Positive Start, and Onwards...

So I just want to say that I have a job now. A steady, entry-level job that will get me by when I feel like eating out and things like that.

It's a strange idea to get used to. It's another responsibility added to my plate. This year I've just been piling my plate like I'm at a buffet, assuring myself that "I'm fine, I can still eat." I wonder if I know when I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Days are dragging by slowly. Torturously, even. It's probably because I've filled my schedule but also spaced out my time (good time management, see) so I always have breathing room but all the breathing room is just making me check my phone every 20 minutes because why won't the days go by faster.

It's Valentine's Day, and when everyone else is celebrating, people in long distance relationships have it even worse than people who shout about being forever alone. It's so much worse when you actually do have someone... but you just can't be together.

Regardless, I honestly thought I would enjoy my four day weekend more... yet these past days I've just been stressing about a research essay and homework assignment that I simply don't have the motivation to do. I want to do it. And I don't want to either.

In one blog post I've ranted about responsibilities, long distance relationships, and procrastination. Hey, at least I'm doing something.

I'm just so impatient right now. The stupid weather is being hot and cold, and I'm coughing my lungs out, and I just really want to wear shorts again.

I'm going to die in the heat and humidity when I go back to Malaysia in the summer.

Out of Steam

There is little more I can say other than how increasingly frustrated I am with my life right now. I try hard to look on the bright side all the time but falling sick is always due to stress and lord knows I'm stressed right now.

My voice is gone, and I sound like an insane mass murderer right now. I sure am feeling like a murderer.

I hate things being complicated and tentative- I am unable to decide and come up with plans efficiently. I'm unable to settle down and grit my teeth and say, "Let's get it over with.". I am unable to call for plans of action.

And when my life seems complicated and unsure, I lose motivation. Like a steam engine that has run out of steam. The amount of energy I need to throw myself into moving again is just too much.

My vision swims occasionally and I'm slightly concerned about my health. I don't have insurance, so if I die they won't ship my body home. Terrible, isn't it? I should live a safe, hermit lifestyle and stay in my room forever. No accidents, no sickness.

It's Friday. My life is stagnant for the weekend, and it's unlikely I'd do anything more than sit at home and laze about. I should appreciate it, but I don't think I can. I miss home.

What Facebook Does

To be honest, I'm not exactly having the time of my life here. I'm struggling to make friends, to be a part of the community, to be noticed. Most of the time I'd rather just stay at home and watch Once Upon A Time (a post for next time, or Tumblr).

So naturally I scroll Facebook. And I see my friends- they're all so popular now, so pretty, so grown up. They've made friends and families and memories. They dress so well and look so good.

In my room, on this chair where the springs dig into my thigh, I feel so left out. I haven't felt pretty in so long... My skin is dry and not for the lack of lotion I slather on daily. My cheeks have been sunburnt without being noticed and I'm pretty sure I was never so hairy. I try to take selfies on days when I don't feel like a complete waste of atoms but I always delete them. I try to dress up but I'm never good enough. I try to make the best decisions but I never know if they are. I feel frustrated and unhappy and it's never a good thing to have.

Then I remind myself that I don't have to be miserable. Because I have friends, and family. They may not be with me now but they're there for me. I have the love of my life, the one person who keeps me going every day. The one person who keeps my spirit up with kind words and adorable pictures. And I realize I don't have to take unnaturally pretty selfies for the world- I just need to take selfies for that one person- to show him my smiles and stupid faces, because he likes those best.

Tomorrow morning, I'll dress up and feel pretty. And even if I don't, I'll enjoy myself.

Moving House

So I'll be leaving the I-House soon. Moving into a house, where I have my own room. An adorable old dog, a sweet landlady, and a nice big backyard with lemons and tomatoes and all the good stuff!

Her daughters left a bunch of flowers in my room... Such a sweet gesture!

I do appreciate the hustle and bustle of the International House... It was a great place, with fun people and something to look forward to. Yet I find that being unused to a dorm simply means being unused to a dorm.

I'm not uncomfortable. Yet I'm not comfortable. There is a need to always watch out for other people... and just because you are considerate doesn't mean other people are.

(This, and also the indignity of my food disappearing.)

My new room is much bigger, with cool air and lots- lots- of storage space. I can't say I dislike it at all! I've only been here a couple of times but I'm settling in really really well.

A full length mirror so I can #ootd unashamedly... With good lighting too!

Oh, nostalgia! I miss home, the markings on the dining room pillar and wall... My ugly drawings and little notes, "You've grown taller!" that stopped sometime around '12... (sigh)

This small window faces the bed and lets in a whole lot of light and a whole lot of air. #fengshui

A house to live in... A room in a house is better than half a room in a mansion. (Unless, of course, it's my mansion uhuhuhu.)

Time to settle in!