Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Warm, Fuzzy Feelings

A couple weeks ago I bought a new 2016-2017 planner and I told le petit ami excitedly that I wish it was 2016 so I could use it immediately.


As it is, the last month of the year is already here, and honestly I'm quite alarmed at the lack of remaining pages in my current planner.

2015 has been relatively kind to me. I've been able to mark many things off my To Do lists, and it gave me the chance to truly enjoy the small things. This later half of the year brought family and friends closer, and for that I cannot be more grateful.

It's not like the year was completely smooth sailing, however. There were terrible bumps in the road, worries that gnawed on my mind like a slow-creeping disease until I stayed paralyzed in bed. But I recovered, and grew a little stronger each time. I didn't finish everything I said I wanted to; I didn't read a book every week, or do my best in classes, or blog as much as I had wanted. I didn't get to present my best as much as I wanted; too many times I could barely bother that I've worn the same shirt for a week.

Yet I managed to complete a lot of other things I said I would do, and some that I didn't. I explored new recipes and ingredients, with highly positive results. I got a part-time job, and enjoyed it immensely. I learned to properly balance my time and assignments (though I can work more on it), and procrastinated a lot less than I thought I would. I explored new places and projects and performances. I learned to live alone, then I learned to share my life.

Most importantly, I've been happy. And I think that being happy is all that matters. So I look forward to 2016, and to another year of happiness!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

...And Before January Ends

I have a very good feeling about 2015. This semester I'm in a brand new environment with a brand new outlook.

One of the greatest change this year is that I've gotten a lot more organized. I've got files for each of my classes, I've got a sweet little planner that's filling up surprisingly quickly, and I've got a countdown timer to spur me on. Strangely enough, all these little things do indeed seem to make this year leap with positivity.

Last year, I was unmotivated and under achieving. My apathy stemmed to all parts of my life. This year... In this one month of 2015 I've stopped horsing around and actually got shit done. In fact, I've gotten so much shit down so efficiently I'm a little amazed at myself. Of course, it's only been a week of school, but I already feel so much more comfortable. My schedules are workable and efficient, and I'm so glad about that. I wish I had invested in planners sooner, but oh, what can one do but not look back in anger (brownie points for whoever caught that song reference.)

Most of the credit I give to my friends; they were the ones who bring me places and discuss ideas (over food), they accompany me to buy things I need (planner and files haha) and they generally just made my life so much easier. Honestly I'm so glad I found a group of such wonderful people so quickly. It's my good fortune to be friends with them.

I guess right now the only thing I wish I could improve is cooking. I've gotten so tired of cooking things for one person that I'm eating a whole lot more instant noodles than I should. (This has, fortunately, not shown on my bikini body... yet.) Of course, I can always make extra stuff and eat leftovers throughout the week, but le petit ami does not allow it- and I have to agree, somehow leftovers and me just don't mix very well. What I'm excited about is when it gets warmer, and I can bring cold pasta salads or sandwiches for lunch that won't be an absolute mess by the time it gets there.

Boo to cold foggy winter weather.

In terms of classes, I think I'll be able to handle them without too much of a problem. Perhaps in the middle of the semester I'll cry myself to sleep swamped under piles of studying and assignments, but I'm hopeful that if I plan my time right I can avoid that.

Truthfully, my motivation comes from the appeal of summer break. I finally get to go home! I can't wait to see my loved ones... and of course this must be paired with ten courses of good ol' Malaysian food! I'm counting down the literal days before I can see this on my way home again. Home!


Monday, September 1, 2014

Labor Day Backyard BBQ

It's Labor Day! In America this translates to a mellow family gathering with ribs, and I was invited to join. I have the best landlady ever, no contest.


Best ribs ever. This is how barbeque sauce is supposed to taste like. This is how pork ribs are supposed to taste like. Amazing.


The family dog, Ramper. He's adorable.

Dinner. Ribs and wonderfully tasty salad. After years of only having Thousand Island sauce I only just realized how wonderful salad can taste. My landlady makes the best salads!! It even has cheeeeese!

I FOUND A MAGGI CUP.

Home made Oreo-cheesecake.

I really enjoyed my time with this white American family with food and drink talking about musicals and history and stories. It warmed my heart to see such a diverse family being together and genuinely enjoying. The joking, the smiles, the happy comments. It made me almost not want to leave.

It's a very good positive image to be exposed to. To learn that yes this family is possible. To accept that and care for people in a way that doesn't make either party want to strangle each other. No dirty looks or snide remarks.

To just hold hands and love.

I want a family like that. And I'll work towards that as hard as I can.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

What Facebook Does

To be honest, I'm not exactly having the time of my life here. I'm struggling to make friends, to be a part of the community, to be noticed. Most of the time I'd rather just stay at home and watch Once Upon A Time (a post for next time, or Tumblr).

So naturally I scroll Facebook. And I see my friends- they're all so popular now, so pretty, so grown up. They've made friends and families and memories. They dress so well and look so good.

In my room, on this chair where the springs dig into my thigh, I feel so left out. I haven't felt pretty in so long... My skin is dry and not for the lack of lotion I slather on daily. My cheeks have been sunburnt without being noticed and I'm pretty sure I was never so hairy. I try to take selfies on days when I don't feel like a complete waste of atoms but I always delete them. I try to dress up but I'm never good enough. I try to make the best decisions but I never know if they are. I feel frustrated and unhappy and it's never a good thing to have.

Then I remind myself that I don't have to be miserable. Because I have friends, and family. They may not be with me now but they're there for me. I have the love of my life, the one person who keeps me going every day. The one person who keeps my spirit up with kind words and adorable pictures. And I realize I don't have to take unnaturally pretty selfies for the world- I just need to take selfies for that one person- to show him my smiles and stupid faces, because he likes those best.

Tomorrow morning, I'll dress up and feel pretty. And even if I don't, I'll enjoy myself.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Stay In My Room... Forever.

Back in Malaysia I wouldn't have understood why people choose to stay in their rooms all the time- things I read on Tumblr, I couldn't relate to. For me, I needed to be with people, with friends.

I now know why. I can relate; I am very much hoping to stay in my room forever- at least I feel that way right now. I don't know where to go; I don't know who to call; I don't know what to say, what to think, what to...

Perhaps I'm still trying to recover from walking San Francisco for the whole day... I'm unsure. But right now I am simply wishing to be alone; or at least with comfortable company...

Being on edge is taking a toll on me; I dread people, I dread interaction- this may be the introverted side of me coming out in full form in this highly extroverted culture; but I simply don't want to do anything.

I'm hoping next week changes some things. Perhaps I can meet some new people, join some clubs, see new stuff, expose myself a little more.

I'm not very hopeful right now, but I'm not completely frustrated.

I just wish you were here.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Morning Sun

I am unsure whether or not this is due to jet lag, but regardless it is very strange that I wake up at 7 everyday now. Sleep at 9 (I managed to stay up to 9 without a nap yesterday) and wake up at 7 calls for a 10-hour-sleep... At least I'm sure people will tell me it's a healthy change and what not.

Mornings here are so very beautiful- actually, mornings back home are too. That golden hour at 10 when the sun is warm and shines with a golden tint... I sort of miss mornings back home. Then again if I were home I wouldn't see much of it.

My room with a view.

I used to (try) to sleep before midnight (and failing, usually) and wake up to my 9 o'clock alarm... then snooze it to wake up at 10. Haha! It sure is a great change for me to have sleeping patterns like this... I don't think I've ever slept so early, except possibly primary school.

I'm not complaining! We all know the benefits of sleeping early, so hello good skin and healthy bowel movements! Also, I get to use the bathroom while everyone else is still sleeping! I just hope I can keep this up even when I have classes.

Glad to report that I have been super responsible for myself this week... Tidying up, making my bed, cooking and cleaning, vacuuming... I think I can handle this staying by myself thing... Yeah. I'll make it through! :)

Pepperoni pretzels, mmmhph, so so good!

How does the same thing taste so much better here??

DARK CHOCOLATE CHEERIOS NOT EVEN KIDDING

Home made mushroom omelette tortillas! + bacon bits! :D

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Mind Palaces and Appreciating Things

February has come and is nearly gone, and yet I have barely written anything worth mentioning at all.

It has recently come to my attention, however, that I have gradually stopped reaffirming my thankful and appreciative habits, so here's kicking myself into the zone to love life and live life.


  • my family is 300% amazing
  • this includes my extended family
  • of which my grandmother peaks at a 765% amazing rate
  • le petit ami ♥︎
  • all the pretty cute things I own
  • all the useless but adorable impulse buys
  • the ability to even afford such things
  • friends who buy me things
  • friends who buy me food
  • friends
  • the House of Vorosmarthy
  • the TAS famiry
  • 异类
  • the amazing childhood friends that never lost touch
  • the amazing not-quite-childhood friends that sorta lost touch but still stalk constantly
  • learning about love
  • learning the meaning of love
  • learning how to love
  • learning how to in general be a better person
  • I have the privilege to study and learn
  • even more so the opportunity to do it at my own pace
  • to find my own interests and develop them
  • the ability to write and communicate through words
  • which I do so on a laptop
  • a very good laptop
  • my favorite one
  • unlimited internet access
  • torrents
  • movies
  • snacks
  • good food
  • more food
  • best food
  • all kinds of food
  • desserts
  • yum

The list will go on forever, because there is always something to smile over. Things that remind me of good times, of good people, of good effort.

I might write about them, but they're short (but of course that does not necessarily mean it's bad) and the train of thought loses itself quickly in my mind palace.

I'll have to organize my mind palace...

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Sparks

I love how you're my motivation

and when you smile I hit the ground

and when you kiss me gently I melt

and I end up thinking of all the things I never thought I would.

.

I love how I try my best

and I won't even get tired

because at the end I know

it's worth it; you're worth it.

.

I love how we hold hands

hold pinkies hold hearts

and the silence is nothing

but warm and comfortable

.

I didn't fight so hard

fight my self my mind my life

if I didn't hope for this

and it's so much better.

.

I think I want to keep you.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Sweat and Heat and Determination

It's GE13; the day everyone has been waiting for. Or at least, Malaysians. Weeks of hard work and incredible passion. Tonight we know the results.

In the past months since the dissolution of our government and the beginnings of the campaign we have been bombarded with flags, banners and advertisements. Even the most ignorant of people cannot possibly miss it. And it is also at this time that we see the true colors of each party - in their way of campaigning we see what they would be doing to our country.

I strongly disagree with the dirty tactics BN is using. I say dirty with no bias because they are simply just dirty.

Keep in mind that UMNO right now holds no true power under the name of the law since they are not the ruling party. Najib is no longer our Prime Minister. I could possibly write more if I took Political Science.

What I can see, however, is how BN spends too much of taxpayer's money on banners and flags to advertise themselves. Not only that but all they are is full of empty promises. "KITA JANJI", they say. We don't want your JANJIs, where is the result? BN has been in the seat of power for 56 years, fattening their personal pockets and gone delirious with power. Your power wasn't God's Allah's gift to you. Malaysians have always been afraid and oppressed by the government. We don't dare to stand up for ourselves, instead relying on the government who spoon-feeds us sugar and lies while they keep us locked up in a baby's cot.

Najib understands the impacts of the Internet. His face was across the home page of Youtube. In Google if you search for "Malaysia GE 13 campaigns" only pictures of the blue scales come up. There is not a peep from the People's Coalition. Not surprising considering how the "government" is forcing the media up against the wall. Malaysia never was a country of freedom of the press in the first place. But the one thing he did wrong was to underestimate the younger generation. He underestimated how fast social media can spread and how most of us really aren't that ignorant anymore.

I'm more angry at how these scumbags hoodwinked the rakyat with their lies and left the rakyat unable to do anything but complain. They use the country's money like it's their own, wasting it on god-awful binoculars or submarines; giving cows luxury condominiums to live in; Rosmah's ridiculously gaudy ring as well as her myriad of expensive luxury items; and the list doesn't stop there. To pull the topic back to GE13, where did UMNO get the funding for their excessive advertising? The flag wars all over the country irritate me. It's a blatant misuse of funds, a waste of resources and it's actually a hazard on the road as the flags have a habit of falling out of place onto the roads after storms. Which isn't all that uncommon in Malaysia by the way!!

This is "probably" too much.

This is too much.

They even go as far as to "threaten" the people with unrest and promises of riots if they lose. Another 5 years of such defeatist attitudes? Please.



News of UMNO supporters causing problems and even going as far as to start a brawl in Ipoh with the Pakatan Rakyat supporters was shocking enough. UMNO is now employing gangsters to do their dirty work for them as well! Well I guess we now know where the Mat Rempits are when they're not busy endangering the lives of other people.



Yet this morning as I stood in line with my sister to vote, I was empowered to see so many people show up. At such an early hour people were lining up patiently, waiting to cast their votes and create history. It was an empowering moment, to know that I was involved with the movement.

My happiness was short-lived however. The inedible ink that was supposedly used to make sure of no repeat voters washed off with a dab of dishwash liquid.
This is also reportedly because the ingredients were changed to comply as halal. In that case what was the point of the ink? Again the ridiculous billions of Ringgit put into purchasing the ink for its close to uselessness is worthy of a rant itself.

And then in the afternoon the shitstorm hit the proverbial ceiling fan. Floods of reports of Bangladeshis being chased out of voting halls into the waitings arms of the police (who ultimately let them go again) and videos of them being abused exploded throughout social media. Do Malaysians not see that they are not the ones in the wrong? They don't know any better. Even then they are still human. If we stoop so low as to abuse them, whether verbally or physically, it doesn't make us look any better.

That's not where the dirty tricks end though. In the voting itself there seems to have been some serious foul play.
How does that even happen? Does that mean all those people who woke up and lined up so early had spoiled votes? Are you kidding me? They're not even apologetic at screwing up so badly over something so simple (stamp and tear; stamp and tear) yet has exponential results on the country's future. Such is the dirty world of politics! But I'm pretty sure it only happens in Malaysia, no? The Land of the Corrupt.

There is possibly more, but I'm getting highly upset over GE13 and I don't want to wrongly accuse any party of this... We're 20 minutes away from knowing the results of our votes. Tension is thick and emotions are running high.

1Malaysia!!!!