My Child Will Probably Die.

I've never wanted children. Economically speaking children are terrible investments, with little to no return. Raising kids is a luxury only the well off can afford (and not be miserable after).

As I reach the age where I live alone and take on responsibilities for myself, I realize that perhaps I was simply aware of my short-comings as a general human being. Things I take care of tend to die a lot. My pets and potted plants live an extremely short life with me.

Right now my venus flytrap is a blackened little stub sitting sadly in its cow-printed pot. I put it in the full spring sun, so it looks even sadder next to the vibrant blooming weeds flowers in the garden. All my research tells me that my plant isn't dead: it's hibernating. Yet it's now a warm 23˚C (74˚F for all you Americans) and spring has been in the air for more than a week.

It reminds me of the cactus I used to have back home. At first it would be green and vibrant, perhaps it would even have a flower off to the side. Then as I keep it in my room for a couple of weeks it starts going soft and taking on a dirty shade of brown, even as I water it religiously every week. (It's a cactus, I learned my lesson after drowning my first one.)

I don't have green thumbs, this much I know. I try my hands at indoor gardens (spring onions, anyone?) and they still die very quickly. I can literally kill off even the strongest of weeds. Is this a good thing? I'm not sure.

I wonder if I can blame this on my black thumb, or is a telltale sign that I probably shouldn't even think about raising a child because I will most likely kill it off somehow. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be raising anything at all. So I guess in the end I'll just be throwing it all to le petit ami. His green thumb makes up for my lack of skill, so I guess it works!

Positive Start, and Onwards...

So I just want to say that I have a job now. A steady, entry-level job that will get me by when I feel like eating out and things like that.

It's a strange idea to get used to. It's another responsibility added to my plate. This year I've just been piling my plate like I'm at a buffet, assuring myself that "I'm fine, I can still eat." I wonder if I know when I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Days are dragging by slowly. Torturously, even. It's probably because I've filled my schedule but also spaced out my time (good time management, see) so I always have breathing room but all the breathing room is just making me check my phone every 20 minutes because why won't the days go by faster.

It's Valentine's Day, and when everyone else is celebrating, people in long distance relationships have it even worse than people who shout about being forever alone. It's so much worse when you actually do have someone... but you just can't be together.

Regardless, I honestly thought I would enjoy my four day weekend more... yet these past days I've just been stressing about a research essay and homework assignment that I simply don't have the motivation to do. I want to do it. And I don't want to either.

In one blog post I've ranted about responsibilities, long distance relationships, and procrastination. Hey, at least I'm doing something.

I'm just so impatient right now. The stupid weather is being hot and cold, and I'm coughing my lungs out, and I just really want to wear shorts again.

I'm going to die in the heat and humidity when I go back to Malaysia in the summer.

Things Don't Make Sense

The thing with depression is that you never realize you're getting there until you're in it. It's never an overnight turn of events (though that may be the trigger) but it's that moment when your brain is screaming at you with white noise at 3am in the morning and tears are streaming down your face and breathing becomes a problem that you hit the brakes and think to yourself, "Oh god, I'm in depression."

Of course that may be just me.

No one ever likes talking about depression because it's not a fun topic. No one would expect me to have depression either, because I'm not exactly unfamiliar with unicorns and rainbows and preppy bright colors. I wouldn't have thought I'd ever be here again. I thought depression was just something that you can get over once and build an immunity to, like chickenpox.

There is nothing strong about being in depression. People might discuss this whole concept in a classroom or in a group and someone might say, "Oh, you must be so strong to have gone through depression." It's nothing to be proud of. It's not a shining success to put on your resumé. It wasn't a conscious effort to cry myself to sleep and wake up before the sky grows light and throw on some clothes to go for classes in the cold. It was just routine. It allowed my mind to be on autopilot. It allowed myself to grab the cup of coffee and chug it so I can pretend that the migraine spreading through my skull was a side effect of the coffee, not the crushing stress of being a fuck-up.

In the same way that a homosexual may say, "I may not want to fuck that person, but I can still tell that the person is attractive.", I can still decide that today is a beautiful cool fall day, with the warm sun shining through the sparse clouds and the chilly wind calmly blowing into my hair to give it that attractive bouncy air. This does not mean that suddenly my life is all glitter and happiness and everything-in-the-world-is-right.

Often I wonder if I'm just too weak to make it, or if the world is cruel and we all living like this. If I am weak, then what will be the end of me? If the world is cruel, then what will be the end of us?

I find no reason to hide my depression now, possibly because I'm under the delusion that I'm so far away nothing will hurt me (though was that not one of the reasons why I'm here) and possibly because even American air smells of LIBERTY LIBERTY I DO WHAT I WANT I AM NOT SORRY FOR IT. The constant upkeep of my moods are rendered useless when I never see the people who even matter to me. I have no need to pretend to be keeping myself together when I don't even know where to begin. To my family and friends who see this, please don't worry yourself unnecessarily for me. I appreciate it, but I don't want it.

Consequences of Decisions

You know those days when you realize, deep in your heart, that you have an issue at hand, and it's between a rock and a hard place. It's between a rock and a very hard place.

I love decisions, and I hate making them. To do so is an act of responsibility, to bear the consequences of that decision.

To make a decision to eat chili pan mee, for example, when you are sick and having a sore throat, is to bear the responsibility to deal with the consequences of suffering your throat burning.

I hate even more the decisions that deal with the future. How am I to know that I have accurately dealt with the decision I was faced with? How am I to know that I have made the right choice? I've promised myself to always make my decisions with careful thought and to never regret my decisions on the basis that they were the right choices at that specific time with my current knowledge. This promise, of course, has caused myself great stress concerning all my life choices.

Fast food for dinner? Deal with the bloated tummy myself.

Spend my money on clothes? Deal with the uneasy weeks with extremely tight budgets.

Fly across the world to continue my tertiary studies alone without guidance? Deal with all the bullshit that comes along from the public university and homesickness.

I realize how easy it is to let myself go and roll in bed without a care in the world, giving nary a second thought to such decisions and instead go with "what you feel like".

Without a doubt the only thing I feel like right now is to fly straight home into the arms of loved ones and eat all the chili pan mee (and other terribly delicious Malaysian food I hungered for as I scrolled Instagram late last night) I can eat and live the rest of my life without a care in the world, watching TV shows and writing stories.

Unfortunately, that is not an option I can entertain, not even in my mind. Such is the consequence.

What can I do right now but to stop myself from breaking down and punching people in the face? Look on the bright side; look on the bright side... There is none.

Out of Steam

There is little more I can say other than how increasingly frustrated I am with my life right now. I try hard to look on the bright side all the time but falling sick is always due to stress and lord knows I'm stressed right now.

My voice is gone, and I sound like an insane mass murderer right now. I sure am feeling like a murderer.

I hate things being complicated and tentative- I am unable to decide and come up with plans efficiently. I'm unable to settle down and grit my teeth and say, "Let's get it over with.". I am unable to call for plans of action.

And when my life seems complicated and unsure, I lose motivation. Like a steam engine that has run out of steam. The amount of energy I need to throw myself into moving again is just too much.

My vision swims occasionally and I'm slightly concerned about my health. I don't have insurance, so if I die they won't ship my body home. Terrible, isn't it? I should live a safe, hermit lifestyle and stay in my room forever. No accidents, no sickness.

It's Friday. My life is stagnant for the weekend, and it's unlikely I'd do anything more than sit at home and laze about. I should appreciate it, but I don't think I can. I miss home.

Stay In My Room... Forever.

Back in Malaysia I wouldn't have understood why people choose to stay in their rooms all the time- things I read on Tumblr, I couldn't relate to. For me, I needed to be with people, with friends.

I now know why. I can relate; I am very much hoping to stay in my room forever- at least I feel that way right now. I don't know where to go; I don't know who to call; I don't know what to say, what to think, what to...

Perhaps I'm still trying to recover from walking San Francisco for the whole day... I'm unsure. But right now I am simply wishing to be alone; or at least with comfortable company...

Being on edge is taking a toll on me; I dread people, I dread interaction- this may be the introverted side of me coming out in full form in this highly extroverted culture; but I simply don't want to do anything.

I'm hoping next week changes some things. Perhaps I can meet some new people, join some clubs, see new stuff, expose myself a little more.

I'm not very hopeful right now, but I'm not completely frustrated.

I just wish you were here.

In Limbo

I've been putting off going to America for much too long, and it frustrates me.

On one hand I'm so reluctant to leave my home, my friends, my life here in Malaysia... On the other I'm so excited, so desperate to want to explore and be amazed.

I've met some problems with my application, which set me back another half a year. And in this free time when I step out a little to experience with my internship, I realize I'm not young enough to hide behind a silly reason for not being useful or responsible anymore.

I'm 20 years old with nothing to my name, with plans long-discarded or abandoned.

The same friends who used to look to me enviously because I'm granted the gift to study abroad have already experienced their first years in another country, being scared and overcoming their fears. They've grown up, matured somewhat, and gained a fraction of independence.

At the same time I sit at home and scroll the depths of the interwebs, aching for such a day.

I know it won't be easy- then again nothing ever is, and an object at rest stays at rest- but do I ever want to be part of the buzzing, vigorous life. Creating magic and filling the world with saturated youth and blind optimism because I can, because I want to, because I believe so.

I want to go out and explore, fly away and find new things, open my eyes to controversy, think scandalous thoughts and write about things that inspire, disgust, interest, horrify me all with enthusiasm only the young can generate.

Except I don't want to end when I'm not-young, I want to end when I'm not-remembered (which implies that I will not die in traditional silly means like body decay) and when no one knows my name anymore.

Of course all this is nothing but wishful thinking, because we all think we can change the world.

Now I just need to get up and do something about it.

Sneaker Heels and How They Irk Me So.

First off, if you don't know what sneaker heels are, allow me to contaminate your mind:

These are sneaker heels: like its name suggests, it's a pair of sneakers... but with heels.

Apparently this is some sort of new fashion which mashes sneakers and the conventional high heels. What you get is a a pair of sneakers that don't allow you to run, and high heels that aren't sleek and sensual.

Somehow it's like a tablet phone - a phone too big for you to put in your pocket, and a tablet too small to be tablet-comfy.

I don't understand how people like it, but they do. This includes, le petit ami, who has told me numerous times that it's amazingly sexy.

My mind screams about impracticality, because it's a pair of sneakers you can't run in.

What is the point of this if you can't run in them???

I understand that it's a new type of fashion and yes, for some people it is a huge turn on, but....

BUT IT'S SO IMPRACTICALLLLLLLLL //cries







...and now the worst thing ever?
I think I've grown kinda fond of them, and gotten over the initial repulsion, cuz I figured they'd go really well with shorts/denims etc but they're so expensive!

THIS IS WHY IT'S SO HARD TO BE A GIRL!!!!! YOU CAN HATE IT BUT YOU STILL WANT IT!

It's Okay To Be Angry.

Sometime last week I found this on Taylor's Confession page... And judging by how often we hang out at SLC and how many other couples give foot massages (read: none) I have no doubt it was directed at le petit ami.

Friends kept telling me that my anger was unnecessary and that it shows how insecure I am in my relationship. That I need to trust him, and just take a chill pill.

Let me get things straight: I am not insecure that le petit ami will run off with some other girl, because thinking that is not only far-fetched, it is an insult to him. I am, however, angry that some girls think it is okay to think of other people's boyfriends this way.

First let me address something rather alarming at the response I get: why do people say I shouldn't get angry? In fact, what is there to not get angry about? I feel violated at this statement. I feel violated on behalf of  le petit ami as well. To make it easier to digest my analysis, this confession has the following:

1. Acknowledgement of a public relationship between two people
2. Subsequent disregard of the girlfriend
3. Replacement of self into the role of the girlfriend
4. Assumption that my boyfriend would heed his/her offer of sex without love and commitment

Is my anger clear now? On all levels this person has disrespected both of us and our relationship together. A relationship that, mind you, has been smooth sailing and high flying for close to a year.

In this case I again strongly enforce that it is not wrong to be angry for the right reasons. Someone disrespecting you/your partner/your relationship IS a right reason.

Yes, this person is just saying stuff on the Internet, where bullshit can be said with no consequences, yes s/he shouldn't be a threat to our relationship if we're strong enough, yes I should trust my boyfriend... but while I do all this why am I told be chill? Why can't I be angry to defend myself?

Which brings me to secondly: the dignity of such a person. How on earth do you disrespect someone else's relationship like that? How much disrespect do you have towards yourself to offer your body in exchange for such a service, with someone you don't know and don't love? You're like a cashless version of a prostitute: I don't think I missed the mark when I name you 'bitch'. There is a great deal of hate for the third party in relationships meant for two, and there is a reason why: they don't deserve any respect, because they don't have any, for themselves or for others.

Le petit ami and I discussed the possibility of the person maybe just admiring our relationship and how well I'm treated. But I'm sensitive to words. I know this person isn't coming from the point of admiration, but selfish want. The want to have someone treat him/her like that. Look, if you want a great boyfriend, firstly be the sort of person that matches up to a great person.

For context: a great boyfriend won't cheat. If you can get a boyfriend by being the third wheel (and eventually kicking out the previous girlfriend and becoming the second), what stops the boyfriend from doing the same to you? Dumping your sorry ass for another third wheel? And so obviously he's not a great boyfriend. In short, don't do this third wheel shit because karma will come back and fuck you up.

So will the previous girlfriend, she'd probably key your car and bust his tyres, just sayin'.

It all boils down to respect: respect others, and they'll respect you too.

(Ps. There has been two other confessions about how cute le petit ami is and I wholly agree with those because of the lack of malicious motives behind such confessions. I don't get angry for nothing.)

Spirals, Spirals, Never Ending Spirals

I'm starting to think that all my intense spirals of self-loathing must certainly be already common now. Every time I think I'm over this shit I fall back into the same spiral. Again.

Possibly I should explain my spirals. My spirals are always self-depreciating and hateful, though there may be a difference in reason why I fell (or was I pushed?) and the context. It doesn't matter what causes the spirals, all I know is there will be another spiral after this one.

Like a black hole that leads to another that leads to another black hole.

Constantly being told that I'm fat not by media- but by close friends and family members. Great, so now to add to my already shaky self-confidence I have to worry about being unflattering in my old clothes, new clothes, or even in a towel. I have to worry about characters I can or cannot cosplay. Because I'm fat. And that's the worst thing a girl can be. Fat.

I hate how I used to be slim and pretty. I had trouble finding clothes that fit me because they'll be too big. I never had to worry about my waistline because it was perfect. I never needed to watch what I eat because I didn't have to care. Now I eye those skinny bitches on campus with a mixture of jealousy and judgement, because of course it's not wrong to be fat, it's just society putting pressure on us.

Bullshit. Society is made up of the people with such values that has influential control over instruments of power. Like media.

I can be pro-diversity all I like, but the fact doesn't change that I want to be slimmer. I want to be able to put my hands on my waist and not be disgusted that I can feel belly fat. I want to be able to wear jeans without it being a war to pull the tough fabric over my blossoming thighs. I want to be able to wear a tank top and not worry about my arms being flabby and my tummy fat showing. I want to feel completely in love with my own body- and it's even worse that I've felt that love long before- when I was thinner.

Fuck. Fuck this shit.

Similarities

Yay double post. But I figured since the previous post was short and silly, double posting is acceptable in this case.

Recently I've been lurking around blogs. Not my own (through yes I read through them occasionally and laugh at them) but other people's. And honestly speaking there in nothing in my blog that differentiates me from all those other blogs out there. Reading through a certain someone's posts I can honestly say, to another person these two blogs would look the same, read the same, and be of the same unimportance. It leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth to say that I agree.

Many things I read, I understood. The feelings and the meanings behind the veiled words. I know because I've written the same damn things before.

This breezy vapid life
Has life ever been this hard?

In a way I am jealous because I see what I could have been in a different time, place, dimension. I see the songs I like now- and I see them appearing in the journal of another, long before my time.

I'm jealous because the experiences of another is something I can't experience... The words written are just words that are meaningless and generic but to the writer it holds a thought that hides inside. Who am I to barge in on memories of life before I knew the existence of you? Who am I to walk the younger years with you in the state of virtual suspension of time? Who am I to think anything I do now can affect you, or vice versa?

My mouth lies and denies vehemently that I'm okay and I'm fine; my mind tells me to shut up and get a hold of myself; my heart skips a beat with every paragraph I read and what I fear to see catches my eye. Yet I cannot stop, not even with unstable Internet connection, not even with assignments to do.

I don't know you at all and yet I feel a connection with you, a fellow blogger. It's possible that you may know of me- of me, that's the key word- but it's unlikely that you care enough to see this. For I am wrong and paranoid, and you're... not.

But I still don't like you, for selfish reasons.

Politicians Should Be Changed Like Diapers

This is fast becoming the dirtiest election possibly the world has ever seen.

BN really has magic in their sleeves. Do they think that throwing powder in our eyes would actually fool us? Wait. The point is they're not even trying to fool us anymore.

There is no secrecy involved anymore. BN is blatantly bringing in "extra ballot boxes" and adding them to our legit votes after a convenient black out. Even after the public protests by forming a human wall to block all vehicles from entering counting halls they manage it.

Lembah Pantai was so close to losing. Only thanks to our brave Bangsarians do we have Nurul Izzah coming out victorious. Even though in the beginning Nurul Izzah was leading by thousands in the end she won with a slim victory of 1k+. A victory is still a victory, but it was escalated to the point that tear gas was actually used against the people. And there was nothing we can do.

To get a fair win we actually have to be beat up like dogs. Of course that's what BN views the people of Malaysia as. Dogs. And cash cows.

What had looked like a clear win for the People's Coalition is now being marred by dirty low tricks of the worst kind. Thinly veiled dictatorship has caused the people to be helpless and frustrated. BN is not at all interested in the rights of the public. It is already pretty obvious that BN isn't interested in the people at all unless they are of some use to them. Their whole attitude towards the public is disrespectful, not only during the campaigning and the counting of the votes, but even before. For 56 years. The disrespect continues, and it will not stop if BN wins this election. They will think they can do everything- and for once they are right, because we are helpless against the massive corruption of this country.

It is past midnight and BN has nearly crossed the 112-wins line to form government. AGAIN. For the next 5 years we will under BN's thumb and this time they will not forget when they nearly lost. And they will never let us forget that no matter how hard we try they will not let us win.

Ini kalilah, the people chanted.

Lain kalilah, Najib smiles.

Sweat and Heat and Determination

It's GE13; the day everyone has been waiting for. Or at least, Malaysians. Weeks of hard work and incredible passion. Tonight we know the results.

In the past months since the dissolution of our government and the beginnings of the campaign we have been bombarded with flags, banners and advertisements. Even the most ignorant of people cannot possibly miss it. And it is also at this time that we see the true colors of each party - in their way of campaigning we see what they would be doing to our country.

I strongly disagree with the dirty tactics BN is using. I say dirty with no bias because they are simply just dirty.

Keep in mind that UMNO right now holds no true power under the name of the law since they are not the ruling party. Najib is no longer our Prime Minister. I could possibly write more if I took Political Science.

What I can see, however, is how BN spends too much of taxpayer's money on banners and flags to advertise themselves. Not only that but all they are is full of empty promises. "KITA JANJI", they say. We don't want your JANJIs, where is the result? BN has been in the seat of power for 56 years, fattening their personal pockets and gone delirious with power. Your power wasn't God's Allah's gift to you. Malaysians have always been afraid and oppressed by the government. We don't dare to stand up for ourselves, instead relying on the government who spoon-feeds us sugar and lies while they keep us locked up in a baby's cot.

Najib understands the impacts of the Internet. His face was across the home page of Youtube. In Google if you search for "Malaysia GE 13 campaigns" only pictures of the blue scales come up. There is not a peep from the People's Coalition. Not surprising considering how the "government" is forcing the media up against the wall. Malaysia never was a country of freedom of the press in the first place. But the one thing he did wrong was to underestimate the younger generation. He underestimated how fast social media can spread and how most of us really aren't that ignorant anymore.

I'm more angry at how these scumbags hoodwinked the rakyat with their lies and left the rakyat unable to do anything but complain. They use the country's money like it's their own, wasting it on god-awful binoculars or submarines; giving cows luxury condominiums to live in; Rosmah's ridiculously gaudy ring as well as her myriad of expensive luxury items; and the list doesn't stop there. To pull the topic back to GE13, where did UMNO get the funding for their excessive advertising? The flag wars all over the country irritate me. It's a blatant misuse of funds, a waste of resources and it's actually a hazard on the road as the flags have a habit of falling out of place onto the roads after storms. Which isn't all that uncommon in Malaysia by the way!!

This is "probably" too much.

This is too much.

They even go as far as to "threaten" the people with unrest and promises of riots if they lose. Another 5 years of such defeatist attitudes? Please.

News of UMNO supporters causing problems and even going as far as to start a brawl in Ipoh with the Pakatan Rakyat supporters was shocking enough. UMNO is now employing gangsters to do their dirty work for them as well! Well I guess we now know where the Mat Rempits are when they're not busy endangering the lives of other people.

Yet this morning as I stood in line with my sister to vote, I was empowered to see so many people show up. At such an early hour people were lining up patiently, waiting to cast their votes and create history. It was an empowering moment, to know that I was involved with the movement.

My happiness was short-lived however. The inedible ink that was supposedly used to make sure of no repeat voters washed off with a dab of dishwash liquid.

This is also reportedly because the ingredients were changed to comply as halal. In that case what was the point of the ink? Again the ridiculous billions of Ringgit put into purchasing the ink for its close to uselessness is worthy of a rant itself.

And then in the afternoon the shitstorm hit the proverbial ceiling fan. Floods of reports of Bangladeshis being chased out of voting halls into the waitings arms of the police (who ultimately let them go again) and videos of them being abused exploded throughout social media. Do Malaysians not see that they are not the ones in the wrong? They don't know any better. Even then they are still human. If we stoop so low as to abuse them, whether verbally or physically, it doesn't make us look any better.

That's not where the dirty tricks end though. In the voting itself there seems to have been some serious foul play.

How does that even happen? Does that mean all those people who woke up and lined up so early had spoiled votes? Are you kidding me? They're not even apologetic at screwing up so badly over something so simple (stamp and tear; stamp and tear) yet has exponential results on the country's future. Such is the dirty world of politics! But I'm pretty sure it only happens in Malaysia, no? The Land of the Corrupt.

There is possibly more, but I'm getting highly upset over GE13 and I don't want to wrongly accuse any party of this... We're 20 minutes away from knowing the results of our votes. Tension is thick and emotions are running high.

1Malaysia!!!!

Service Providers Provide No Service

One thing I always gripe about when I go out to eat is the compulsory service charge and government tax, because it always makes the total price ridiculously more expensive. (That's usually a 16% extra on whatever you ordered, except in some places it's an insane 20%.)

Yesterday was a perfect time to show why I gripe about the service charge. I never like giving the government my money already so the government tax is forever ignored. But service charge is another thing all together.

Many a times I wish we could do what they do in America, and leave tips. If that happens in Malaysia I can save myself a LOT on tips because some people really don't deserve my money at all. Service providers don't provide service. I don't provide their tips.

Recently my sister bought online movie tickets at TGV in Sunway, and when we went to collect it, they couldn't find her tickets. There was a lot of panic going about since the movie was about to start, so the lady at the counter went to check with her manager. It turned out that the booking was all correct... for the TGV in Ipoh. We were quite dumbfounded. Right after telling us this, the lady asked us to leave the line. She offered no more assistance in possibly getting us a seat at the Sunway TGV, or even a smile. Just quite simply a GTFO my lawn situation. In her defence I guess she wasn't really obligated to help us out, but still. It put a huge twist in our day.

Well obviously since the movie was out of the question for now we decided to go for food. It's been ages since we had Burger King (and honestly I never knew there was a BK in Sunway) so we went there.

(Picture stolen from the internet.)

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THOUGH.

Like what normal people would do, we lined up at the counter with less people. Because, you know. Less people = faster service. Logical right?

There were two people who were supposed to work at the counter and three to four other people in the kitchen. The outlet didn't seem like it was short on staff or anything. The African dude in front of me had placed his order and moved to the side to wait for it. I was basically the next person to place my order.

For some reason the cashiers moved to the back to prepare the African dude's food. Without taking my order. Or the order of the people in the other line. Basically on the screen where the workers (and us) could see placed orders, there was only ONE order.

If you guys have been to any fast food outlet (like McD or something) then you should know that the orders should be taken continuously, which would show up on the screen, and the workers in the kitchen can prepare it then send it to the counter. That's how it's supposed to work.

What happened was that there was only ONE order and like ten people lining up with no one to take their orders. The worker who was supposed to prepare the burgers had nothing to do so she was just chilling there, and the guy who made the french fries was stoning away at the oil stove, while the rest of the workers who looked like they had nothing to do were just standing at the back talking to each other. No one was at the counter to take orders, and the the fat lady who prepared the African dude's food was so bad at it she spilled the fries over the tray and had to push the fries all back into the little box. She took like two minutes doing this. Two minutes. 120 seconds. To push spilled fries back into their boxes.

Honestly speaking everyone in there was so inefficient even flipping burgers is much too hard for them. Fast food outlet? Hah, I could get faster food if an ant carried it to me.

Finally this Chinese lady came out from the back room and came (with relatively quick speed) to the counter. The other line, that is. At this point I was getting extremely frustrated already, because I was hungry and I am not a patient person. Then halfway through the order of the person at the other line she suddenly turned to me and said,

"Counter closed." and closed the register.

Just like that. She didn't even look at me. Didn't apologize for the horrid service. After I waited around 10 minutes for nothing she just closed the counter in front of my face.

I was ready to throw a fit right then and there but then decided that yelling at such people would not only be uncouth of me, but also lead to nowhere, so I grit my teeth and rage quit the place.

Like hell I'm lining up at the other counter again. Bitch please.

So we went over to have Sushi King near the ice skating rink. The service wasn't all that good either but after what happened in Burger King it was at least MUCH better.

It's really disheartening how Malaysians tolerate the ridiculous service everywhere. In restaurants, doing official paperwork, in government offices, basically everywhere... Malaysians never know what their own rights are. They are terribly ignorant towards their rights, including how they live their lives. Considering how aggressive most of them are on the roads, the rest of them are passive in everything. Like a dog that is on a leash and needs to be lead around. Ignorance is the biggest downfall of Malaysian society, not bigotry. Bigotry is downfall of Malaysian politics, and then again possibly politics worldwide, though I dare not make such a claim.

As a service provider you are supposed to provide service to the best of your ability. This means even though you had the shittiest day ever you don't show your bad mood to the customers, because no one appreciates your shittiness. ESPECIALLY if you're working as a service provider. We don't owe you anything. We don't want to deal with your moods. We are not even obligated to deal with your moods.

Service providers, however, ARE OBLIGATED TO. You provide service, you provide quality service. Smile, say thank you, and apologize when in doubt. Sure it's a shitty ass job but it's your job so suck it up and do it.

Also never forget the most important RULE #1:

The customer is always right.

And if you think the customer is wrong, there is RULE #2:

Refer back to rule #1.

because if you don't, some irate customer is going to be sick of all the bad service and blog about it. And who knows maybe that irate customer won't ever be going back to Sunway Burger King anymore.

Cosfucks: Don't Be One

I've had many a rant about this before, but since having dinner with my lovely group of cosplay friends I decided that a proper rant needed to be written without any sort of bursts of laughter like we are prone to do. (Though today I coughed more than laughed so really I couldn't talk anyway. But still a fabulously wonderful dinner.)

It's without a doubt that in the past few years Cosplay has grown tremendously as a hobby, or even as a profession. Cosplay became the stepping stone into fame and fortune. I know of stories where cosplayers became models, or idols or even fashion designers and photographers got jobs- big jobs at that. Stories like that which cause people to start taking Cosplay seriously. Gradually there were competitions with a decisive amount of cash or prizes. Cosplayers were hired for part time work because they knew how to wear a costume and pose.

Now let me first state very explicitly that I am not an old timer. In fact I am considered very new at this cosplay business, and within the community as well. I am not well-versed with cosplay idols. I don't even watch anime for the matter. I started cosplaying only last year, so in terms of experience, it's not really there.

All this here is my opinion. My observations in events and the comic fiesta forums (though I am hardly active anymore) for years before I cosplayed gave me my own ideas about what Cosplay really is. When I actually came out and cosplayed, though, I was quite surprised to see much different mindsets.

Firstly let me state that I do not want to bash anyone. I don't speak with a particular person in mind.

What I find most disheartening about cosplayers today is the people who don't understand what cosplaying is. To me it is a way of expression. In costume I am someone else, I become the character for a while. I become strong and capable. I have magic on my hands. I can do stuff I normally wouldn't be able to. Cosplay makes it all happen. What I don't like is when people Cosplay just for the sake of cosplaying.

A long time ago in the cf forums I remember someone asking why people want to Cosplay. The answers ranged from "it's fun!" to "It allows me to bring my favorite character to life!". There was passion in every cosplayer, a certain driving force behind all the work they put into their cosplays. This was what attracted me so much in Cosplay. That the community was so wholly united for one hobby. I wanted to be part of that passion.

Now when I ask people who are thinking of cosplaying WHY they want to Cosplay, it hurts me to hear things like "I want to be famous like Alodia." "Everyone is doing it." "Oh I dunno. Looks like fun." I mean, excuse me? Sure it's a fantastic hobby but it is not easy. It does not bring you instant fame. Yes Cosplay is a very glamorous hobby but that does not equal fame. The fame comes when your Cosplay is exceptional. And for your Cosplay to be exceptional, you need passion. Just like with any other hobby.

People come up to me and ask, "Where do you get your wig?" "Where do you get your costume?" "Where do you get your props done?" They think cosplay is all about the costume and a wig. As long as you get the best stuff money can buy, you're set. I'm sorry, no. For one, stop being so lazy and just do your research. Yes you know a friend who cosplays. You want to know where to start, so you ask. That's a very good thing. But please at least do some research beforehand! Do you expect me to tell you in painstaking detail all the things you need to prepare for ONE cosplay? Yeah, it's probably take me all night and a day. The worst thing is? When I ask you for your character, and you tell me you don't know the character. You only cosplay him/her because they are popular.

Let's wait a minute for that to sink in.

...Look I forgive you if you're in a group. I even forgive you if you don't watch the anime/play the game to know the character first-hand, as long as you made an effort to research on the character. But if you CHOSE a character you don't relate to and want to cosplay that character for the popularity, I'm sorry, no matter how close you are to me I am going to punch you solidly in the eye sockets.

We have a term for people who do that. It's called 'cosfucks'. That is not a good thing.

I'm not saying all cosplayers have to be brilliant. Not at all. I'm saying that if you put effort to understand the character you're cosplaying, it's fine. Cosplaying is less about the costume and more about the character. It's "costume role-play". YOU ARE NOW THE CHARACTER. People look at you and say, "Oh look it's Sasuke!" People don't see YOU. People see the character. THAT is the true essence of cosplay.

Imagine if you saw a favorite character of yours at a convention. Take, for example, Naruto. Everyone knows Naruto. If you saw Naruto, you'd want to go up and talk to him. You think of him as Naruto, you expect him to turn around and give you a Naruto shit-eating grin, maybe talk about ramen, and then take pictures with a peace sign, because that's what Naruto does. If Naruto turns around and he's all broody and mean like Sasuke you'll be like WAT. NARUTO R U OK?

That is exactly what happens WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR CHARACTER I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

Please, people. Please just AT LEAST DO YOUR RESEARCH. I AM CRY AT PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THEIR OWN CHARACTERS. HOWWWWW. IT'S LIKE WALKING INTO AN ENGLISH EXAM TO DO MATH QUESTIONS YOU JUST DON'T.

I would rather people start with a character they absolutely love to pieces, rather than an over-done popular character they don't care two cents about. Because sometimes it really is the passion that makes the difference.

Sleepless Night. Again.

Just what I need. A good dose of drama before Animax Carnival. It's a good thing I'll be dead tomorrow to fit being dead and all.

Haha.

I don't fucking know how to deal with this. I follow my will and get scolded, I don't follow my will and get told off, I do nothing and get kicked around.

Guys. GUYS. PLEASE. JUST STOP.

It's good to know that you know I'm not who I seem to be, in all honestly it relieves me somewhat because finally I understand all the accusations and sharp poisoned words. Then I am obliged to get angry because that's how you think of me: as if I'm low and shallow and falling. As if I need saving.

I could possibly be falling and not even know it.

I am torn. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Out of the fire and into the frying pan. A pinch of pepper in a mouth of chili. It's not like I don't trust and respect you. I do. But sometimes I want to walk my own ways, not the way you show me. Sure it'll be difficult and I'll probably fall and scrape my knees. But is that not how you find the most beautiful of things? That is because they're not found by the roadside?

Opposing arguments and never a neutral compromise. I don't like this any more than you do.

My Laptop is Bigger on the Inside

I've got my earphones in and no music playing. Previously I was listening to Scouting for Girls but I paused it because I cannot focus on anything else.

Bean is hiding behind my internet browser windows, the document unsaved and untitled. I'm half way through it, I've lost track of what to write. Skype is in the foreground, one name staring blankly back at me. Later when the little sign turns green I will hover my mouse over it and be even more distracted than ever.

Pulp Fiction is frozen in the second desktop. Someone has just killed someone and it's a blurry stagnation of plot twists and actors pretending to act pretending to play a part. Sometimes movies are messed up, sometimes I think that this is life.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. There is a window on a wikipedia article about pre-Socrates philosophers. On Thursday I will choose one of them, dress up in a toga, and put on an exaggerated accent for the amusement of the class. I suppose I'll enjoy it.

Stress has been getting to me. Not even le petit ami can help me with this. Sometimes I don't know why I stress out so much; other times I want to drop everything and walk out on life.

But we only have one try and that's like quitting in the middle of a game and then you never get to know the ending.

Like KH:3D, which I haven't even finished.

Hello.

So... Fourth sem huh.

My holidays have come and gone. My blog is filled with half finished drafts. I had planned to write about third sem, then I had planned to write about Comic Fiesta, about the new friends I made, about le Petit Ami... And now I don't really think I can write about those things anymore. Fourth semester looms ahead of me like a swarm of wasps.

How odd a simile.

I'm only taking three subjects this semester. Philosophy, which I'm really looking forward to; Biology, which I think I can handle okay; Public Relations, which I'm quite neutral on. Even though it sounds easy I have a feeling it's not really going to be all sunshine and rainbows- for one I don't want to face disappoint during every test when I get my results back. Sigh.

Parents think I've got a really relaxed timetable. Well- that may seem so, sure. But to balance trying to get relatively good grades and my social life (which they agree together that I am spending too much time on) as well as le petit ami is starting to take a toll on me... The dark circles I told myself I would get rid of during the semester break is still here. I suppose they will be staying.

Just got back from Haruki's birthday party... where a bunch of cosplayers were invited. And obviously when cosplayers are given a chance to go nuts they do. And when they do... well I can't keep up. Feeling inconsequential just standing in the corner when people all know each other. I'm not saying I like to always be in the limelight... No wait yeah I like attention. Dammit. There goes my self piteous claims.

Slowly I'm starting to realize that I'm really not that great... Either that or I'm starting this insane spiral of self hating again. I thought I was over this ughhhh. Often I wonder how le petit ami puts up with me, what with mood swings and nonsensical bullshit all over the place. And yet that guy is patient as ever and considerate and loving and I just feel like I don't love him enough agdsajflkdshgldksafhagldksjf what is this agdsjflask I will come back in the morning and probably cry at myself wtf is going on hormones

But honestly... how can such a perfect guy exist... He's good at everything he does, even when he doesn't seem to show competence in it... People naturally just like him and like being around him... He's so giving and asks nothing in return...

Then I look at myself and see flaws everywhere and get depressed and think bad thoughts. And I know I can't compare, but I still pretend like I can.

What is this oh god it's like a mixture of teenager hormones and creative writing.

ahglksajf UGHHHHHHHH

Hooligans in the Park

It is sad how people these days can't seem to sit back and enjoy life as it comes by. Maybe they think that's for pussies, or that there's no point in being "lazy" and doing nothing. Why must everything be in a rush? Why must you do everything with a frown on your face? Why must everything be so serious?

When was the last time you called someone special and spent the whole day together doing absolutely nothing in particular?

Le petit ami and I were hanging about Kiara Hill one afternoon, and just talking. It was great being able to talk endlessly about everything and anything. Just feeling content and happy. SEE IT IS GREAT TO HAVE A BEST FRIEND BOYFRIEND JUST SAYING OKAY.

We sat on the pavement after we finished a round mostly cuz I was tired. Conversation didn't stop though... Until some guy came up to us and told us unkindly to shut up because we were talking too loud and bothering people and that they were laughing at us since we were at a public place. Apparently you can't talk in Kiara Hill, because it's improper. Then he left with the air of someone who had 'set things right'. Like those ridiculously religious people who tells people that gays are unnatural and should change to being heterosexual instead. Because it is 'proper'.

I felt really bummed after that; what was a perfectly awesome afternoon jarred me uncomfortably from my rooted sense of contentment and bliss. How tragic.

Imagine if I was with my mother and talking animatedly. Would we have been interrupted? What if a pair of male best friends just hung out and talked about football and shoved each other around like proper bros do; would they have been asked to be quiet for being too noisy? Why is it always the couples that get the short end of the stick- that people tend to frown upon or disagree or turn away in contempt. We're still perfectly capable social beings y'know. Just because we're stupidly in love doesn't mean we're completely in another world. Neither does it mean that we're going to take this negative shit from you.

Love used to be so much more hopeful. Now it's just something that's dragged through mud and thrown across the street.

I have no idea whether that man genuinely thought it was his duty to tell us to shut up, or that he was in a bad mood, or that he felt it was inappropriate for us to act like we were- or that we really were being inappropriate- but I think I could have lived with not knowing the fact that we bothered other people.

Perhaps I'm just thinking too much about this; perhaps it was a lesson to be learned... But it's itching at the back of my mind. And questions are floating up again.

Then again I usually take advice from the fates.

Either way I suppose this would be the appropriate place to remind myself

DEAL WITH IT.GIF

Something about these few days just make me want to repeatedly punch something (rather, more specifically someone), and then the short conversation I had with a certain honored family member just broke what little control I had over my pent-up rage.

What the fuck do you mean the words you said, in that tone, to my face?

My family is not only racist, but biased as well. What they don't know, they reject. I envy those other people in relationships where the two families actually know each other and are at least on cordial terms with each other.

Mom, Dad. YOU'VE NEVER EVEN MET THE GUY ON WHAT GROUNDS ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU KNOW HIM.

It is absolutely infuriating when they make assumptions based on- wait for it- his parents. For god's sake you guys have never even met his parents. The only thing you guys know is their ethnicity, which doesn't at all tell you ANYTHING about their person. It's like saying that you must be a greedy gold digger because you're Chinese. Is that fair? No? Do you care? THEN WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT. So how on earth can you, from the assumption of his parent's ethnicity, bring that forward to his personality/character/general behavior. Have you even met him. Have you even tried to talk to him with an open mind that is not blocked by whatever bias you have in that empty skull? Is that not the point of the self-fulfilling prophecy, that you are seeing only the worst because you expect the worst.

I'm not stupid. At least I'm not as stupid as either of you when it comes to relationships, and I know for sure that you two are fucked up in the head, messed up in the heart, and completely paranoid. All I want was acceptance. To allow me to make my own damn decisions, to believe that I have made the right decision, to understand that I have thought, long and hard and over a period of three fucking months about everything I could possibly try to weigh the pros and cons of, to please, for the love of Jesus fucking Christ, leave me be to live my life because I am already 18, and I'm not even the ignorant sort of 18, so STOP MAKING MY DECISIONS FOR ME.

I do not appreciate it when you tell me that I shouldn't be hanging out with my friends, or that I should stop joining TAS, that I should probably not be "too attached to anyone", all based on very weak arguments- based on stereotypes and assumptions- and then tacked on with the infuriating, "We're older and more experienced than you, so we know better. Also you should listen to us because we're your parents."

In what world is that proper valid argument.

If there is any problems with what you guys think I'm doing with my life, sure. Come and tell it to me. Maybe we can sit down and talk about it over coffee. Maybe we can have a proper discussion and I can try to make you guys see it from my point of view and I will attempt to understand your fears. But is that ever happening? Do you think it's possible? You guys have lived your whole lives in ignorance about the most important aspects of human interaction. But guess what? I'm living my life, not yours. And my outcome will be nothing like yours.