The Worst Thing About Growing Up

You see, I realize now that when my mom told me to not grow up so early, she was right. As she is with many many things.

Growing up isn't just necessarily "I'll do what I want" or "I'll make the decisions" or "It's my life" (guilty as charged). It's what comes after that, when things don't look so good and you chew on the short end of the stick muttering regrets. Mistakes happen, yes. But growing up means taking the bull by the horns and blaming no one but yourself.

I could name so many things to blame: the system, the people, the paperwork. Yet I can't, not really, only reluctantly. The only thing I can do is sigh and hope for the best. Ultimately I was the one who made the decision. Was it a good decision? No. Was it a bad decision? Probably. Should I have thought about it a lot more? Yes, but I understand at that particular moment in time I was desperate. It still isn't an excuse though, so I'll have to pay for that.

Taking responsibility for yourself is a hard course of action that isn't popular with anyone, but it is one we must take. Suffice to say, this time around I have truly learnt "I'll make the decisions" and won't ever make decisions influenced by others.

Stay In My Room... Forever.

Back in Malaysia I wouldn't have understood why people choose to stay in their rooms all the time- things I read on Tumblr, I couldn't relate to. For me, I needed to be with people, with friends.

I now know why. I can relate; I am very much hoping to stay in my room forever- at least I feel that way right now. I don't know where to go; I don't know who to call; I don't know what to say, what to think, what to...

Perhaps I'm still trying to recover from walking San Francisco for the whole day... I'm unsure. But right now I am simply wishing to be alone; or at least with comfortable company...

Being on edge is taking a toll on me; I dread people, I dread interaction- this may be the introverted side of me coming out in full form in this highly extroverted culture; but I simply don't want to do anything.

I'm hoping next week changes some things. Perhaps I can meet some new people, join some clubs, see new stuff, expose myself a little more.

I'm not very hopeful right now, but I'm not completely frustrated.

I just wish you were here.

In Limbo

I've been putting off going to America for much too long, and it frustrates me.

On one hand I'm so reluctant to leave my home, my friends, my life here in Malaysia... On the other I'm so excited, so desperate to want to explore and be amazed.

I've met some problems with my application, which set me back another half a year. And in this free time when I step out a little to experience with my internship, I realize I'm not young enough to hide behind a silly reason for not being useful or responsible anymore.

I'm 20 years old with nothing to my name, with plans long-discarded or abandoned.

The same friends who used to look to me enviously because I'm granted the gift to study abroad have already experienced their first years in another country, being scared and overcoming their fears. They've grown up, matured somewhat, and gained a fraction of independence.

At the same time I sit at home and scroll the depths of the interwebs, aching for such a day.

I know it won't be easy- then again nothing ever is, and an object at rest stays at rest- but do I ever want to be part of the buzzing, vigorous life. Creating magic and filling the world with saturated youth and blind optimism because I can, because I want to, because I believe so.

I want to go out and explore, fly away and find new things, open my eyes to controversy, think scandalous thoughts and write about things that inspire, disgust, interest, horrify me all with enthusiasm only the young can generate.

Except I don't want to end when I'm not-young, I want to end when I'm not-remembered (which implies that I will not die in traditional silly means like body decay) and when no one knows my name anymore.

Of course all this is nothing but wishful thinking, because we all think we can change the world.

Now I just need to get up and do something about it.

Sprucing Up Old Things

I need to update I know, but I've been stuck on the post-GE13 post for much too long so I figured I might as well take a break and write about something else.

Since I've been hit with the craving to make some stuff ever since going for the Pipit Zakka exhibition, which has been hugely inspiring, I got around to buying a whole lot of wrapping paper to make my own notebook.

Okay that sounded much too impressive. I simply found an old notebook I had which was lying around, forgotten, in a drawer and spruced it up a bit.

Yay for blue themes!

The front cover.

The inside of the front cover.

The back cover.

The inside of the back cover.

The front cover at a long glance.

Since I was unprepared and silly, I didn't take before and after pictures... And even until now I don't take before + after pictures. I suppose I'm not really one to stop halfway and take pictures LOLOLOL

It's my first attempt at redecorating a notebook and I honestly can say I think I did pretty well! Hahaha! What tested my patience was trying to cut the square holes for the rings... with a blunt paper cutter. (After many distressing rips in the paper I ditched the blunt paper cutter and bought a new one.) I'm sure if I wasn't so excited making it I would've just lolnopedon'tcare.jpg and simply poked holes.

I was lucky to have the shell-star lying around. It was previously a necklace my mom bought for me, which I adored... Until the string broke one day and I couldn't fix it. So I kept the pretty shell pendant and luckily I didn't throw it away! Just to make it clear, I am not a hoarder!

....Except maybe I have a slight tendency to keep all sorts of things.

The blue ribbon was actually a very old strip of ribbon that was from the dark corners of my drawer. Basically I don't where it came from. But it works and I'm just glad it does.

In a way, fixing up this notebook also spawed a very very very very very deeply hidden organization urge. I managed to dig out all the bits and pieces of ribbons I had kept throughout the years and kept them in a small bag to make it accessible - and easily distinguished for future projects! :D And the organizing didn't stop at ribbons - my buttons, my colored pens, my glitter glues all have a proper space to themselves. At least they're not lying haphazardly everywhere. >_> (My room is rather neater now, even I am amazed at the change.)

At the end I suppose I have to thank my sister for bringing me into the whole hand-made craft world... It has opened my eyes a great deal. To the extent that when I go out now I think to myself, 'Hey, I don't need to buy this; I can make it.' as though I am gifted with the talent to do so.

But hey, it looks pretty good for a first attempt. And at least now I know how to gift people personalized notebooks without actually having to fork out a whole lot of dough! xD