Trigonometry, My Nightmare Since 5ever.

It is my firm belief that trigonometry has ventured into the theoretical part of math, unlike traditional views of math- and I hate it. It's horrid. It baffles me. If you give me algebra, or stuff an equation with unknowns- yes that makes sense. It's understandable; x, y, π. Formulas. Cold, hard, logical mathematics. Give me graphs. Even differentiation and integration is easier to understand.

I'll be the first to say I'm intimidated by versatile mathematics.

Even though I manage to do the questions, I do not get any sort of happiness from them. I do, however, get some sort of morbid satisfaction from successfully solving a remarkably tedious question. The same sort of satisfaction comparable to getting a prick out of your hand, popping a particularly painful pimple, or throwing away food you don't like that has turned sour.

And when I don't solve the question, I feel frustrated, dumb, and incompetent. As though my self worth stems from how well I can solve math problems.

This is probably the one problem that comes from Asian parents and society's mindset. That if you don't know how solve complicated math you are considered subpar. That somehow you're just not as smart. If you don't get an A+ in math you're not a 'proper' Asian.

Don't even get me started on failing Calculus 1. Not 2, not 3. Just Calculus 1. I can foresee the shitstorm that's going to rise up anytime soon.

Granted, yes, Calculus 1 isn't hard. But I don't do math like I used to.

Sorry for being stupid.

It's Okay To Be Angry.

Sometime last week I found this on Taylor's Confession page... And judging by how often we hang out at SLC and how many other couples give foot massages (read: none) I have no doubt it was directed at le petit ami.

Friends kept telling me that my anger was unnecessary and that it shows how insecure I am in my relationship. That I need to trust him, and just take a chill pill.

Let me get things straight: I am not insecure that le petit ami will run off with some other girl, because thinking that is not only far-fetched, it is an insult to him. I am, however, angry that some girls think it is okay to think of other people's boyfriends this way.

First let me address something rather alarming at the response I get: why do people say I shouldn't get angry? In fact, what is there to not get angry about? I feel violated at this statement. I feel violated on behalf of  le petit ami as well. To make it easier to digest my analysis, this confession has the following:

1. Acknowledgement of a public relationship between two people
2. Subsequent disregard of the girlfriend
3. Replacement of self into the role of the girlfriend
4. Assumption that my boyfriend would heed his/her offer of sex without love and commitment

Is my anger clear now? On all levels this person has disrespected both of us and our relationship together. A relationship that, mind you, has been smooth sailing and high flying for close to a year.

In this case I again strongly enforce that it is not wrong to be angry for the right reasons. Someone disrespecting you/your partner/your relationship IS a right reason.

Yes, this person is just saying stuff on the Internet, where bullshit can be said with no consequences, yes s/he shouldn't be a threat to our relationship if we're strong enough, yes I should trust my boyfriend... but while I do all this why am I told be chill? Why can't I be angry to defend myself?

Which brings me to secondly: the dignity of such a person. How on earth do you disrespect someone else's relationship like that? How much disrespect do you have towards yourself to offer your body in exchange for such a service, with someone you don't know and don't love? You're like a cashless version of a prostitute: I don't think I missed the mark when I name you 'bitch'. There is a great deal of hate for the third party in relationships meant for two, and there is a reason why: they don't deserve any respect, because they don't have any, for themselves or for others.

Le petit ami and I discussed the possibility of the person maybe just admiring our relationship and how well I'm treated. But I'm sensitive to words. I know this person isn't coming from the point of admiration, but selfish want. The want to have someone treat him/her like that. Look, if you want a great boyfriend, firstly be the sort of person that matches up to a great person.

For context: a great boyfriend won't cheat. If you can get a boyfriend by being the third wheel (and eventually kicking out the previous girlfriend and becoming the second), what stops the boyfriend from doing the same to you? Dumping your sorry ass for another third wheel? And so obviously he's not a great boyfriend. In short, don't do this third wheel shit because karma will come back and fuck you up.

So will the previous girlfriend, she'd probably key your car and bust his tyres, just sayin'.

It all boils down to respect: respect others, and they'll respect you too.

(Ps. There has been two other confessions about how cute le petit ami is and I wholly agree with those because of the lack of malicious motives behind such confessions. I don't get angry for nothing.)

Spirals, Spirals, Never Ending Spirals

I'm starting to think that all my intense spirals of self-loathing must certainly be already common now. Every time I think I'm over this shit I fall back into the same spiral. Again.

Possibly I should explain my spirals. My spirals are always self-depreciating and hateful, though there may be a difference in reason why I fell (or was I pushed?) and the context. It doesn't matter what causes the spirals, all I know is there will be another spiral after this one.

Like a black hole that leads to another that leads to another black hole.

Constantly being told that I'm fat not by media- but by close friends and family members. Great, so now to add to my already shaky self-confidence I have to worry about being unflattering in my old clothes, new clothes, or even in a towel. I have to worry about characters I can or cannot cosplay. Because I'm fat. And that's the worst thing a girl can be. Fat.

I hate how I used to be slim and pretty. I had trouble finding clothes that fit me because they'll be too big. I never had to worry about my waistline because it was perfect. I never needed to watch what I eat because I didn't have to care. Now I eye those skinny bitches on campus with a mixture of jealousy and judgement, because of course it's not wrong to be fat, it's just society putting pressure on us.

Bullshit. Society is made up of the people with such values that has influential control over instruments of power. Like media.

I can be pro-diversity all I like, but the fact doesn't change that I want to be slimmer. I want to be able to put my hands on my waist and not be disgusted that I can feel belly fat. I want to be able to wear jeans without it being a war to pull the tough fabric over my blossoming thighs. I want to be able to wear a tank top and not worry about my arms being flabby and my tummy fat showing. I want to feel completely in love with my own body- and it's even worse that I've felt that love long before- when I was thinner.

Fuck. Fuck this shit.

Politicians Should Be Changed Like Diapers

This is fast becoming the dirtiest election possibly the world has ever seen.

BN really has magic in their sleeves. Do they think that throwing powder in our eyes would actually fool us? Wait. The point is they're not even trying to fool us anymore.

There is no secrecy involved anymore. BN is blatantly bringing in "extra ballot boxes" and adding them to our legit votes after a convenient black out. Even after the public protests by forming a human wall to block all vehicles from entering counting halls they manage it.

Lembah Pantai was so close to losing. Only thanks to our brave Bangsarians do we have Nurul Izzah coming out victorious. Even though in the beginning Nurul Izzah was leading by thousands in the end she won with a slim victory of 1k+. A victory is still a victory, but it was escalated to the point that tear gas was actually used against the people. And there was nothing we can do.

To get a fair win we actually have to be beat up like dogs. Of course that's what BN views the people of Malaysia as. Dogs. And cash cows.

What had looked like a clear win for the People's Coalition is now being marred by dirty low tricks of the worst kind. Thinly veiled dictatorship has caused the people to be helpless and frustrated. BN is not at all interested in the rights of the public. It is already pretty obvious that BN isn't interested in the people at all unless they are of some use to them. Their whole attitude towards the public is disrespectful, not only during the campaigning and the counting of the votes, but even before. For 56 years. The disrespect continues, and it will not stop if BN wins this election. They will think they can do everything- and for once they are right, because we are helpless against the massive corruption of this country.

It is past midnight and BN has nearly crossed the 112-wins line to form government. AGAIN. For the next 5 years we will under BN's thumb and this time they will not forget when they nearly lost. And they will never let us forget that no matter how hard we try they will not let us win.

Ini kalilah, the people chanted.

Lain kalilah, Najib smiles.