It's Okay To Be Angry.

Sometime last week I found this on Taylor's Confession page... And judging by how often we hang out at SLC and how many other couples give foot massages (read: none) I have no doubt it was directed at le petit ami.

Friends kept telling me that my anger was unnecessary and that it shows how insecure I am in my relationship. That I need to trust him, and just take a chill pill.

Let me get things straight: I am not insecure that le petit ami will run off with some other girl, because thinking that is not only far-fetched, it is an insult to him. I am, however, angry that some girls think it is okay to think of other people's boyfriends this way.

First let me address something rather alarming at the response I get: why do people say I shouldn't get angry? In fact, what is there to not get angry about? I feel violated at this statement. I feel violated on behalf of  le petit ami as well. To make it easier to digest my analysis, this confession has the following:

1. Acknowledgement of a public relationship between two people
2. Subsequent disregard of the girlfriend
3. Replacement of self into the role of the girlfriend
4. Assumption that my boyfriend would heed his/her offer of sex without love and commitment

Is my anger clear now? On all levels this person has disrespected both of us and our relationship together. A relationship that, mind you, has been smooth sailing and high flying for close to a year.

In this case I again strongly enforce that it is not wrong to be angry for the right reasons. Someone disrespecting you/your partner/your relationship IS a right reason.

Yes, this person is just saying stuff on the Internet, where bullshit can be said with no consequences, yes s/he shouldn't be a threat to our relationship if we're strong enough, yes I should trust my boyfriend... but while I do all this why am I told be chill? Why can't I be angry to defend myself?

Which brings me to secondly: the dignity of such a person. How on earth do you disrespect someone else's relationship like that? How much disrespect do you have towards yourself to offer your body in exchange for such a service, with someone you don't know and don't love? You're like a cashless version of a prostitute: I don't think I missed the mark when I name you 'bitch'. There is a great deal of hate for the third party in relationships meant for two, and there is a reason why: they don't deserve any respect, because they don't have any, for themselves or for others.

Le petit ami and I discussed the possibility of the person maybe just admiring our relationship and how well I'm treated. But I'm sensitive to words. I know this person isn't coming from the point of admiration, but selfish want. The want to have someone treat him/her like that. Look, if you want a great boyfriend, firstly be the sort of person that matches up to a great person.

For context: a great boyfriend won't cheat. If you can get a boyfriend by being the third wheel (and eventually kicking out the previous girlfriend and becoming the second), what stops the boyfriend from doing the same to you? Dumping your sorry ass for another third wheel? And so obviously he's not a great boyfriend. In short, don't do this third wheel shit because karma will come back and fuck you up.

So will the previous girlfriend, she'd probably key your car and bust his tyres, just sayin'.

It all boils down to respect: respect others, and they'll respect you too.

(Ps. There has been two other confessions about how cute le petit ami is and I wholly agree with those because of the lack of malicious motives behind such confessions. I don't get angry for nothing.)

Spirals, Spirals, Never Ending Spirals

I'm starting to think that all my intense spirals of self-loathing must certainly be already common now. Every time I think I'm over this shit I fall back into the same spiral. Again.

Possibly I should explain my spirals. My spirals are always self-depreciating and hateful, though there may be a difference in reason why I fell (or was I pushed?) and the context. It doesn't matter what causes the spirals, all I know is there will be another spiral after this one.

Like a black hole that leads to another that leads to another black hole.

Constantly being told that I'm fat not by media- but by close friends and family members. Great, so now to add to my already shaky self-confidence I have to worry about being unflattering in my old clothes, new clothes, or even in a towel. I have to worry about characters I can or cannot cosplay. Because I'm fat. And that's the worst thing a girl can be. Fat.

I hate how I used to be slim and pretty. I had trouble finding clothes that fit me because they'll be too big. I never had to worry about my waistline because it was perfect. I never needed to watch what I eat because I didn't have to care. Now I eye those skinny bitches on campus with a mixture of jealousy and judgement, because of course it's not wrong to be fat, it's just society putting pressure on us.

Bullshit. Society is made up of the people with such values that has influential control over instruments of power. Like media.

I can be pro-diversity all I like, but the fact doesn't change that I want to be slimmer. I want to be able to put my hands on my waist and not be disgusted that I can feel belly fat. I want to be able to wear jeans without it being a war to pull the tough fabric over my blossoming thighs. I want to be able to wear a tank top and not worry about my arms being flabby and my tummy fat showing. I want to feel completely in love with my own body- and it's even worse that I've felt that love long before- when I was thinner.

Fuck. Fuck this shit.

Service Providers Provide No Service

One thing I always gripe about when I go out to eat is the compulsory service charge and government tax, because it always makes the total price ridiculously more expensive. (That's usually a 16% extra on whatever you ordered, except in some places it's an insane 20%.)

Yesterday was a perfect time to show why I gripe about the service charge. I never like giving the government my money already so the government tax is forever ignored. But service charge is another thing all together.

Many a times I wish we could do what they do in America, and leave tips. If that happens in Malaysia I can save myself a LOT on tips because some people really don't deserve my money at all. Service providers don't provide service. I don't provide their tips.

Recently my sister bought online movie tickets at TGV in Sunway, and when we went to collect it, they couldn't find her tickets. There was a lot of panic going about since the movie was about to start, so the lady at the counter went to check with her manager. It turned out that the booking was all correct... for the TGV in Ipoh. We were quite dumbfounded. Right after telling us this, the lady asked us to leave the line. She offered no more assistance in possibly getting us a seat at the Sunway TGV, or even a smile. Just quite simply a GTFO my lawn situation. In her defence I guess she wasn't really obligated to help us out, but still. It put a huge twist in our day.

Well obviously since the movie was out of the question for now we decided to go for food. It's been ages since we had Burger King (and honestly I never knew there was a BK in Sunway) so we went there.

(Picture stolen from the internet.)

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THOUGH.

Like what normal people would do, we lined up at the counter with less people. Because, you know. Less people = faster service. Logical right?

There were two people who were supposed to work at the counter and three to four other people in the kitchen. The outlet didn't seem like it was short on staff or anything. The African dude in front of me had placed his order and moved to the side to wait for it. I was basically the next person to place my order.

For some reason the cashiers moved to the back to prepare the African dude's food. Without taking my order. Or the order of the people in the other line. Basically on the screen where the workers (and us) could see placed orders, there was only ONE order.

If you guys have been to any fast food outlet (like McD or something) then you should know that the orders should be taken continuously, which would show up on the screen, and the workers in the kitchen can prepare it then send it to the counter. That's how it's supposed to work.

What happened was that there was only ONE order and like ten people lining up with no one to take their orders. The worker who was supposed to prepare the burgers had nothing to do so she was just chilling there, and the guy who made the french fries was stoning away at the oil stove, while the rest of the workers who looked like they had nothing to do were just standing at the back talking to each other. No one was at the counter to take orders, and the the fat lady who prepared the African dude's food was so bad at it she spilled the fries over the tray and had to push the fries all back into the little box. She took like two minutes doing this. Two minutes. 120 seconds. To push spilled fries back into their boxes.

Honestly speaking everyone in there was so inefficient even flipping burgers is much too hard for them. Fast food outlet? Hah, I could get faster food if an ant carried it to me.

Finally this Chinese lady came out from the back room and came (with relatively quick speed) to the counter. The other line, that is. At this point I was getting extremely frustrated already, because I was hungry and I am not a patient person. Then halfway through the order of the person at the other line she suddenly turned to me and said,

"Counter closed." and closed the register.

Just like that. She didn't even look at me. Didn't apologize for the horrid service. After I waited around 10 minutes for nothing she just closed the counter in front of my face.

I was ready to throw a fit right then and there but then decided that yelling at such people would not only be uncouth of me, but also lead to nowhere, so I grit my teeth and rage quit the place.

Like hell I'm lining up at the other counter again. Bitch please.

So we went over to have Sushi King near the ice skating rink. The service wasn't all that good either but after what happened in Burger King it was at least MUCH better.

It's really disheartening how Malaysians tolerate the ridiculous service everywhere. In restaurants, doing official paperwork, in government offices, basically everywhere... Malaysians never know what their own rights are. They are terribly ignorant towards their rights, including how they live their lives. Considering how aggressive most of them are on the roads, the rest of them are passive in everything. Like a dog that is on a leash and needs to be lead around. Ignorance is the biggest downfall of Malaysian society, not bigotry. Bigotry is downfall of Malaysian politics, and then again possibly politics worldwide, though I dare not make such a claim.

As a service provider you are supposed to provide service to the best of your ability. This means even though you had the shittiest day ever you don't show your bad mood to the customers, because no one appreciates your shittiness. ESPECIALLY if you're working as a service provider. We don't owe you anything. We don't want to deal with your moods. We are not even obligated to deal with your moods.

Service providers, however, ARE OBLIGATED TO. You provide service, you provide quality service. Smile, say thank you, and apologize when in doubt. Sure it's a shitty ass job but it's your job so suck it up and do it.

Also never forget the most important RULE #1:

The customer is always right.

And if you think the customer is wrong, there is RULE #2:

Refer back to rule #1.

because if you don't, some irate customer is going to be sick of all the bad service and blog about it. And who knows maybe that irate customer won't ever be going back to Sunway Burger King anymore.

The Puddle Phobia

I've gotten a case of the Puddle Phobia, in which I am now deathly afraid to drive past/next to/into a puddle of water at any speed above 20km/h.

Malaysian roads are terrible. Flyovers are not supposed to flood after the RAIN HAS STOPPED. Even so there shouldn't be a puddle HALF A TYRE DEEP. So deep that when you go past it the water actually goes over the roof of the car on the other lane.

In other words, MY CAR.

I literally felt my life flash before my eyes in that instant I got blinded. What the absolute fuck. The water- muddy water, on a damn tar road- covered the whole windscreen, all the way to the driver's side. It basically enveloped my whole car. Mind you, I was on the right lane. On a curved flyover. Which is maybe two stories high. Dear lord I could have died.

I am eternally grateful le petit ami was there to work things out for me- talking to the other party, helping me settle the issue, driving me home... Honestly I think I would be absolutely useless if I had to face it alone so late in the night. (Then again I probably would have sped away...) Thank whatever deity that I have someone who cares so much for me. <3 How many people would actually truly walk through the bad patches with you and be right there, supportive and reliable. (Reliable, what a word to be used!) I am lucky. Considerably so. Today just helped me realize that.

Tired of being such a hazard to other people and myself... What a night. What a day. I can't decide whether it's my fault or whether life just likes to bite me in the rear on days like these.

At least I know I'll never really fall too hard without someone catching me.

Fucking Tired Doesn't Even Qualify

So I know I've been moaning all around the place about how tired I am. But right now my brain isn't even at the brain fuzzed level.

I'm so completely out of energy I feel like I'm using my brain cells itself as my energy source. Each hour that drags on by kills a bit more of my brain.

It's like I can't escape this vicious cycle. I'm always busy, I've always got things to do. I've got academic and social obligations. I've got people I have to smile at. I've got friends I have to talk to. I've got things I have to finish.

I hate that I have to deal with these obligations. I say obligations, because I can actually choose to say no, as many people have actually advised me to. But they're my obligations. It's not like I can not expect the consequences to come back at me later.

Besides, I guess it's a decision I don't want to regret later in the future.

Fuck that. I want to sleep. I need the rest.

I'm being selfish again. Oh god I hate this.