29 and Long Distance

Before 2012, I honestly never imagined that I would find someone to fall in love with. I was apathetic and cynical about love, because I simply didn't believe in it. I scoffed at things like "true love" and "unconditional love" because to me, a relationship was about politics and carefully calculated chess moves.

I am so happy to tell the world that I was wrong. It's without a doubt that I've found the most wonderful person to join me on my life's journey, someone to hold hands with through the worst days and the best days, someone to tell me the things I need to hear as well as the things I don't want to hear, someone to put a smile on my face regardless of bad tidings or good.

I've found someone who planned his life to mine, who waited for months away from me while slowly reaching towards our goal, who supports me all the way. He shoulders the weight of responsibility quietly, always two steps ahead of me.

I don't want to lie. Long distance relationships aren't easy. It's so fucking hard. We always miss each other (in both ways), and our texts get replied hours late. Someone ends up losing sleep (usually him, even though I insist he shouldn't). We run out of things to say, sometimes, because our worlds are so different now. We exhaust the usual jokes and reminisces, our "do you remembers" because we haven't made a new "do you remember" in so long. Our excitement for gifts and parcels fizzle out because it's been forever and asking "did you get it?" every 18 hours doesn't make the parcel magically appear. Sometimes, I admit, I nearly forget the sound of his voice because we haven't spoken in so long. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we go to sleep crying separately, sometimes we say things we don't mean. Sometimes we feel like it's the end of the road, where do we go from here, and sometimes we just say nothing at all.

But most times we try our hardest. Most times we laugh over stupid YouTube videos, or play a campaign (or three) of Left 4 Dead 2, or watch a movie together. Most times we update each other on things we eat and things we do. Most times I remind him there's only a couple more weeks left before I come home. Most times we spend hours telling each other in detail about why we love each other. Most times we talk about anything and everything. Most times we have no cloud in our future together.

We've missed our second anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Yet I'm still so ridiculously happy that for the past two years we could properly celebrate these special days that I never used to celebrate. I never bothered, I never cared. Now I do, only because it means I get to spend time with him and look back on our journey.

For the days that don't require looking back though... We look forward. Because we're so young, and the world still has so much potential, and regardless of where life takes us we'll travel together.

Because I'm your tsuma, and you're my otto ♥︎ Happy 29th monthsary love! I miss you lots!!

Positive Start, and Onwards...

So I just want to say that I have a job now. A steady, entry-level job that will get me by when I feel like eating out and things like that.

It's a strange idea to get used to. It's another responsibility added to my plate. This year I've just been piling my plate like I'm at a buffet, assuring myself that "I'm fine, I can still eat." I wonder if I know when I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Days are dragging by slowly. Torturously, even. It's probably because I've filled my schedule but also spaced out my time (good time management, see) so I always have breathing room but all the breathing room is just making me check my phone every 20 minutes because why won't the days go by faster.

It's Valentine's Day, and when everyone else is celebrating, people in long distance relationships have it even worse than people who shout about being forever alone. It's so much worse when you actually do have someone... but you just can't be together.

Regardless, I honestly thought I would enjoy my four day weekend more... yet these past days I've just been stressing about a research essay and homework assignment that I simply don't have the motivation to do. I want to do it. And I don't want to either.

In one blog post I've ranted about responsibilities, long distance relationships, and procrastination. Hey, at least I'm doing something.

I'm just so impatient right now. The stupid weather is being hot and cold, and I'm coughing my lungs out, and I just really want to wear shorts again.

I'm going to die in the heat and humidity when I go back to Malaysia in the summer.

...And Before January Ends

I have a very good feeling about 2015. This semester I'm in a brand new environment with a brand new outlook.

One of the greatest change this year is that I've gotten a lot more organized. I've got files for each of my classes, I've got a sweet little planner that's filling up surprisingly quickly, and I've got a countdown timer to spur me on. Strangely enough, all these little things do indeed seem to make this year leap with positivity.

Last year, I was unmotivated and under achieving. My apathy stemmed to all parts of my life. This year... In this one month of 2015 I've stopped horsing around and actually got shit done. In fact, I've gotten so much shit down so efficiently I'm a little amazed at myself. Of course, it's only been a week of school, but I already feel so much more comfortable. My schedules are workable and efficient, and I'm so glad about that. I wish I had invested in planners sooner, but oh, what can one do but not look back in anger (brownie points for whoever caught that song reference.)

Most of the credit I give to my friends; they were the ones who bring me places and discuss ideas (over food), they accompany me to buy things I need (planner and files haha) and they generally just made my life so much easier. Honestly I'm so glad I found a group of such wonderful people so quickly. It's my good fortune to be friends with them.

I guess right now the only thing I wish I could improve is cooking. I've gotten so tired of cooking things for one person that I'm eating a whole lot more instant noodles than I should. (This has, fortunately, not shown on my bikini body... yet.) Of course, I can always make extra stuff and eat leftovers throughout the week, but le petit ami does not allow it- and I have to agree, somehow leftovers and me just don't mix very well. What I'm excited about is when it gets warmer, and I can bring cold pasta salads or sandwiches for lunch that won't be an absolute mess by the time it gets there.

Boo to cold foggy winter weather.

In terms of classes, I think I'll be able to handle them without too much of a problem. Perhaps in the middle of the semester I'll cry myself to sleep swamped under piles of studying and assignments, but I'm hopeful that if I plan my time right I can avoid that.

Truthfully, my motivation comes from the appeal of summer break. I finally get to go home! I can't wait to see my loved ones... and of course this must be paired with ten courses of good ol' Malaysian food! I'm counting down the literal days before I can see this on my way home again. Home!

Teespring Review and Too Many Selfies

Recently I bought a hoodie from Teespring because it showed up on my Facebook ads (see, advertising). Honestly I wasn't expecting anything much (I spent a couple hours Googling if it was a scam) from the hoodie other than the design being so irresistible that I took a chance at it. I'm so glad I did.

Teespring works like those Kickstarter projects; they require a minimum number of orders to start printing the design. When I bought my design they had already reached their goal, but I still had to wait around two weeks for them to close the offer. (November 8th was the deadline.)

They sent me an email right after to confirm my order. It was also a nice touch to be able to track the progress of the shirts, I remember spamming it constantly as the deadline drew nearer because I was impatient.

They send you another email when the orders close as well, telling you an estimated delivery time. 

I was so excited! I told anyone who would listen about this ridiculously amazing hoodie I was getting because I'm a sucker for nerdy fandom things.

Another email saying that my order was being shipped. 

I got the email on November 14th, a Friday. I had expected the shirt to arrive the next week, since it was close to the weekend after all. Still, I was an impatient little bugger and tracked it the next day.

At first I was confused when the packaged said "delivered". Was there a mix up in tracking numbers? It couldn't have arrived so soon, could it...?

Lo and behold, it had. I had gotten my hoodie nearly a full week before it was supposed to. Was I incredibly happy? Yes. Was I also impressed? Yes.

Not nearly as much as when I opened the package, however. The hoodie, it turned out, was in hella good condition. It was freaking perfection. The material was thick and warm, the size was exactly right in all the right places, and most importantly, the printing was wonderful. It's not cheap thin print, it was textured white print that stood out in the most amazing way. I am a sucker for texture. I loved it so much.

A couple of different shots to capture the texture and material.

Wonderful lining for the front pocket.

The hoodie could probably have been worn right out from the package (there was no heavy chemical smell) but I was too much of a mommy's girl to not give it a quick wash beforehand. Washing instructions on the tag were clear, and the color never ran. Lovely.

Paired with colored pants, it sure does make a statement.

I love the collar the hoodie gives when it's down. It doesn't clump 

around the neck, but falls neatly to the side with some stiffness.

The hoodie looks good with the hood up as well. Some hoodies have 

too small a hood to actually be functional, I've noticed.

With the hood down.

Verdict: I love this hoodie. Material and design. I'd give it a 11/10 if I could.

On Teespring: it's my first time buying from Teespring, but I was seriously impressed with everything so far. Easy, pretty, and efficient. I'd recommend Teespring to anyone who's wondering if it's legit. I'd buy again if there were any new amazing designs I just had to have.

Japanese Omurice!

It's been a while. I'm starting to have fun here with friend I didn't think I would meet, but here I am. The past weeks have been great so far. I've been doing things I truly enjoy doing. Drawing, on an iPad with a stylus, is surprisingly not as terrible as I would think it would be.

Unfortunately the things I've been cooking recently all sort of suck, regardless of recipe or not. Maybe it's because I'm not really putting effort into cooking anymore. It's cold, all I want is hot stew and hot chocolate. Haha!

Anyway I tried making Japanese omurice for lunch today. It's basically ketchup fried rice wrapped in egg. Here's what I used.

I love my floral themed knife and cutting board. Go Daiso! Woot!

(That's milk in the eggs by the way. To make it fluffier.)

Here's what I got.

I tried my best? Haha. It's quite good, actually. The rice just needs to be cooked more. It's a tad too sticky. Having onions and corn is a good touch, because the little bit of crunch brings a more interesting texture to the dish. It's a relatively quick and brainless meal, so it's good for those lazy days. That being said, I really want to learn to make chawanmushi! It's near impossible to find chawanmushi here!

Surimi-stuffed Baked Mushroom with Colby-Jack Cheese

Since I picked up a whole lot of surimi (imitation crab meat) at Safeway (the Malaysian in me couldn't resist the 3 for $5 deal) I had to go look for recipes to see what to do with it all. I found one that included mushrooms, and so I decided to give it a try. I changed much of the recipe (especially the amounts) and used what was available to me. Instead of adding the cheese directly into the stuffing, I draped it across the top simply so that it looks better.

Ingredients:

Mushrooms, stems removed (8 ounces)
Surimi, shredded (4 ounces)
Cream cheese, softened (4 ounces)
Colby-Jack cheese, sliced (4 ounces to be on the safe side)

Seasoning: (this is what I took liberty with; feel free to add anything you like, as much or as little as you want. I'm listing all the options for different flavors.)

Sesame oil (for that extra oomph)
Garlic powder
Pepper
Chili powder

Steps:

First, remove the stems of the mushrooms. This is surprisingly easy to do, just bend them a little and they will break off cleanly. (Make sure you wash them first!)

You should pre-heat the oven to 350F now.

Next, combine the cream cheese, shredded surimi, and seasoning in a bowl and mix thoroughly. Then stuff the mushrooms! Try to pack it tightly so that it doesn't topple over.

After that, drape the cheese slices over it. make sure it coves nicely. If you're more of a cheese person you could add extra layers of cheese on the top as they melt pretty thinly.

Put it into the PRE-HEATED oven and bake for about 10 minutes.

You should get something like this.

Through the middle.

Verdict: This is best eaten fresh out of the oven. It's tender and juicy. It's savory and delicious. The flavor is released into your mouth as you bite down on the mushroom. I'd recommend this as an appetizer or side-dish, or even finger food for parties. Not quite a meal on its own. I'm glad I made it though, it's an interesting snack that I would never have thought about combining.

Things Don't Make Sense

The thing with depression is that you never realize you're getting there until you're in it. It's never an overnight turn of events (though that may be the trigger) but it's that moment when your brain is screaming at you with white noise at 3am in the morning and tears are streaming down your face and breathing becomes a problem that you hit the brakes and think to yourself, "Oh god, I'm in depression."

Of course that may be just me.

No one ever likes talking about depression because it's not a fun topic. No one would expect me to have depression either, because I'm not exactly unfamiliar with unicorns and rainbows and preppy bright colors. I wouldn't have thought I'd ever be here again. I thought depression was just something that you can get over once and build an immunity to, like chickenpox.

There is nothing strong about being in depression. People might discuss this whole concept in a classroom or in a group and someone might say, "Oh, you must be so strong to have gone through depression." It's nothing to be proud of. It's not a shining success to put on your resumé. It wasn't a conscious effort to cry myself to sleep and wake up before the sky grows light and throw on some clothes to go for classes in the cold. It was just routine. It allowed my mind to be on autopilot. It allowed myself to grab the cup of coffee and chug it so I can pretend that the migraine spreading through my skull was a side effect of the coffee, not the crushing stress of being a fuck-up.

In the same way that a homosexual may say, "I may not want to fuck that person, but I can still tell that the person is attractive.", I can still decide that today is a beautiful cool fall day, with the warm sun shining through the sparse clouds and the chilly wind calmly blowing into my hair to give it that attractive bouncy air. This does not mean that suddenly my life is all glitter and happiness and everything-in-the-world-is-right.

Often I wonder if I'm just too weak to make it, or if the world is cruel and we all living like this. If I am weak, then what will be the end of me? If the world is cruel, then what will be the end of us?

I find no reason to hide my depression now, possibly because I'm under the delusion that I'm so far away nothing will hurt me (though was that not one of the reasons why I'm here) and possibly because even American air smells of LIBERTY LIBERTY I DO WHAT I WANT I AM NOT SORRY FOR IT. The constant upkeep of my moods are rendered useless when I never see the people who even matter to me. I have no need to pretend to be keeping myself together when I don't even know where to begin. To my family and friends who see this, please don't worry yourself unnecessarily for me. I appreciate it, but I don't want it.