The Long Distance Disease

A long distance relationship is not a permanent solution.

It should only ever be temporary at most, and both parties need to always remind themselves that there is more to life than counting time zones and waiting for that call. Some people will tell you that a LDR is a test of strength to see what your relationship is made of. While that statement is true, even the most vigorous test doesn't last two years. A long distance that is just too far for far too long is anything but ideal. When the difference is as stark as night and day, and seeing each other would involve 20-hour plane rides and a hefty sum of cash, even temporary has a limit. 

The first six months were fine. We had daily Skype calls and a care package every two months. We were texting every second and the aching absence was felt so strongly. I would imagine holding his hand as I walked home from the grocery store, because I still remembered the way his hands felt. 

And then the absence goes away a tiny bit. Each person would have settled into a routine without the other. Each person had other concerns: work, school, family, friends. Life wasn't as painful anymore. Free time was still largely allocated to your partner, but daily life didn't truly involve them. Life was still good. We talked. We laughed. We did our best over spotty internet connection and a screen. We watched TV shows and gamed together.

Then there's a big change somewhere. Someone steps into a new phase of life without the other. A graduation. A celebration. A new job. A new interest or hobby. Of course, we share the news. We talk about it. We're genuinely happy for each other and we support each other. But being happy for someone is not the same as celebrating together. It slips a tiny bit, and updating each other takes more time and effort to explain everything. And then someone becomes busier with sudden workload and Skype calls are now shorter and quieter. Netflix dates are postponed. One person is significantly higher level in the same game. Suddenly the things that you've missed out seem to have grown unreasonably large. Birthdays, concerts, movie premiers. Every time an opportunity comes up, there is no option to go together. Someone feels left behind. Someone feels held back.

All those months of not being together shapes you into different people. A new social circle, or new classes, or simply just not being around each other, will change people. Relationships are about growing together, with each other. Unfortunately, a long distance relationship forces you to grow... regardless. Sometimes we can't keep up with each others' life. A weekend event or that heavy workload takes a while to remember. Inside jokes with other friends that you're not a part of. New haircuts. A detail that you assumed they would know but they don't. You would both try to stay the same but it simply doesn't happen. Life goes on. Time doesn't wait. And then one day you will realize that the person you left is not the same person sitting in front of a laptop screen. 

Then both parties have just become used to being apart. Growing used to absence. Seeing pictures of each other but not being able to watch the way their eyes light up, or stroke their hair, or feel their warmth. Carrying the ghosts of each other around without truly materializing.

A long distance relationship forces you to focus on the past and the future. There is very little substantial present to be brought to the table, and that's dangerous. If you focus on how good it was in the past, you will look up one day and realize everyone else has moved forward. If you focus on how good it will be in the future, you will risk blinding yourself to present problems. 

The good news is that for most people, the long distance is simply temporary. No one ever expects to stay in a long distance relationship forever. Eventually there must be some sort of compromise. Someone must move. Someone must come. Eventually, you will be together again.

And when that happens, the pain and loneliness of the long distance simply falls away.

So hold on. Have faith. Keep going. It will be worth it in the end.

Warm, Fuzzy Feelings

A couple weeks ago I bought a new 2016-2017 planner and I told le petit ami excitedly that I wish it was 2016 so I could use it immediately.

My #2016 #planner! In a bout of excitement I had it decorated with these adorable felt stickers!! 😍🐸🐵 MooMoo is modeling it 🐮☺️ I'm not even that well-organized but hey, the illusion of productivity is irresistible. 😆

A photo posted by Anne Law (@hashichopsticks) on Dec 9, 2015 at 11:46pm PST

As it is, the last month of the year is already here, and honestly I'm quite alarmed at the lack of remaining pages in my current planner.

2015 has been relatively kind to me. I've been able to mark many things off my To Do lists, and it gave me the chance to truly enjoy the small things. This later half of the year brought family and friends closer, and for that I cannot be more grateful.

It's not like the year was completely smooth sailing, however. There were terrible bumps in the road, worries that gnawed on my mind like a slow-creeping disease until I stayed paralyzed in bed. But I recovered, and grew a little stronger each time. I didn't finish everything I said I wanted to; I didn't read a book every week, or do my best in classes, or blog as much as I had wanted. I didn't get to present my best as much as I wanted; too many times I could barely bother that I've worn the same shirt for a week.

Yet I managed to complete a lot of other things I said I would do, and some that I didn't. I explored new recipes and ingredients, with highly positive results. I got a part-time job, and enjoyed it immensely. I learned to properly balance my time and assignments (though I can work more on it), and procrastinated a lot less than I thought I would. I explored new places and projects and performances. I learned to live alone, then I learned to share my life.

Most importantly, I've been happy. And I think that being happy is all that matters. So I look forward to 2016, and to another year of happiness!

Cold Springs

It is Sunday afternoon in early Spring. The weather is great, and it's spring break. I have my window open, the curtains fluttering in the gentle wind.

I live next door to a Mexican family. They're a very celebratory bunch- nearly every weekend there is some sort of gathering, or I would smell something delicious cooking. Right now they are having a pretty large party. There is someone playing the guitar, a bunch of people singing songs, a great deal of chattering and laughter. It's all very jovial. It reminds me of exactly how alone I am.

It is Sunday afternoon and I'm having chocolate ice cream on my own, in my cold room, in front of the computer watching Netflix. Or simply browsing. I'm hungry. I feel sick. My muscles ache, and nothing makes them better. I'm sniffling. I'm feeling chilled.

And all I want is to be sitting outside in the garden, soaking up spring sunshine, with family and friends, singing and eating and being merry. Perhaps I really was meant to live a Hobbit life.

I've been ridiculously exhausted all this time, so much so that I don't even know where I'm standing now. It feels like I'm standing on the beach, the waves pulling away the sand packed under my feet. I look at the world through detached eyes, for why shouldn't I? There is nothing here for me.

The curse of having been happy once is that when you're not- all the music and the joy in the world can't replace that. It just ends up pooling at your feet- and you feel colder than ever.

29 and Long Distance

Before 2012, I honestly never imagined that I would find someone to fall in love with. I was apathetic and cynical about love, because I simply didn't believe in it. I scoffed at things like "true love" and "unconditional love" because to me, a relationship was about politics and carefully calculated chess moves.

I am so happy to tell the world that I was wrong. It's without a doubt that I've found the most wonderful person to join me on my life's journey, someone to hold hands with through the worst days and the best days, someone to tell me the things I need to hear as well as the things I don't want to hear, someone to put a smile on my face regardless of bad tidings or good.

I've found someone who planned his life to mine, who waited for months away from me while slowly reaching towards our goal, who supports me all the way. He shoulders the weight of responsibility quietly, always two steps ahead of me.

I don't want to lie. Long distance relationships aren't easy. It's so fucking hard. We always miss each other (in both ways), and our texts get replied hours late. Someone ends up losing sleep (usually him, even though I insist he shouldn't). We run out of things to say, sometimes, because our worlds are so different now. We exhaust the usual jokes and reminisces, our "do you remembers" because we haven't made a new "do you remember" in so long. Our excitement for gifts and parcels fizzle out because it's been forever and asking "did you get it?" every 18 hours doesn't make the parcel magically appear. Sometimes, I admit, I nearly forget the sound of his voice because we haven't spoken in so long. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we go to sleep crying separately, sometimes we say things we don't mean. Sometimes we feel like it's the end of the road, where do we go from here, and sometimes we just say nothing at all.

But most times we try our hardest. Most times we laugh over stupid YouTube videos, or play a campaign (or three) of Left 4 Dead 2, or watch a movie together. Most times we update each other on things we eat and things we do. Most times I remind him there's only a couple more weeks left before I come home. Most times we spend hours telling each other in detail about why we love each other. Most times we talk about anything and everything. Most times we have no cloud in our future together.

We've missed our second anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Yet I'm still so ridiculously happy that for the past two years we could properly celebrate these special days that I never used to celebrate. I never bothered, I never cared. Now I do, only because it means I get to spend time with him and look back on our journey.

For the days that don't require looking back though... We look forward. Because we're so young, and the world still has so much potential, and regardless of where life takes us we'll travel together.

Because I'm your tsuma, and you're my otto ♥︎ Happy 29th monthsary love! I miss you lots!!

Positive Start, and Onwards...

So I just want to say that I have a job now. A steady, entry-level job that will get me by when I feel like eating out and things like that.

It's a strange idea to get used to. It's another responsibility added to my plate. This year I've just been piling my plate like I'm at a buffet, assuring myself that "I'm fine, I can still eat." I wonder if I know when I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Days are dragging by slowly. Torturously, even. It's probably because I've filled my schedule but also spaced out my time (good time management, see) so I always have breathing room but all the breathing room is just making me check my phone every 20 minutes because why won't the days go by faster.

It's Valentine's Day, and when everyone else is celebrating, people in long distance relationships have it even worse than people who shout about being forever alone. It's so much worse when you actually do have someone... but you just can't be together.

Regardless, I honestly thought I would enjoy my four day weekend more... yet these past days I've just been stressing about a research essay and homework assignment that I simply don't have the motivation to do. I want to do it. And I don't want to either.

In one blog post I've ranted about responsibilities, long distance relationships, and procrastination. Hey, at least I'm doing something.

I'm just so impatient right now. The stupid weather is being hot and cold, and I'm coughing my lungs out, and I just really want to wear shorts again.

I'm going to die in the heat and humidity when I go back to Malaysia in the summer.

...And Before January Ends

I have a very good feeling about 2015. This semester I'm in a brand new environment with a brand new outlook.

One of the greatest change this year is that I've gotten a lot more organized. I've got files for each of my classes, I've got a sweet little planner that's filling up surprisingly quickly, and I've got a countdown timer to spur me on. Strangely enough, all these little things do indeed seem to make this year leap with positivity.

Last year, I was unmotivated and under achieving. My apathy stemmed to all parts of my life. This year... In this one month of 2015 I've stopped horsing around and actually got shit done. In fact, I've gotten so much shit down so efficiently I'm a little amazed at myself. Of course, it's only been a week of school, but I already feel so much more comfortable. My schedules are workable and efficient, and I'm so glad about that. I wish I had invested in planners sooner, but oh, what can one do but not look back in anger (brownie points for whoever caught that song reference.)

Most of the credit I give to my friends; they were the ones who bring me places and discuss ideas (over food), they accompany me to buy things I need (planner and files haha) and they generally just made my life so much easier. Honestly I'm so glad I found a group of such wonderful people so quickly. It's my good fortune to be friends with them.

I guess right now the only thing I wish I could improve is cooking. I've gotten so tired of cooking things for one person that I'm eating a whole lot more instant noodles than I should. (This has, fortunately, not shown on my bikini body... yet.) Of course, I can always make extra stuff and eat leftovers throughout the week, but le petit ami does not allow it- and I have to agree, somehow leftovers and me just don't mix very well. What I'm excited about is when it gets warmer, and I can bring cold pasta salads or sandwiches for lunch that won't be an absolute mess by the time it gets there.

Boo to cold foggy winter weather.

In terms of classes, I think I'll be able to handle them without too much of a problem. Perhaps in the middle of the semester I'll cry myself to sleep swamped under piles of studying and assignments, but I'm hopeful that if I plan my time right I can avoid that.

Truthfully, my motivation comes from the appeal of summer break. I finally get to go home! I can't wait to see my loved ones... and of course this must be paired with ten courses of good ol' Malaysian food! I'm counting down the literal days before I can see this on my way home again. Home!

What Facebook Does

To be honest, I'm not exactly having the time of my life here. I'm struggling to make friends, to be a part of the community, to be noticed. Most of the time I'd rather just stay at home and watch Once Upon A Time (a post for next time, or Tumblr).

So naturally I scroll Facebook. And I see my friends- they're all so popular now, so pretty, so grown up. They've made friends and families and memories. They dress so well and look so good.

In my room, on this chair where the springs dig into my thigh, I feel so left out. I haven't felt pretty in so long... My skin is dry and not for the lack of lotion I slather on daily. My cheeks have been sunburnt without being noticed and I'm pretty sure I was never so hairy. I try to take selfies on days when I don't feel like a complete waste of atoms but I always delete them. I try to dress up but I'm never good enough. I try to make the best decisions but I never know if they are. I feel frustrated and unhappy and it's never a good thing to have.

Then I remind myself that I don't have to be miserable. Because I have friends, and family. They may not be with me now but they're there for me. I have the love of my life, the one person who keeps me going every day. The one person who keeps my spirit up with kind words and adorable pictures. And I realize I don't have to take unnaturally pretty selfies for the world- I just need to take selfies for that one person- to show him my smiles and stupid faces, because he likes those best.

Tomorrow morning, I'll dress up and feel pretty. And even if I don't, I'll enjoy myself.

American Food Post #2: The Good Stuff!

Of course American food isn't limited only to pizza and burgers. I've been eating a lot more yoghurt for one, because they have a large variety of greek yoghurt with all sorts of good stuff. And frozen yoghurt, oh so good. 

So much better than Tutti Frutti, and so much cheaper, even after the exchange rate. Yum!

This Mixim yoghurt really cheered me up a whole lot, though. It was on sale for like $1 or something so I bought a couple and mmmm I am surprised. Being used to the whole Malaysian standard of "discounted food" I wasn't expecting anything good (I was expecting it to be terrible, at least) but I am surprised.

The kid in me had so much fun mixing the raspberry jam with the surprisingly flavorful chocolate bits. It's safe to say that this will be one of the more well-stocked desserts I'll have lying around. ˚₊*(ˊॢo̶̶̷̤◡ुo̴̶̷̤ˋॢ)*₊˚⁎

Then today I popped by 7-11 to see if they had anything for sale. I came across this wonderful creation called the Oreo ice-cream...

And it was so good. It wasn't too sweet, wasn't too overwhelming, and it was just soft enough to chew but didn't melt. In a nutshell: Amazing.

The cookie coating was firm didn't crumble much, the soft ice-cream on the inside was chewy. How is it possible??

Even though it's a little on the pricey side, I don't think I'll be able to resist an Oreo bar after a nice filling bagel...

It's a good thing my new place has a weighing scale... Really have to keep the pounds off this Asian frame! (●´⌓`●)

The Many Thoughts about Food

So before I came, and even after, many of my musings and wonder consisted of food.

Now, even more so.

I still can't get over American portions. Take a look.

This pizza is 10", about a medium size in Malaysian standards I think. It cost a little over $5, and fed me for three meals. #sogood I love this place, they have the best pizzas and it always has it's own personal touch. xD Also, chilli flakes. #YES

When do you ever need a big onion bigger than my hand? This wasn't even the biggest one in the pile. It's the one I decided to buy. I've currently used half to cook twice, and that half was enough for 5 meals. I've wrapped it in air-tight plastic, and I scorn at the onions in the shared fridge that are exposed completely... for weeks. Someone's going to have a fun time in the toilet.

There's also an issue of not being able to get milk under a galleon (a little under 2 liters). The only half-galleon milk I could find was lactose-free, for the lactose intolerant. I understand now why Leonard can eat cereal despite his lactose intolerance.

Everything here is in suitably sharing-sizes... so do come soon, please?

I found this cute thing for under $2 but my roommate chided me and said no. :( She's just mean. How can you not want to eat How to Train Your Dragon 2-shaped mac n' cheese??? But she made me put it back. Don't worry I shall buy you next time!

This was found in the nearby 7-11... They basically sell beef jerkies in boxes and you can pick and choose your own. Kind of like how we sell our preserved fruit! Now that I'm seeing it, however, I'm starting to get a little bit hungry...

Egg, cheese and bacon... YUM! Breakfast in a bagel but it's so, so good! I've only ever tried the bagels in SS15 once, but blegh. THESE bagels are the reason why I can have them for breakfast everyday! And the best thing is, it's not even too much!

Today's lunch (and possibly dinner) is pasta with leftover roasted chicken from the noodle place last night. See? Another meal. Add some mushrooms (which I had to use up anyway) and yellow onion, season with a bit of soy sauce and black pepper, and there we go, yummy awesome food! I honestly love how much my culinary skills have improved after browsing many, many, many, many recipes... There's a pattern to cooking, and once you understand that pattern it's not hard to cook at all. Yes! Looking forward to cooking more and experimenting with stews, my next trial.

These pretzel m&m's actually don't taste all that different from the blue wafer ones we get in M'sia, cept a tad bit softer and saltier. It's not really my thing, it's quite heavy on the tastebuds... Then again so much of American food is!

I had fun with my roommate & friends doing exceptionally girly things. I've never really the experience of doing so 'just for fun' like how you see in American teen movies. The only sleepover experience I've had included movie marathons, cup noodles, and canned mocha. Nail polish and makeup? New territory. Also they may be right, I may be a bit of nail polish fanatic. (I insist I am not, still do.)

A major update! This baby is going to make my life so much easier. Her name is Buttermilk, and she is gorgeous. No more lazy grocery trips, no more 40 minute 10-block walks!

A shot of Saints Peter and Paul Church in Washington Square Park, San Franciso to end. It's beautiful and lying in the grass really is such an American thing to do, but I definitely see the appeal in it. It'd be great for bare-foot sports, general running around and mischievousness.

I think I'm doing alright!

Stay In My Room... Forever.

Back in Malaysia I wouldn't have understood why people choose to stay in their rooms all the time- things I read on Tumblr, I couldn't relate to. For me, I needed to be with people, with friends.

I now know why. I can relate; I am very much hoping to stay in my room forever- at least I feel that way right now. I don't know where to go; I don't know who to call; I don't know what to say, what to think, what to...

Perhaps I'm still trying to recover from walking San Francisco for the whole day... I'm unsure. But right now I am simply wishing to be alone; or at least with comfortable company...

Being on edge is taking a toll on me; I dread people, I dread interaction- this may be the introverted side of me coming out in full form in this highly extroverted culture; but I simply don't want to do anything.

I'm hoping next week changes some things. Perhaps I can meet some new people, join some clubs, see new stuff, expose myself a little more.

I'm not very hopeful right now, but I'm not completely frustrated.

I just wish you were here.

Morning Sun

I am unsure whether or not this is due to jet lag, but regardless it is very strange that I wake up at 7 everyday now. Sleep at 9 (I managed to stay up to 9 without a nap yesterday) and wake up at 7 calls for a 10-hour-sleep... At least I'm sure people will tell me it's a healthy change and what not.

Mornings here are so very beautiful- actually, mornings back home are too. That golden hour at 10 when the sun is warm and shines with a golden tint... I sort of miss mornings back home. Then again if I were home I wouldn't see much of it.

My room with a view.

I used to (try) to sleep before midnight (and failing, usually) and wake up to my 9 o'clock alarm... then snooze it to wake up at 10. Haha! It sure is a great change for me to have sleeping patterns like this... I don't think I've ever slept so early, except possibly primary school.

I'm not complaining! We all know the benefits of sleeping early, so hello good skin and healthy bowel movements! Also, I get to use the bathroom while everyone else is still sleeping! I just hope I can keep this up even when I have classes.

Glad to report that I have been super responsible for myself this week... Tidying up, making my bed, cooking and cleaning, vacuuming... I think I can handle this staying by myself thing... Yeah. I'll make it through! :)

Pepperoni pretzels, mmmhph, so so good!

How does the same thing taste so much better here??

DARK CHOCOLATE CHEERIOS NOT EVEN KIDDING

Home made mushroom omelette tortillas! + bacon bits! :D

Be Yourself, Be An Inspiration

There used to be a flat area of grass next to the tennis courts at the park nearby. When I was younger I'd run off to the park every evening until dinner.

There also used to be a couple who brought their dog there every evening for training. When I knew they did so, I started to bring mine too. Only just did I remember that perhaps I had fallen in love with her then.

They were old (adult!) when I knew them, but perhaps now they not that old to me anymore. The lady wore her hair short, wore her clothes tight, and wore her sneakers often. She spoke kindly to me, and gave Snowy doggy treats. (She was the reason I learned that dogs can be given doggy treats every once in a while- although later I tended to spoil my dogs.) The man was quieter, showed up less often, but had the same enthusiastic energy she had. They were dog trainers, I remember her explaining to me. To me it was a vague concept, a hobby. I imagined her having some office work. I imagined him poring over blueprints. I don't imagine such things for anyone anymore, for it is unfair and I have learned better.

Groovy the dog was (if I am not mistaken) a Jack Russell terrier. I am not biased when it comes to breeds, I pick all my dogs from SPCA. Jack Russell terriers, however, has always been the one breed that I absolutely adore. (At least now I know why.) He was very well-trained, playing Fetch, doing tricks, performing for us. He also had a bit of an attitude, a bite to match his bark, and I have never been able to give him a full tummy rub. (My dogs, on the other hand, expose their furry tummies to anyone who bothers to pet them.)

In the beginning I thought the lady and the man were married. I brought it up, abruptly, in conversation, the way only a 9 year old can without sounding rude. She laughed and said no. They weren't married, but they were living together. I was delightfully scandalised to learn such a thing, for my mother would never approve of such thing, and it was such a greatly different way of life than what I knew then. However I prodded no further and also never mentioned it to my parents, lest they decide that they were bad influence and not allow me to see them or Groovy the dog. (Groovy the dog is always Groovy the dog, Groovy the dog can only be called 'Groovy' by the lady.)

 It may seem rude that I do not know (or remember) their names, and I do agree that it's not ideal. Yet despite seeing them everyday and playing with their dog, until the time came for me to stay at home even during the evenings, it never quite dawned on me that I should know their names.

A few years after seeing them one last time, I saw Groovy the dog again on a newspaper article about a dog show. They won first place. I suppose it clicked in my head that they were really not the sort of adults I had been taught to believe. I did attempt to search for them online, but nothing came up. Again I promptly forgot them.

Yesterday I thought I saw a woman walking a dog that reminded me of Groovy the dog. I was in my car, at the traffic light on Jalan Ara, and out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw the adult who had changed my life more than they (nor I) could ever imagine.

Thanks to her, I found out that not everyone lives their life like how I have been taught to live mine. Thanks to her, I found out that not everyone treats their dog as, simply, a dog. Thanks to her I learned that you can be friends with a 9-year-old.

I don't remember her name, and she very likely doesn't remember me at all. But she inspired me to break out of the conventional mould simply by being herself. You never know who you can inspire, and you never know when.

Cheers to childhood memories!

In Limbo

I've been putting off going to America for much too long, and it frustrates me.

On one hand I'm so reluctant to leave my home, my friends, my life here in Malaysia... On the other I'm so excited, so desperate to want to explore and be amazed.

I've met some problems with my application, which set me back another half a year. And in this free time when I step out a little to experience with my internship, I realize I'm not young enough to hide behind a silly reason for not being useful or responsible anymore.

I'm 20 years old with nothing to my name, with plans long-discarded or abandoned.

The same friends who used to look to me enviously because I'm granted the gift to study abroad have already experienced their first years in another country, being scared and overcoming their fears. They've grown up, matured somewhat, and gained a fraction of independence.

At the same time I sit at home and scroll the depths of the interwebs, aching for such a day.

I know it won't be easy- then again nothing ever is, and an object at rest stays at rest- but do I ever want to be part of the buzzing, vigorous life. Creating magic and filling the world with saturated youth and blind optimism because I can, because I want to, because I believe so.

I want to go out and explore, fly away and find new things, open my eyes to controversy, think scandalous thoughts and write about things that inspire, disgust, interest, horrify me all with enthusiasm only the young can generate.

Except I don't want to end when I'm not-young, I want to end when I'm not-remembered (which implies that I will not die in traditional silly means like body decay) and when no one knows my name anymore.

Of course all this is nothing but wishful thinking, because we all think we can change the world.

Now I just need to get up and do something about it.

Trigonometry, My Nightmare Since 5ever.

It is my firm belief that trigonometry has ventured into the theoretical part of math, unlike traditional views of math- and I hate it. It's horrid. It baffles me. If you give me algebra, or stuff an equation with unknowns- yes that makes sense. It's understandable; x, y, π. Formulas. Cold, hard, logical mathematics. Give me graphs. Even differentiation and integration is easier to understand.

I'll be the first to say I'm intimidated by versatile mathematics.

Even though I manage to do the questions, I do not get any sort of happiness from them. I do, however, get some sort of morbid satisfaction from successfully solving a remarkably tedious question. The same sort of satisfaction comparable to getting a prick out of your hand, popping a particularly painful pimple, or throwing away food you don't like that has turned sour.

And when I don't solve the question, I feel frustrated, dumb, and incompetent. As though my self worth stems from how well I can solve math problems.

This is probably the one problem that comes from Asian parents and society's mindset. That if you don't know how solve complicated math you are considered subpar. That somehow you're just not as smart. If you don't get an A+ in math you're not a 'proper' Asian.

Don't even get me started on failing Calculus 1. Not 2, not 3. Just Calculus 1. I can foresee the shitstorm that's going to rise up anytime soon.

Granted, yes, Calculus 1 isn't hard. But I don't do math like I used to.

Sorry for being stupid.

OneRepublic Concert @ Sunway Lagoon, 2013.

So... finally. After discovering OneRepublic four years ago and falling deeply in love ever since, I finally get to see them live.

My heart, it quivers.

I love le petit ami for getting VIP tickets for us~! Really dear, it was so much better to see them up close and personal!!!

Too much feels, I started crying the moment Ryan Tedder started to sing Light It Up... The music sent shivers down my spine and prickled my skin. The feeling was amazing... The absolute delight at finally getting to see them perform live.

Many times I was just absolutely lost in the music and the atmosphere... These were the songs that I've made to be a part of myself, that I've lived and breathed and sang to and cried to and fell asleep to. These were the songs that bring themselves forward whenever there is an appropriate situation, the songs that comforted me and the songs that gave me hope and let me live again.

The band was wonderful... It was all my favorite songs, all our songs, the songs that saved my life... No band is quite as integrated into my life and such a deep, critical part of me as OneRepublic is.

Something in their songs speak to me, being just the right amount of tender and wonderful. (Of course, Brent Kutzle's cello-playing skills are simply irresistable.) It's honest and longing and love and wishing and things we've missed and things we've gone through all in one. To experience it live, with Ryan Tedder's amazing energy, just reinforces it all.

Even better than that?

I had a lovely, perfect man holding me through it all. :) I love you, hatsukoi~ ^^

Sparks

I love how you're my motivation

and when you smile I hit the ground

and when you kiss me gently I melt

and I end up thinking of all the things I never thought I would.

.

I love how I try my best

and I won't even get tired

because at the end I know

it's worth it; you're worth it.

.

I love how we hold hands

hold pinkies hold hearts

and the silence is nothing

but warm and comfortable

.

I didn't fight so hard

fight my self my mind my life

if I didn't hope for this

and it's so much better.

.

I think I want to keep you.

Growing Up

So, tomorrow night is prom night. I'll be going with le petit ami, in something I would never have worn and shoes I used to deem stupid.

I'm not sure if I'm growing up or just growing insensitive.

Long ago I made the decision to stop dressing like a high school kid. Unfortunately I still do sometimes, but I've been putting in effort to at least look decently dressed. (Then again that relies on your definition of freedom, hehe.) I've tried to "spruce up your look!" with accessories, which according to all the magazine and fashion tips online is destined to work.

Well I sorta agree with them on that.

I've been wondering when would be the proper time to ever wear heels to uni, or if I ever would. I mean in terms of casual wear, when I literally just feel like it. I've been wondering if I ever would.

Image is undeniably important. Such an unconscious thing and we do it all the time.

I'm not hoping to suddenly change my image overnight... but somehow I think it's getting there.

Growing up. It means losing everything.

Spirals, Spirals, Never Ending Spirals

I'm starting to think that all my intense spirals of self-loathing must certainly be already common now. Every time I think I'm over this shit I fall back into the same spiral. Again.

Possibly I should explain my spirals. My spirals are always self-depreciating and hateful, though there may be a difference in reason why I fell (or was I pushed?) and the context. It doesn't matter what causes the spirals, all I know is there will be another spiral after this one.

Like a black hole that leads to another that leads to another black hole.

Constantly being told that I'm fat not by media- but by close friends and family members. Great, so now to add to my already shaky self-confidence I have to worry about being unflattering in my old clothes, new clothes, or even in a towel. I have to worry about characters I can or cannot cosplay. Because I'm fat. And that's the worst thing a girl can be. Fat.

I hate how I used to be slim and pretty. I had trouble finding clothes that fit me because they'll be too big. I never had to worry about my waistline because it was perfect. I never needed to watch what I eat because I didn't have to care. Now I eye those skinny bitches on campus with a mixture of jealousy and judgement, because of course it's not wrong to be fat, it's just society putting pressure on us.

Bullshit. Society is made up of the people with such values that has influential control over instruments of power. Like media.

I can be pro-diversity all I like, but the fact doesn't change that I want to be slimmer. I want to be able to put my hands on my waist and not be disgusted that I can feel belly fat. I want to be able to wear jeans without it being a war to pull the tough fabric over my blossoming thighs. I want to be able to wear a tank top and not worry about my arms being flabby and my tummy fat showing. I want to feel completely in love with my own body- and it's even worse that I've felt that love long before- when I was thinner.

Fuck. Fuck this shit.

Similarities

Yay double post. But I figured since the previous post was short and silly, double posting is acceptable in this case.

Recently I've been lurking around blogs. Not my own (through yes I read through them occasionally and laugh at them) but other people's. And honestly speaking there in nothing in my blog that differentiates me from all those other blogs out there. Reading through a certain someone's posts I can honestly say, to another person these two blogs would look the same, read the same, and be of the same unimportance. It leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth to say that I agree.

Many things I read, I understood. The feelings and the meanings behind the veiled words. I know because I've written the same damn things before.

This breezy vapid life
Has life ever been this hard?

In a way I am jealous because I see what I could have been in a different time, place, dimension. I see the songs I like now- and I see them appearing in the journal of another, long before my time.

I'm jealous because the experiences of another is something I can't experience... The words written are just words that are meaningless and generic but to the writer it holds a thought that hides inside. Who am I to barge in on memories of life before I knew the existence of you? Who am I to walk the younger years with you in the state of virtual suspension of time? Who am I to think anything I do now can affect you, or vice versa?

My mouth lies and denies vehemently that I'm okay and I'm fine; my mind tells me to shut up and get a hold of myself; my heart skips a beat with every paragraph I read and what I fear to see catches my eye. Yet I cannot stop, not even with unstable Internet connection, not even with assignments to do.

I don't know you at all and yet I feel a connection with you, a fellow blogger. It's possible that you may know of me- of me, that's the key word- but it's unlikely that you care enough to see this. For I am wrong and paranoid, and you're... not.

But I still don't like you, for selfish reasons.

Stories and Walls

This morning I managed to grab some time with le petit ami's aunt, who is a journalist, and very graciously allowed me to join her and her friends for lunch. Such a kind, wonderful lady! Now I feel incredibly inefficient since everything was planned last minute as she had to leave in the afternoon. :\

There is nothing more interesting than hearing stories of other people, especially people with a deep pool of experiences. Stories that lead to stories that lead to more stories. Life is just stories that overlap to create a multi-dimensional experience and then history comes in and makes it one-dimensional again. Sort of like how people tend to undervalue the beauty of simplicity and add more colors and glitters and sparkly things to things that don't need them, like vampires. That was such a bad comparison. I don't know what my mind is doing right now.

One day I will be that. To have a whole deposit of grand adventures and great stories to tell, to live my life the way I want to live it.

Here, have a silly picture of me telling myself that 

I dare to live my life the way I want to. 

Original picture at Roxy's gallery, please like and share if 

you think my vague attempt at being witty did not end up generic.

As it is, I can only dream of living the good life right now, and continue to struggle with the baggage I have on my end. I need to find a metaphorical sea to dump my metaphorical baggage into, and wish it away to the end of cyberspace as metaphorical bits and bytes.

It is funny though, how when people ask for opinions of decisions we are quick to give solutions, in which everything can be done ideally. Yet when we face our own walls we think it unclimbable, we think it impossible, we sit against it in our minds and cry because of the utter weakness we can only see.

I either need a good large dose of Calvin and Hobbes right now, or some ninja skills. Perhaps I need a bit of both.