regrets. Mistakes happen, yes. But growing up means taking the bull by the horns and blaming no one but yourself.

I could name so many things to blame: the system, the people, the paperwork. Yet I can't, not really, only reluctantly. The only thing I can do is sigh and hope for the best. Ultimately I was the one who made the decision. Was it a good decision? No. Was it a bad decision? Probably. Should I have thought about it a lot more? Yes, but I understand at that particular moment in time I was desperate. It still isn't an excuse though, so I'll have to pay for that.

Taking responsibility for yourself is a hard course of action that isn't popular with anyone, but it is one we must take. Suffice to say, this time around I have truly learnt "I'll make the decisions" and won't ever make decisions influenced by others.

What Facebook Does

To be honest, I'm not exactly having the time of my life here. I'm struggling to make friends, to be a part of the community, to be noticed. Most of the time I'd rather just stay at home and watch Once Upon A Time (a post for next time, or Tumblr).

So naturally I scroll Facebook. And I see my friends- they're all so popular now, so pretty, so grown up. They've made friends and families and memories. They dress so well and look so good.

In my room, on this chair where the springs dig into my thigh, I feel so left out. I haven't felt pretty in so long... My skin is dry and not for the lack of lotion I slather on daily. My cheeks have been sunburnt without being noticed and I'm pretty sure I was never so hairy. I try to take selfies on days when I don't feel like a complete waste of atoms but I always delete them. I try to dress up but I'm never good enough. I try to make the best decisions but I never know if they are. I feel frustrated and unhappy and it's never a good thing to have.

Then I remind myself that I don't have to be miserable. Because I have friends, and family. They may not be with me now but they're there for me. I have the love of my life, the one person who keeps me going every day. The one person who keeps my spirit up with kind words and adorable pictures. And I realize I don't have to take unnaturally pretty selfies for the world- I just need to take selfies for that one person- to show him my smiles and stupid faces, because he likes those best.

Tomorrow morning, I'll dress up and feel pretty. And even if I don't, I'll enjoy myself.

Morph

I like to think that I am a strong, independent young girl with big dreams, because I've been conditioned to think I am. Maybe sometimes I'm not. Maybe sometimes I don't want to be.

It's quite surprising to everyone else how cynical my outlook on life is. Judging by what they know of me, I'm not surprised that they're surprised. But that's the thing: why let others know? Is it necessary for them to know every opinion? Sometimes people don't want to know, mostly people just don't care. And if they want to know, they ask. Then again usually it's the ones that ask that we can't be truthful to.

All my life I've been told to "be my own person" and "never let anyone tell you who to be". But what the fuck does that mean. What does it mean to someone who isn't sure of who they are- and honestly, how many of us is who we want to be rather than who other people want us to be? If you say you are, how are you so sure it's not society that's making you think you know who you want to be?

How about me?

What if who I want to be is exactly who I am now? That there are no more thoughts of what ifs and why nots.

What if my personality- this me, is really just a shapeless human- and I change for each person? To some I may be a friend to go to for advice, to others I may be the friend to go to for jokes, yet again to some I may be the quiet friend who doesn't say much.

I like being this unfixed person. No one is to say that I should do this or that because on what grounds can they make that judgement? I like that like Morph, I can take on many roles. I like to fill in the holes in people's lives. For many, I am that inconsequential, but fun to have around friend. I suppose I like being that way. Close enough to feel like I can make their lives a little happier, not close enough to care too much.

This is Morph, from Treasure Planet, if you don't know. I chose the saddest-looking picture from Google images because this is how I fucking feel right now.

I don't like it when I get too close to someone. Attachment, to me, is like a drug. And as much as I hate to admit it, when I get attached to someone... I get attached to someone. It's not healthy. It's not nice. I hate myself for it. That's why I sincerely dislike having people in my personal space because sooner or later they will leave and there will be a hole in my bubble which should not be there.

It's at times like these that I wonder what happens after I'm dead. I don't mean to myself- I know what I'll do, I'll just die, simple as that- but to the other people that used to know me. How would they know of my passing? Would they rejoice? Would they be sad? Would they care?

If I died I probably wouldn't care much about myself. Hah. Then again I wouldn't know.

All I want is just validation, I guess. Just something to know that I'm doing things right. Because all I want to do is just make other people satisfied... and to not treat me like a problem. So I'll gladly be what they want me to be, because that's just who I am.

Morph.

BRAIN FUZZ

You know that odd feeling when you brain kind of just floats around in your skull, all fuzzy and weird? Yeah that. I like to call it brain fuzz. Granted I've only just dubbed it, but yes I will refer to it as brain fuzz from now on.

Brain fuzz for at least like a day fuck.

Tried to take naps in between today but then people got in the way. But since I'm me, people > sleep so yeah, still brain fuzzed.

(Pretty sure this blog post will make no sense haha)

Have I mentioned how much Creative Writing has changed my life? Because. Because it has. If you still haven't gotten a proper idea, Creative Writing flipped my life upside down.

Actually I quite like the view from the ceiling.

I find myself walking down this road that I've never dared to walk before. Horror stories. Bad things happening. It's like I'm walking into a dark cave, or that crack in the wall in the middle of town which no one ever talks of except to warn me away from it but people still go in. Then come out, different.

It is weird. This imagery in my head. I want to write it out or draw it out or something, but brain fuzz and sleep and 8am morning call.

When I think back on the past month... No, six months... I am surprised at how much I grew up. I am also surprised at how much I don't want to grow up. No wait that's not right. How much my family don't see growing up as a good thing. Understandable. They haven't grown up.

I don't dare to say I've suddenly aged and become "adult". No, I think I've still got some ways to go. But I do agree that I am innocent and naive. Was, once. Now, less. Still am, probably.

I'm not saying that we must discard all innocence and naivety to grow up. But at least we need to learn that which is not innocent. That which is corrupt and decadent and vulgar, because only when we learn this can we make full judgement. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But writing this at 1am with brain fuzz, I believe this might just make it into my material for ENGL210.

Sometimes. I wonder about hypocrisy. I'm a huge hypocrite, I know. But now I see people differently. She used to be the perfect vision of lawful good. Now I see a hypocrite and scared woman. Suddenly life just... sucks. I've lost my wiling suspension of disbelief for the golden screen. Now I'm looking into her eyes and just thinking that she's been through too much. I suppose her blanket of innocence is the only thing keeping her from cracking. She's just a young child who was thrown into the lion pits. She survived, but only because she shut herself away from the lions. In mind. Just like him.

They both shut themselves up and sealed it with angry words and delirious accusations. Her in her innocence and him in his corruption.

When you think about it, it's sad.

I'd like to think more about it but my brain is fuzzed. I can't write shit for gold now. Verbal vomit indeed.

I wonder what more I'd see after the cage is unlocked. What world awaits me.

I wonder if I'll continue down the road.

Endings and Beginnings

2012 marks the start of a new walk of life. At least, my life. Since young I have pushed myself over and over with the thought of the start of this life stuck firmly in my mind.

In approximately less than a month, I will be stepping foot into University. (Actually, college. But feh, technicalities.) The thought is terrifying. My future rests on this delicate balance: how should I present myself in school? Perhaps I should let out my debate skills and lead the team purposefully. Perhaps I can lean back a little to enjoy the roses and only step out when I have to. Perhaps it's time for me to put on my mature face and pull in my kite.

I am so afraid of not making it.

There was a dark period in my young life that caused me to be forever cautious and paranoid of making, and being friends with other people. There is a rebellious part of me that is sick of the happy Gemini facade. There is an even bigger part of me that wishes the happy Gemini facade isn't a facade. Unfortunately that dark splotch of misery accumulated from my younger years just won't come out, regardless of the amount of bleach and chlorox.

First posts should not be so damn emo and whiney wtf.

Regardless, I am in the midst of letting go of the past and concentrate solely on the future. Many thanks to a small handful of people that have added so much spice into my life. I love you guys lots, and I won't ever forget any of you, I swear. There is a seperate part of my heart and brain that has 'Chyi+Sushi+Chopsticks' carved lovingly. (And underneath that, 'WC+Pika'. You guys are my L4D kakis who, whether you know it or not, had a hand in shaping me into the 宅女 I am today.)

Resolutions for 2012:
Enjoy life to the fullest.





Have a great year, everybody! :D