Do You Resent Me?

What was a sign of affection

Turned into a sign of sin

And impure thoughts and dirty dreams

Simple love

The stuff of fairy tales

Grotesque disgust

The stuff of sleepless nights



When you spend your days untrusting

And your nights angry

How can you expect the carefree love

Of a tender young girl

To fall into your lap?



When you look around and see

That no one sleeps by your side

Do you cry or do you sigh?



When you look into my eyes

And see that I don't cry

(Not anymore, not like you did)

Do you resent me?

Infinite Loops

Again and again I ask the same questions, again and again I never get an answer. What is wrong and what is right?

Who do I listen to, why should I listen? What would listening mean to me?

Decisions. Opinions.

There never really is a right and wrong path. They are both paths, though one may lead you to pleasant living and the other, living hell.

Some people like to take the safe path, some people like the worn path. Others run into the field and get eaten by lions.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is a solution. Go up. Or down under.

Tired and sad







And lonely.

My Laptop is Bigger on the Inside

I've got my earphones in and no music playing. Previously I was listening to Scouting for Girls but I paused it because I cannot focus on anything else.

Bean is hiding behind my internet browser windows, the document unsaved and untitled. I'm half way through it, I've lost track of what to write. Skype is in the foreground, one name staring blankly back at me. Later when the little sign turns green I will hover my mouse over it and be even more distracted than ever.

Pulp Fiction is frozen in the second desktop. Someone has just killed someone and it's a blurry stagnation of plot twists and actors pretending to act pretending to play a part. Sometimes movies are messed up, sometimes I think that this is life.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. There is a window on a wikipedia article about pre-Socrates philosophers. On Thursday I will choose one of them, dress up in a toga, and put on an exaggerated accent for the amusement of the class. I suppose I'll enjoy it.

Stress has been getting to me. Not even le petit ami can help me with this. Sometimes I don't know why I stress out so much; other times I want to drop everything and walk out on life.

But we only have one try and that's like quitting in the middle of a game and then you never get to know the ending.

Like KH:3D, which I haven't even finished.

Hello.

So... Fourth sem huh.

My holidays have come and gone. My blog is filled with half finished drafts. I had planned to write about third sem, then I had planned to write about Comic Fiesta, about the new friends I made, about le Petit Ami... And now I don't really think I can write about those things anymore. Fourth semester looms ahead of me like a swarm of wasps.

How odd a simile.

I'm only taking three subjects this semester. Philosophy, which I'm really looking forward to; Biology, which I think I can handle okay; Public Relations, which I'm quite neutral on. Even though it sounds easy I have a feeling it's not really going to be all sunshine and rainbows- for one I don't want to face disappoint during every test when I get my results back. Sigh.

Parents think I've got a really relaxed timetable. Well- that may seem so, sure. But to balance trying to get relatively good grades and my social life (which they agree together that I am spending too much time on) as well as le petit ami is starting to take a toll on me... The dark circles I told myself I would get rid of during the semester break is still here. I suppose they will be staying.

Just got back from Haruki's birthday party... where a bunch of cosplayers were invited. And obviously when cosplayers are given a chance to go nuts they do. And when they do... well I can't keep up. Feeling inconsequential just standing in the corner when people all know each other. I'm not saying I like to always be in the limelight... No wait yeah I like attention. Dammit. There goes my self piteous claims.

Slowly I'm starting to realize that I'm really not that great... Either that or I'm starting this insane spiral of self hating again. I thought I was over this ughhhh. Often I wonder how le petit ami puts up with me, what with mood swings and nonsensical bullshit all over the place. And yet that guy is patient as ever and considerate and loving and I just feel like I don't love him enough agdsajflkdshgldksafhagldksjf what is this agdsjflask I will come back in the morning and probably cry at myself wtf is going on hormones

But honestly... how can such a perfect guy exist... He's good at everything he does, even when he doesn't seem to show competence in it... People naturally just like him and like being around him... He's so giving and asks nothing in return...

Then I look at myself and see flaws everywhere and get depressed and think bad thoughts. And I know I can't compare, but I still pretend like I can.

What is this oh god it's like a mixture of teenager hormones and creative writing.

ahglksajf UGHHHHHHHH

Hooligans in the Park

It is sad how people these days can't seem to sit back and enjoy life as it comes by. Maybe they think that's for pussies, or that there's no point in being "lazy" and doing nothing. Why must everything be in a rush? Why must you do everything with a frown on your face? Why must everything be so serious?

When was the last time you called someone special and spent the whole day together doing absolutely nothing in particular?

Le petit ami and I were hanging about Kiara Hill one afternoon, and just talking. It was great being able to talk endlessly about everything and anything. Just feeling content and happy. SEE IT IS GREAT TO HAVE A BEST FRIEND BOYFRIEND JUST SAYING OKAY.

We sat on the pavement after we finished a round mostly cuz I was tired. Conversation didn't stop though... Until some guy came up to us and told us unkindly to shut up because we were talking too loud and bothering people and that they were laughing at us since we were at a public place. Apparently you can't talk in Kiara Hill, because it's improper. Then he left with the air of someone who had 'set things right'. Like those ridiculously religious people who tells people that gays are unnatural and should change to being heterosexual instead. Because it is 'proper'.

I felt really bummed after that; what was a perfectly awesome afternoon jarred me uncomfortably from my rooted sense of contentment and bliss. How tragic.

Imagine if I was with my mother and talking animatedly. Would we have been interrupted? What if a pair of male best friends just hung out and talked about football and shoved each other around like proper bros do; would they have been asked to be quiet for being too noisy? Why is it always the couples that get the short end of the stick- that people tend to frown upon or disagree or turn away in contempt. We're still perfectly capable social beings y'know. Just because we're stupidly in love doesn't mean we're completely in another world. Neither does it mean that we're going to take this negative shit from you.

Love used to be so much more hopeful. Now it's just something that's dragged through mud and thrown across the street.

I have no idea whether that man genuinely thought it was his duty to tell us to shut up, or that he was in a bad mood, or that he felt it was inappropriate for us to act like we were- or that we really were being inappropriate- but I think I could have lived with not knowing the fact that we bothered other people.

Perhaps I'm just thinking too much about this; perhaps it was a lesson to be learned... But it's itching at the back of my mind. And questions are floating up again.

Then again I usually take advice from the fates.

Either way I suppose this would be the appropriate place to remind myself

End of 2012... Not the World

A friend I quite admire once told me he sits down to write everyday regardless of how bad his writing is. He told me to write at least 200 words each day to keep up my writing habit. Obviously I hadn't. If I had, I would have a lot more blog posts by now.

I can't believe 2012 is coming to an end. Has it been a year already? Sometimes I think that 2012 was forever, then I look back say that time pushes me forward too fast. (And most of the times I wish I could control time like in Final Fantasy.)

It's astonishing how much one can change in a year. If a year ago someone had whispered in my ears all the things I do today I would probably sock that person in the face and call liar. Then again I'm not pretending to say that I didn't want change, that I wasn't looking forward to a breath of fresh air.

Haha, I kid.

I don't know where this post is going. I don't know how I feel. Apprehensive about the new year, maybe. Sad about leaving the old. Promises made and secrets shared, can I keep them for another 365 days? That I may, at the end of 2013, whisper them to myself about the wonderful things of another dreamy year?

I hope so. I dearly hope so.

I don't think I need to list out the changes in 2012... Nor the things I hope to complete in 2013. After all it's not the beginning nor the end that's important, though people naturally focus on it more. It's the journey that counts. It's the adventures you embark on with comrades that make the times forever memorable.

The fireworks are starting. Happy new year, all!