The Worst Thing About Growing Up

You see, I realize now that when my mom told me to not grow up so early, she was right. As she is with many many things.

Growing up isn't just necessarily "I'll do what I want" or "I'll make the decisions" or "It's my life" (guilty as charged). It's what comes after that, when things don't look so good and you chew on the short end of the stick muttering regrets. Mistakes happen, yes. But growing up means taking the bull by the horns and blaming no one but yourself.

I could name so many things to blame: the system, the people, the paperwork. Yet I can't, not really, only reluctantly. The only thing I can do is sigh and hope for the best. Ultimately I was the one who made the decision. Was it a good decision? No. Was it a bad decision? Probably. Should I have thought about it a lot more? Yes, but I understand at that particular moment in time I was desperate. It still isn't an excuse though, so I'll have to pay for that.

Taking responsibility for yourself is a hard course of action that isn't popular with anyone, but it is one we must take. Suffice to say, this time around I have truly learnt "I'll make the decisions" and won't ever make decisions influenced by others.

Spirals, Spirals, Never Ending Spirals

I'm starting to think that all my intense spirals of self-loathing must certainly be already common now. Every time I think I'm over this shit I fall back into the same spiral. Again.

Possibly I should explain my spirals. My spirals are always self-depreciating and hateful, though there may be a difference in reason why I fell (or was I pushed?) and the context. It doesn't matter what causes the spirals, all I know is there will be another spiral after this one.

Like a black hole that leads to another that leads to another black hole.

Constantly being told that I'm fat not by media- but by close friends and family members. Great, so now to add to my already shaky self-confidence I have to worry about being unflattering in my old clothes, new clothes, or even in a towel. I have to worry about characters I can or cannot cosplay. Because I'm fat. And that's the worst thing a girl can be. Fat.

I hate how I used to be slim and pretty. I had trouble finding clothes that fit me because they'll be too big. I never had to worry about my waistline because it was perfect. I never needed to watch what I eat because I didn't have to care. Now I eye those skinny bitches on campus with a mixture of jealousy and judgement, because of course it's not wrong to be fat, it's just society putting pressure on us.

Bullshit. Society is made up of the people with such values that has influential control over instruments of power. Like media.

I can be pro-diversity all I like, but the fact doesn't change that I want to be slimmer. I want to be able to put my hands on my waist and not be disgusted that I can feel belly fat. I want to be able to wear jeans without it being a war to pull the tough fabric over my blossoming thighs. I want to be able to wear a tank top and not worry about my arms being flabby and my tummy fat showing. I want to feel completely in love with my own body- and it's even worse that I've felt that love long before- when I was thinner.

Fuck. Fuck this shit.

Politicians Should Be Changed Like Diapers

This is fast becoming the dirtiest election possibly the world has ever seen.

BN really has magic in their sleeves. Do they think that throwing powder in our eyes would actually fool us? Wait. The point is they're not even trying to fool us anymore.

There is no secrecy involved anymore. BN is blatantly bringing in "extra ballot boxes" and adding them to our legit votes after a convenient black out. Even after the public protests by forming a human wall to block all vehicles from entering counting halls they manage it.

Lembah Pantai was so close to losing. Only thanks to our brave Bangsarians do we have Nurul Izzah coming out victorious. Even though in the beginning Nurul Izzah was leading by thousands in the end she won with a slim victory of 1k+. A victory is still a victory, but it was escalated to the point that tear gas was actually used against the people. And there was nothing we can do.

To get a fair win we actually have to be beat up like dogs. Of course that's what BN views the people of Malaysia as. Dogs. And cash cows.

What had looked like a clear win for the People's Coalition is now being marred by dirty low tricks of the worst kind. Thinly veiled dictatorship has caused the people to be helpless and frustrated. BN is not at all interested in the rights of the public. It is already pretty obvious that BN isn't interested in the people at all unless they are of some use to them. Their whole attitude towards the public is disrespectful, not only during the campaigning and the counting of the votes, but even before. For 56 years. The disrespect continues, and it will not stop if BN wins this election. They will think they can do everything- and for once they are right, because we are helpless against the massive corruption of this country.

It is past midnight and BN has nearly crossed the 112-wins line to form government. AGAIN. For the next 5 years we will under BN's thumb and this time they will not forget when they nearly lost. And they will never let us forget that no matter how hard we try they will not let us win.

Ini kalilah, the people chanted.

Lain kalilah, Najib smiles.

Hooligans in the Park

It is sad how people these days can't seem to sit back and enjoy life as it comes by. Maybe they think that's for pussies, or that there's no point in being "lazy" and doing nothing. Why must everything be in a rush? Why must you do everything with a frown on your face? Why must everything be so serious?

When was the last time you called someone special and spent the whole day together doing absolutely nothing in particular?

Le petit ami and I were hanging about Kiara Hill one afternoon, and just talking. It was great being able to talk endlessly about everything and anything. Just feeling content and happy. SEE IT IS GREAT TO HAVE A BEST FRIEND BOYFRIEND JUST SAYING OKAY.

We sat on the pavement after we finished a round mostly cuz I was tired. Conversation didn't stop though... Until some guy came up to us and told us unkindly to shut up because we were talking too loud and bothering people and that they were laughing at us since we were at a public place. Apparently you can't talk in Kiara Hill, because it's improper. Then he left with the air of someone who had 'set things right'. Like those ridiculously religious people who tells people that gays are unnatural and should change to being heterosexual instead. Because it is 'proper'.

I felt really bummed after that; what was a perfectly awesome afternoon jarred me uncomfortably from my rooted sense of contentment and bliss. How tragic.

Imagine if I was with my mother and talking animatedly. Would we have been interrupted? What if a pair of male best friends just hung out and talked about football and shoved each other around like proper bros do; would they have been asked to be quiet for being too noisy? Why is it always the couples that get the short end of the stick- that people tend to frown upon or disagree or turn away in contempt. We're still perfectly capable social beings y'know. Just because we're stupidly in love doesn't mean we're completely in another world. Neither does it mean that we're going to take this negative shit from you.

Love used to be so much more hopeful. Now it's just something that's dragged through mud and thrown across the street.

I have no idea whether that man genuinely thought it was his duty to tell us to shut up, or that he was in a bad mood, or that he felt it was inappropriate for us to act like we were- or that we really were being inappropriate- but I think I could have lived with not knowing the fact that we bothered other people.

Perhaps I'm just thinking too much about this; perhaps it was a lesson to be learned... But it's itching at the back of my mind. And questions are floating up again.

Then again I usually take advice from the fates.

Either way I suppose this would be the appropriate place to remind myself

嗯

很久没有写blog了

其实是应该做功课的。。。但是心烦

心很烦

烦到像B级影片的夸张。

（（悲

最近又睡不好了，很想全部怪你的，但又不是你的错。

啊，其实一切都是你的错。



很想讨厌你。明明就是一个超级白痴，可是却如此的可爱。。。天啊，我中毒了！

慢慢的发觉自己笑不出了，吃不下了，病起来了。

看来这个毒也中到蛮深的。。。我知道。

人生中第一次为另外一个人抓狂到酱，你什么感觉啊？有没有自满？有没有厌恶感？

若你没有厌恶感。。。对不起，我有。我痛恨现在的我，这个没有笑容、需要人家依靠的我。


为什么你说不出我想听的话？为什么我只能想到最坏的结局？

为什么我无法再好好和你面对面讲话了？


对不起
我毁了这个友情
我对不起你
也对不起自己

The Pains Of Going Hungry...

I need better control over myself especially when it comes to buying things. Every time I have money in my wallet I use them all. Especially if there comes up something that catches my eye.

Not particularly that I want it, or even need it, just... catches my eye.

Shit.

Anyway, it's only Tuesday and I have $15 left in my wallet. That's just sad, isn't it? And since it isn't enough for 2 full meals, I decided to do the dumb thing and wait 'till dinner to eat, because I'll be having dodgeball later. And I would've skipped if I hadn't been confirmed of skipping on Thursday 'cuz of my driving lessons, which wouldn't have been postponed if Lab didn't start this week

I'm trying to rationalize my actions while raving mad.

Hunger makes me go so mad, I only just noticed. The intense bad mood threatened to ruin my whole day. It did not help that ADP classrooms are about as comfortable as the North Pole, really.

Fucking hell, I'm so hungry. T^T

So much for that diet plan, eh, Natalie?