Spirals, Spirals, Never Ending Spirals

I'm starting to think that all my intense spirals of self-loathing must certainly be already common now. Every time I think I'm over this shit I fall back into the same spiral. Again.

Possibly I should explain my spirals. My spirals are always self-depreciating and hateful, though there may be a difference in reason why I fell (or was I pushed?) and the context. It doesn't matter what causes the spirals, all I know is there will be another spiral after this one.

Like a black hole that leads to another that leads to another black hole.

Constantly being told that I'm fat not by media- but by close friends and family members. Great, so now to add to my already shaky self-confidence I have to worry about being unflattering in my old clothes, new clothes, or even in a towel. I have to worry about characters I can or cannot cosplay. Because I'm fat. And that's the worst thing a girl can be. Fat.

I hate how I used to be slim and pretty. I had trouble finding clothes that fit me because they'll be too big. I never had to worry about my waistline because it was perfect. I never needed to watch what I eat because I didn't have to care. Now I eye those skinny bitches on campus with a mixture of jealousy and judgement, because of course it's not wrong to be fat, it's just society putting pressure on us.

Bullshit. Society is made up of the people with such values that has influential control over instruments of power. Like media.

I can be pro-diversity all I like, but the fact doesn't change that I want to be slimmer. I want to be able to put my hands on my waist and not be disgusted that I can feel belly fat. I want to be able to wear jeans without it being a war to pull the tough fabric over my blossoming thighs. I want to be able to wear a tank top and not worry about my arms being flabby and my tummy fat showing. I want to feel completely in love with my own body- and it's even worse that I've felt that love long before- when I was thinner.

Fuck. Fuck this shit.

Similarities

Yay double post. But I figured since the previous post was short and silly, double posting is acceptable in this case.

Recently I've been lurking around blogs. Not my own (through yes I read through them occasionally and laugh at them) but other people's. And honestly speaking there in nothing in my blog that differentiates me from all those other blogs out there. Reading through a certain someone's posts I can honestly say, to another person these two blogs would look the same, read the same, and be of the same unimportance. It leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth to say that I agree.

Many things I read, I understood. The feelings and the meanings behind the veiled words. I know because I've written the same damn things before.

This breezy vapid life
Has life ever been this hard?

In a way I am jealous because I see what I could have been in a different time, place, dimension. I see the songs I like now- and I see them appearing in the journal of another, long before my time.

I'm jealous because the experiences of another is something I can't experience... The words written are just words that are meaningless and generic but to the writer it holds a thought that hides inside. Who am I to barge in on memories of life before I knew the existence of you? Who am I to walk the younger years with you in the state of virtual suspension of time? Who am I to think anything I do now can affect you, or vice versa?

My mouth lies and denies vehemently that I'm okay and I'm fine; my mind tells me to shut up and get a hold of myself; my heart skips a beat with every paragraph I read and what I fear to see catches my eye. Yet I cannot stop, not even with unstable Internet connection, not even with assignments to do.

I don't know you at all and yet I feel a connection with you, a fellow blogger. It's possible that you may know of me- of me, that's the key word- but it's unlikely that you care enough to see this. For I am wrong and paranoid, and you're... not.

But I still don't like you, for selfish reasons.

Sem 5!

So another new semester just started. Again. I can't believe how fast time flies, it's incredible.

I'm introducing myself to American Literature, Cross-cultural Communication and Sociology 102 this semester. Within the first week alone I've had my mind expanded considerably. With the help of self-awareness.

Currently I'm loving this new semester! I get to understand issues from different perspectives and with a depth I didn't realize it could hold. I get to have long discussions with le petit ami about it, which is even better. One sort of doesn't realize how many things one certain issue can be linked to until some serious discussion is made. Also one doesn't realize how much exactly what you learn in classrooms are actually useful.

I'd love to write a huge long essay on feminism and sexism (mainly what we've been discussing these two weeks) but I'll keep the thought in mind until the day I can sit down and write more. As it is this post has stayed a draft for too long!

Fastest Holiday Ever; and How It's All About the Company

In preparation for our weekend at the Golden Palm Tree Resort, we had our bags packed and ready to go by lunchtime. Suffice to say we were all really excited, when six people are packed into a car on the way for a vacation. With beaches. Sun, sand and swimming. (And sunblock!)

And then everything changed when the fire nation attacked. I mean; we should have seen it coming. Haha! What is this it? ...MAGIC. I wonder, if any of us have contemplated the worst that could happen, would anyone have figured we might actually not even have our holiday?

The drive took about an hour and a half, maybe more since we stopped somewhere for lunch. Along the way Waze reported numerous traffic jams; that should have been the first clue. The roads should have been clear all the way- this is the stretch of no man's land between the airport and the city we're talking about. 

The second clue was when we turned into the resort and saw cars lining up at the drop off/pick up point  and the people that swarmed around the place like ants. It was the school holidays, so I saw all these high schoolers in their little packs hanging around the lobby. And families. With babies. Or extended families and their twice-removed aunt. Basically there was a lot of people in the lobby and there were no fans. We sat there on the lobby floor sweating and running low on battery because I was busy playing Wind Runner while my mom and aunt went to check in.

I even brought Danbo and took a picture, which was supposedly meant to convey the intense boredom and unease at waiting with the clever play of lights and reflective surfaces.

We weren't the only ones. Like I said, the crowd was incredible. Families sat around; kids were engrossed with their iPads and iPhones and PSPs, mothers waited impatiently with haggard faces, older kids on their phones talking and gesturing with a hard line to their mouths as though they were much older than they're supposed to be. They all looked like they either really, really needed a vacation, or they just had a shitty one. Family vacations aren't supposed to suck. If they do then it's time to really look over your family chemistry.

In the end it turned out that there were some communication problems and there was no reservation for us. So we had a good laugh about it and turned back. It was like a one-day trip in a car.

We got home in time to jump into the pool. I whined about being fat for a good while but forgot about it as I splashed water around like a beached whale with my uncle and his family in the crowded pool. After a while my mom and sister appeared; my sister in swimwear, ready to jump in as well (with much persuasion from us) and my mom in casual clothing, refusing to join us. She's not fond of swimming.

After swimming we went for a fabulous dinner of great Indian food. I've seen Sagar restaurant many times as I travel home but never thought of eating there. I'm glad we did. 

The exterior of the place was rather grand in a subtle sort of way; with surprisingly witty elements of a glass walkway. The moment you opened the door pretty much the smell of India assaults you. My sister who has spent a considerable amount of time in India said the smell was very authentic and then "I can't wait to try the food." This is a good sign. I love indian food.

We ordered simple, typical dishes. Curried mutton, cauliflower, tandoori chicken, briyani rice, mashed up spinach, naans. The food was fantastic. 5/5 for everything except the other sort of chicken (which isn't really in the picture) but the tandoori chicken made up for its mediocracy. (The other chicken wasn't bad, but next to the variety of brilliance it didn't shine.) We even had a second serving of tandoori chicken, and the second serving was even better.

The atmosphere was great, the service was great, the food was great. Company, even better.

I'd like to say, at the end of it all, that really it's the company that makes the difference. Even the most mundane of things, like going to the bank or buying groceries can be just a little more fun with the right people around. And I'm blessed to be surrounded by the best of the lot.

Reason Why I Love Starbucks

It's not that I love their coffee, or even coffee for that matter. I do concede that the drinks are pretty good. Expensive and pricey, but yummy. Though Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf has better coffee just saying. 

Okay so I won't even pretend to be an expert in coffee. I'm a noob in this coffee business, all I've ever had is mocha fraps so I can pretend to like coffee while actually I'm just in it for the chocolate and whipped cream and chocolate drizzle yum. Fattening sugary things to satisfy my craving for sweets.

Ever since I started studying in Taylor's I've been drinking Starbucks more frequently- granted it's just right there, and also it's 7205239485234 times better than Chatime. I doubt it's social pressure, though it could contribute to why I am willing to spend a meal's worth of money on sugared coffee drinks.

I always enjoy my Starbucks. Be it my own drink or two sips of a friend's cup when they're not looking, it's always when I'm surrounded by friends. A warm day with a chilled drink in hand, walking into SLC to see the TAS people and my ADP family. Sharing stories and laughter over Starbucks coffee- it's probably a part of uni life I'd miss terribly.

Starbucks also managed to bring out the generosity of le petit ami... Buying me Starbucks during their Buy 1 Free 1 promotion many months back gave us ample opportunities to spend some time knowing each other better. Such a darling he is.

The Starbucks card I'm holding now was given to me for free by a friend- a very pleasant surprise indeed. We weren't all that close- indeed I was only friends due to a close mutual friend- but it's warming to see how some people are simply just nice.

Starbucks makes me happy. I guess that's reason enough to be a fan.

Sprucing Up Old Things

I need to update I know, but I've been stuck on the post-GE13 post for much too long so I figured I might as well take a break and write about something else.

Since I've been hit with the craving to make some stuff ever since going for the Pipit Zakka exhibition, which has been hugely inspiring, I got around to buying a whole lot of wrapping paper to make my own notebook.

Okay that sounded much too impressive. I simply found an old notebook I had which was lying around, forgotten, in a drawer and spruced it up a bit.

Yay for blue themes!

The front cover.

The inside of the front cover.

The back cover.

The inside of the back cover.

The front cover at a long glance.

Since I was unprepared and silly, I didn't take before and after pictures... And even until now I don't take before + after pictures. I suppose I'm not really one to stop halfway and take pictures LOLOLOL

It's my first attempt at redecorating a notebook and I honestly can say I think I did pretty well! Hahaha! What tested my patience was trying to cut the square holes for the rings... with a blunt paper cutter. (After many distressing rips in the paper I ditched the blunt paper cutter and bought a new one.) I'm sure if I wasn't so excited making it I would've just lolnopedon'tcare.jpg and simply poked holes.

I was lucky to have the shell-star lying around. It was previously a necklace my mom bought for me, which I adored... Until the string broke one day and I couldn't fix it. So I kept the pretty shell pendant and luckily I didn't throw it away! Just to make it clear, I am not a hoarder!

....Except maybe I have a slight tendency to keep all sorts of things.

The blue ribbon was actually a very old strip of ribbon that was from the dark corners of my drawer. Basically I don't where it came from. But it works and I'm just glad it does.

In a way, fixing up this notebook also spawed a very very very very very deeply hidden organization urge. I managed to dig out all the bits and pieces of ribbons I had kept throughout the years and kept them in a small bag to make it accessible - and easily distinguished for future projects! :D And the organizing didn't stop at ribbons - my buttons, my colored pens, my glitter glues all have a proper space to themselves. At least they're not lying haphazardly everywhere. >_> (My room is rather neater now, even I am amazed at the change.)

At the end I suppose I have to thank my sister for bringing me into the whole hand-made craft world... It has opened my eyes a great deal. To the extent that when I go out now I think to myself, 'Hey, I don't need to buy this; I can make it.' as though I am gifted with the talent to do so.

But hey, it looks pretty good for a first attempt. And at least now I know how to gift people personalized notebooks without actually having to fork out a whole lot of dough! xD

Another Semester Break

I finished my Philosophy paper just this morning, and I'm currently "on sem break" for two weeks. But of course my sem breaks are never enough. I always find something to do.

This marks the end of yet another semester. My fourth semester in ADP. I have two more semesters to go. A little more than half a year.

Time flies so quickly. Without notice it's already May, and I'm starting to panic.

Because I'm running out of time.

.

The many things I have planned to do have not been done. The many things I am working on is left alone. The many things I wish I could do...

Dreams and hopes and silent nights. My tired mind runs lethargically through confused thoughts and spastic colors.

Perhaps it's too late into the night right now. I'm running on not-enough-sleep and cheap coffee that wore off a little after noon. Maybe that's why my vision is swirling and my mind feels cottony.

.

Tomorrow will be the first day in a long time that I can look forward to. Just a simple Saturday that I can spend with the people that matter. A morning of tender hearts and an afternoon of the best kind of friendship.

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My eyes are closing on themselves, I can feel my consciousness fade within me. Even typing this post is so hard...