The Long Distance Disease

A long distance relationship is not a permanent solution.

It should only ever be temporary at most, and both parties need to always remind themselves that there is more to life than counting time zones and waiting for that call. Some people will tell you that a LDR is a test of strength to see what your relationship is made of. While that statement is true, even the most vigorous test doesn't last two years. A long distance that is just too far for far too long is anything but ideal. When the difference is as stark as night and day, and seeing each other would involve 20-hour plane rides and a hefty sum of cash, even temporary has a limit. 

The first six months were fine. We had daily Skype calls and a care package every two months. We were texting every second and the aching absence was felt so strongly. I would imagine holding his hand as I walked home from the grocery store, because I still remembered the way his hands felt. 

And then the absence goes away a tiny bit. Each person would have settled into a routine without the other. Each person had other concerns: work, school, family, friends. Life wasn't as painful anymore. Free time was still largely allocated to your partner, but daily life didn't truly involve them. Life was still good. We talked. We laughed. We did our best over spotty internet connection and a screen. We watched TV shows and gamed together.

Then there's a big change somewhere. Someone steps into a new phase of life without the other. A graduation. A celebration. A new job. A new interest or hobby. Of course, we share the news. We talk about it. We're genuinely happy for each other and we support each other. But being happy for someone is not the same as celebrating together. It slips a tiny bit, and updating each other takes more time and effort to explain everything. And then someone becomes busier with sudden workload and Skype calls are now shorter and quieter. Netflix dates are postponed. One person is significantly higher level in the same game. Suddenly the things that you've missed out seem to have grown unreasonably large. Birthdays, concerts, movie premiers. Every time an opportunity comes up, there is no option to go together. Someone feels left behind. Someone feels held back.

All those months of not being together shapes you into different people. A new social circle, or new classes, or simply just not being around each other, will change people. Relationships are about growing together, with each other. Unfortunately, a long distance relationship forces you to grow... regardless. Sometimes we can't keep up with each others' life. A weekend event or that heavy workload takes a while to remember. Inside jokes with other friends that you're not a part of. New haircuts. A detail that you assumed they would know but they don't. You would both try to stay the same but it simply doesn't happen. Life goes on. Time doesn't wait. And then one day you will realize that the person you left is not the same person sitting in front of a laptop screen. 

Then both parties have just become used to being apart. Growing used to absence. Seeing pictures of each other but not being able to watch the way their eyes light up, or stroke their hair, or feel their warmth. Carrying the ghosts of each other around without truly materializing.

A long distance relationship forces you to focus on the past and the future. There is very little substantial present to be brought to the table, and that's dangerous. If you focus on how good it was in the past, you will look up one day and realize everyone else has moved forward. If you focus on how good it will be in the future, you will risk blinding yourself to present problems. 

The good news is that for most people, the long distance is simply temporary. No one ever expects to stay in a long distance relationship forever. Eventually there must be some sort of compromise. Someone must move. Someone must come. Eventually, you will be together again.

And when that happens, the pain and loneliness of the long distance simply falls away.

So hold on. Have faith. Keep going. It will be worth it in the end.

Of Distant Memories

It has been much too long since I've heard the electrical kettle boil.

I washed it, because I had already forgotten how long the leftover water had been sitting there. A thin layer of dust had sat untouched on the surface of the white plastic. It had been in the corner all this time.

As I pour myself a hot cereal drink- something that's like Nestum, but can never pass for Nestum- I think back to the last time I have had hot cereal drinks. Certainly not within these few months. And I realize that time has flown by so quickly. It should be shocking. It's already late April. Soon it will be May. Then June. Then it will be six months. Half a year. Absolutely, numbingly, shocking.

I miss those nights when the kettle would boil and I would smell thai tea and hot cereal drinks. The warmth in a cold room. Flashing lights, Netflix, games. Sometimes I'd bend over my homework, sometimes I'd look over my mess of a table with you, but most times it's just enjoying the moments.

I miss those moments.

I miss you.

My hot cereal drink is too hot to drink now. If I leave it alone it will grow too cold. And so is life.

Warm, Fuzzy Feelings

A couple weeks ago I bought a new 2016-2017 planner and I told le petit ami excitedly that I wish it was 2016 so I could use it immediately.

My #2016 #planner! In a bout of excitement I had it decorated with these adorable felt stickers!! 😍🐸🐵 MooMoo is modeling it 🐮☺️ I'm not even that well-organized but hey, the illusion of productivity is irresistible. 😆

A photo posted by Anne Law (@hashichopsticks) on Dec 9, 2015 at 11:46pm PST

As it is, the last month of the year is already here, and honestly I'm quite alarmed at the lack of remaining pages in my current planner.

2015 has been relatively kind to me. I've been able to mark many things off my To Do lists, and it gave me the chance to truly enjoy the small things. This later half of the year brought family and friends closer, and for that I cannot be more grateful.

It's not like the year was completely smooth sailing, however. There were terrible bumps in the road, worries that gnawed on my mind like a slow-creeping disease until I stayed paralyzed in bed. But I recovered, and grew a little stronger each time. I didn't finish everything I said I wanted to; I didn't read a book every week, or do my best in classes, or blog as much as I had wanted. I didn't get to present my best as much as I wanted; too many times I could barely bother that I've worn the same shirt for a week.

Yet I managed to complete a lot of other things I said I would do, and some that I didn't. I explored new recipes and ingredients, with highly positive results. I got a part-time job, and enjoyed it immensely. I learned to properly balance my time and assignments (though I can work more on it), and procrastinated a lot less than I thought I would. I explored new places and projects and performances. I learned to live alone, then I learned to share my life.

Most importantly, I've been happy. And I think that being happy is all that matters. So I look forward to 2016, and to another year of happiness!

Cold Springs

It is Sunday afternoon in early Spring. The weather is great, and it's spring break. I have my window open, the curtains fluttering in the gentle wind.

I live next door to a Mexican family. They're a very celebratory bunch- nearly every weekend there is some sort of gathering, or I would smell something delicious cooking. Right now they are having a pretty large party. There is someone playing the guitar, a bunch of people singing songs, a great deal of chattering and laughter. It's all very jovial. It reminds me of exactly how alone I am.

It is Sunday afternoon and I'm having chocolate ice cream on my own, in my cold room, in front of the computer watching Netflix. Or simply browsing. I'm hungry. I feel sick. My muscles ache, and nothing makes them better. I'm sniffling. I'm feeling chilled.

And all I want is to be sitting outside in the garden, soaking up spring sunshine, with family and friends, singing and eating and being merry. Perhaps I really was meant to live a Hobbit life.

I've been ridiculously exhausted all this time, so much so that I don't even know where I'm standing now. It feels like I'm standing on the beach, the waves pulling away the sand packed under my feet. I look at the world through detached eyes, for why shouldn't I? There is nothing here for me.

The curse of having been happy once is that when you're not- all the music and the joy in the world can't replace that. It just ends up pooling at your feet- and you feel colder than ever.

My Child Will Probably Die.

I've never wanted children. Economically speaking children are terrible investments, with little to no return. Raising kids is a luxury only the well off can afford (and not be miserable after).

As I reach the age where I live alone and take on responsibilities for myself, I realize that perhaps I was simply aware of my short-comings as a general human being. Things I take care of tend to die a lot. My pets and potted plants live an extremely short life with me.

Right now my venus flytrap is a blackened little stub sitting sadly in its cow-printed pot. I put it in the full spring sun, so it looks even sadder next to the vibrant blooming weeds flowers in the garden. All my research tells me that my plant isn't dead: it's hibernating. Yet it's now a warm 23˚C (74˚F for all you Americans) and spring has been in the air for more than a week.

It reminds me of the cactus I used to have back home. At first it would be green and vibrant, perhaps it would even have a flower off to the side. Then as I keep it in my room for a couple of weeks it starts going soft and taking on a dirty shade of brown, even as I water it religiously every week. (It's a cactus, I learned my lesson after drowning my first one.)

I don't have green thumbs, this much I know. I try my hands at indoor gardens (spring onions, anyone?) and they still die very quickly. I can literally kill off even the strongest of weeds. Is this a good thing? I'm not sure.

I wonder if I can blame this on my black thumb, or is a telltale sign that I probably shouldn't even think about raising a child because I will most likely kill it off somehow. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be raising anything at all. So I guess in the end I'll just be throwing it all to le petit ami. His green thumb makes up for my lack of skill, so I guess it works!

29 and Long Distance

Before 2012, I honestly never imagined that I would find someone to fall in love with. I was apathetic and cynical about love, because I simply didn't believe in it. I scoffed at things like "true love" and "unconditional love" because to me, a relationship was about politics and carefully calculated chess moves.

I am so happy to tell the world that I was wrong. It's without a doubt that I've found the most wonderful person to join me on my life's journey, someone to hold hands with through the worst days and the best days, someone to tell me the things I need to hear as well as the things I don't want to hear, someone to put a smile on my face regardless of bad tidings or good.

I've found someone who planned his life to mine, who waited for months away from me while slowly reaching towards our goal, who supports me all the way. He shoulders the weight of responsibility quietly, always two steps ahead of me.

I don't want to lie. Long distance relationships aren't easy. It's so fucking hard. We always miss each other (in both ways), and our texts get replied hours late. Someone ends up losing sleep (usually him, even though I insist he shouldn't). We run out of things to say, sometimes, because our worlds are so different now. We exhaust the usual jokes and reminisces, our "do you remembers" because we haven't made a new "do you remember" in so long. Our excitement for gifts and parcels fizzle out because it's been forever and asking "did you get it?" every 18 hours doesn't make the parcel magically appear. Sometimes, I admit, I nearly forget the sound of his voice because we haven't spoken in so long. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we go to sleep crying separately, sometimes we say things we don't mean. Sometimes we feel like it's the end of the road, where do we go from here, and sometimes we just say nothing at all.

But most times we try our hardest. Most times we laugh over stupid YouTube videos, or play a campaign (or three) of Left 4 Dead 2, or watch a movie together. Most times we update each other on things we eat and things we do. Most times I remind him there's only a couple more weeks left before I come home. Most times we spend hours telling each other in detail about why we love each other. Most times we talk about anything and everything. Most times we have no cloud in our future together.

We've missed our second anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Yet I'm still so ridiculously happy that for the past two years we could properly celebrate these special days that I never used to celebrate. I never bothered, I never cared. Now I do, only because it means I get to spend time with him and look back on our journey.

For the days that don't require looking back though... We look forward. Because we're so young, and the world still has so much potential, and regardless of where life takes us we'll travel together.

Because I'm your tsuma, and you're my otto ♥︎ Happy 29th monthsary love! I miss you lots!!

Positive Start, and Onwards...

So I just want to say that I have a job now. A steady, entry-level job that will get me by when I feel like eating out and things like that.

It's a strange idea to get used to. It's another responsibility added to my plate. This year I've just been piling my plate like I'm at a buffet, assuring myself that "I'm fine, I can still eat." I wonder if I know when I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Days are dragging by slowly. Torturously, even. It's probably because I've filled my schedule but also spaced out my time (good time management, see) so I always have breathing room but all the breathing room is just making me check my phone every 20 minutes because why won't the days go by faster.

It's Valentine's Day, and when everyone else is celebrating, people in long distance relationships have it even worse than people who shout about being forever alone. It's so much worse when you actually do have someone... but you just can't be together.

Regardless, I honestly thought I would enjoy my four day weekend more... yet these past days I've just been stressing about a research essay and homework assignment that I simply don't have the motivation to do. I want to do it. And I don't want to either.

In one blog post I've ranted about responsibilities, long distance relationships, and procrastination. Hey, at least I'm doing something.

I'm just so impatient right now. The stupid weather is being hot and cold, and I'm coughing my lungs out, and I just really want to wear shorts again.

I'm going to die in the heat and humidity when I go back to Malaysia in the summer.

...And Before January Ends

I have a very good feeling about 2015. This semester I'm in a brand new environment with a brand new outlook.

One of the greatest change this year is that I've gotten a lot more organized. I've got files for each of my classes, I've got a sweet little planner that's filling up surprisingly quickly, and I've got a countdown timer to spur me on. Strangely enough, all these little things do indeed seem to make this year leap with positivity.

Last year, I was unmotivated and under achieving. My apathy stemmed to all parts of my life. This year... In this one month of 2015 I've stopped horsing around and actually got shit done. In fact, I've gotten so much shit down so efficiently I'm a little amazed at myself. Of course, it's only been a week of school, but I already feel so much more comfortable. My schedules are workable and efficient, and I'm so glad about that. I wish I had invested in planners sooner, but oh, what can one do but not look back in anger (brownie points for whoever caught that song reference.)

Most of the credit I give to my friends; they were the ones who bring me places and discuss ideas (over food), they accompany me to buy things I need (planner and files haha) and they generally just made my life so much easier. Honestly I'm so glad I found a group of such wonderful people so quickly. It's my good fortune to be friends with them.

I guess right now the only thing I wish I could improve is cooking. I've gotten so tired of cooking things for one person that I'm eating a whole lot more instant noodles than I should. (This has, fortunately, not shown on my bikini body... yet.) Of course, I can always make extra stuff and eat leftovers throughout the week, but le petit ami does not allow it- and I have to agree, somehow leftovers and me just don't mix very well. What I'm excited about is when it gets warmer, and I can bring cold pasta salads or sandwiches for lunch that won't be an absolute mess by the time it gets there.

Boo to cold foggy winter weather.

In terms of classes, I think I'll be able to handle them without too much of a problem. Perhaps in the middle of the semester I'll cry myself to sleep swamped under piles of studying and assignments, but I'm hopeful that if I plan my time right I can avoid that.

Truthfully, my motivation comes from the appeal of summer break. I finally get to go home! I can't wait to see my loved ones... and of course this must be paired with ten courses of good ol' Malaysian food! I'm counting down the literal days before I can see this on my way home again. Home!

Teespring Review and Too Many Selfies

Recently I bought a hoodie from Teespring because it showed up on my Facebook ads (see, advertising). Honestly I wasn't expecting anything much (I spent a couple hours Googling if it was a scam) from the hoodie other than the design being so irresistible that I took a chance at it. I'm so glad I did.

Teespring works like those Kickstarter projects; they require a minimum number of orders to start printing the design. When I bought my design they had already reached their goal, but I still had to wait around two weeks for them to close the offer. (November 8th was the deadline.)

They sent me an email right after to confirm my order. It was also a nice touch to be able to track the progress of the shirts, I remember spamming it constantly as the deadline drew nearer because I was impatient.

They send you another email when the orders close as well, telling you an estimated delivery time. 

I was so excited! I told anyone who would listen about this ridiculously amazing hoodie I was getting because I'm a sucker for nerdy fandom things.

Another email saying that my order was being shipped. 

I got the email on November 14th, a Friday. I had expected the shirt to arrive the next week, since it was close to the weekend after all. Still, I was an impatient little bugger and tracked it the next day.

At first I was confused when the packaged said "delivered". Was there a mix up in tracking numbers? It couldn't have arrived so soon, could it...?

Lo and behold, it had. I had gotten my hoodie nearly a full week before it was supposed to. Was I incredibly happy? Yes. Was I also impressed? Yes.

Not nearly as much as when I opened the package, however. The hoodie, it turned out, was in hella good condition. It was freaking perfection. The material was thick and warm, the size was exactly right in all the right places, and most importantly, the printing was wonderful. It's not cheap thin print, it was textured white print that stood out in the most amazing way. I am a sucker for texture. I loved it so much.

A couple of different shots to capture the texture and material.

Wonderful lining for the front pocket.

The hoodie could probably have been worn right out from the package (there was no heavy chemical smell) but I was too much of a mommy's girl to not give it a quick wash beforehand. Washing instructions on the tag were clear, and the color never ran. Lovely.

Paired with colored pants, it sure does make a statement.

I love the collar the hoodie gives when it's down. It doesn't clump 

around the neck, but falls neatly to the side with some stiffness.

The hoodie looks good with the hood up as well. Some hoodies have 

too small a hood to actually be functional, I've noticed.

With the hood down.

Verdict: I love this hoodie. Material and design. I'd give it a 11/10 if I could.

On Teespring: it's my first time buying from Teespring, but I was seriously impressed with everything so far. Easy, pretty, and efficient. I'd recommend Teespring to anyone who's wondering if it's legit. I'd buy again if there were any new amazing designs I just had to have.

Japanese Omurice!

It's been a while. I'm starting to have fun here with friend I didn't think I would meet, but here I am. The past weeks have been great so far. I've been doing things I truly enjoy doing. Drawing, on an iPad with a stylus, is surprisingly not as terrible as I would think it would be.

Unfortunately the things I've been cooking recently all sort of suck, regardless of recipe or not. Maybe it's because I'm not really putting effort into cooking anymore. It's cold, all I want is hot stew and hot chocolate. Haha!

Anyway I tried making Japanese omurice for lunch today. It's basically ketchup fried rice wrapped in egg. Here's what I used.

I love my floral themed knife and cutting board. Go Daiso! Woot!

(That's milk in the eggs by the way. To make it fluffier.)

Here's what I got.

I tried my best? Haha. It's quite good, actually. The rice just needs to be cooked more. It's a tad too sticky. Having onions and corn is a good touch, because the little bit of crunch brings a more interesting texture to the dish. It's a relatively quick and brainless meal, so it's good for those lazy days. That being said, I really want to learn to make chawanmushi! It's near impossible to find chawanmushi here!

Surimi-stuffed Baked Mushroom with Colby-Jack Cheese

Since I picked up a whole lot of surimi (imitation crab meat) at Safeway (the Malaysian in me couldn't resist the 3 for $5 deal) I had to go look for recipes to see what to do with it all. I found one that included mushrooms, and so I decided to give it a try. I changed much of the recipe (especially the amounts) and used what was available to me. Instead of adding the cheese directly into the stuffing, I draped it across the top simply so that it looks better.

Ingredients:

Mushrooms, stems removed (8 ounces)
Surimi, shredded (4 ounces)
Cream cheese, softened (4 ounces)
Colby-Jack cheese, sliced (4 ounces to be on the safe side)

Seasoning: (this is what I took liberty with; feel free to add anything you like, as much or as little as you want. I'm listing all the options for different flavors.)

Sesame oil (for that extra oomph)
Garlic powder
Pepper
Chili powder

Steps:

First, remove the stems of the mushrooms. This is surprisingly easy to do, just bend them a little and they will break off cleanly. (Make sure you wash them first!)

You should pre-heat the oven to 350F now.

Next, combine the cream cheese, shredded surimi, and seasoning in a bowl and mix thoroughly. Then stuff the mushrooms! Try to pack it tightly so that it doesn't topple over.

After that, drape the cheese slices over it. make sure it coves nicely. If you're more of a cheese person you could add extra layers of cheese on the top as they melt pretty thinly.

Put it into the PRE-HEATED oven and bake for about 10 minutes.

You should get something like this.

Through the middle.

Verdict: This is best eaten fresh out of the oven. It's tender and juicy. It's savory and delicious. The flavor is released into your mouth as you bite down on the mushroom. I'd recommend this as an appetizer or side-dish, or even finger food for parties. Not quite a meal on its own. I'm glad I made it though, it's an interesting snack that I would never have thought about combining.

Things Don't Make Sense

The thing with depression is that you never realize you're getting there until you're in it. It's never an overnight turn of events (though that may be the trigger) but it's that moment when your brain is screaming at you with white noise at 3am in the morning and tears are streaming down your face and breathing becomes a problem that you hit the brakes and think to yourself, "Oh god, I'm in depression."

Of course that may be just me.

No one ever likes talking about depression because it's not a fun topic. No one would expect me to have depression either, because I'm not exactly unfamiliar with unicorns and rainbows and preppy bright colors. I wouldn't have thought I'd ever be here again. I thought depression was just something that you can get over once and build an immunity to, like chickenpox.

There is nothing strong about being in depression. People might discuss this whole concept in a classroom or in a group and someone might say, "Oh, you must be so strong to have gone through depression." It's nothing to be proud of. It's not a shining success to put on your resumé. It wasn't a conscious effort to cry myself to sleep and wake up before the sky grows light and throw on some clothes to go for classes in the cold. It was just routine. It allowed my mind to be on autopilot. It allowed myself to grab the cup of coffee and chug it so I can pretend that the migraine spreading through my skull was a side effect of the coffee, not the crushing stress of being a fuck-up.

In the same way that a homosexual may say, "I may not want to fuck that person, but I can still tell that the person is attractive.", I can still decide that today is a beautiful cool fall day, with the warm sun shining through the sparse clouds and the chilly wind calmly blowing into my hair to give it that attractive bouncy air. This does not mean that suddenly my life is all glitter and happiness and everything-in-the-world-is-right.

Often I wonder if I'm just too weak to make it, or if the world is cruel and we all living like this. If I am weak, then what will be the end of me? If the world is cruel, then what will be the end of us?

I find no reason to hide my depression now, possibly because I'm under the delusion that I'm so far away nothing will hurt me (though was that not one of the reasons why I'm here) and possibly because even American air smells of LIBERTY LIBERTY I DO WHAT I WANT I AM NOT SORRY FOR IT. The constant upkeep of my moods are rendered useless when I never see the people who even matter to me. I have no need to pretend to be keeping myself together when I don't even know where to begin. To my family and friends who see this, please don't worry yourself unnecessarily for me. I appreciate it, but I don't want it.

The Worst Thing About Growing Up

You see, I realize now that when my mom told me to not grow up so early, she was right. As she is with many many things.

Growing up isn't just necessarily "I'll do what I want" or "I'll make the decisions" or "It's my life" (guilty as charged). It's what comes after that, when things don't look so good and you chew on the short end of the stick muttering regrets. Mistakes happen, yes. But growing up means taking the bull by the horns and blaming no one but yourself.

I could name so many things to blame: the system, the people, the paperwork. Yet I can't, not really, only reluctantly. The only thing I can do is sigh and hope for the best. Ultimately I was the one who made the decision. Was it a good decision? No. Was it a bad decision? Probably. Should I have thought about it a lot more? Yes, but I understand at that particular moment in time I was desperate. It still isn't an excuse though, so I'll have to pay for that.

Taking responsibility for yourself is a hard course of action that isn't popular with anyone, but it is one we must take. Suffice to say, this time around I have truly learnt "I'll make the decisions" and won't ever make decisions influenced by others.

Consequences of Decisions

You know those days when you realize, deep in your heart, that you have an issue at hand, and it's between a rock and a hard place. It's between a rock and a very hard place.

I love decisions, and I hate making them. To do so is an act of responsibility, to bear the consequences of that decision.

To make a decision to eat chili pan mee, for example, when you are sick and having a sore throat, is to bear the responsibility to deal with the consequences of suffering your throat burning.

I hate even more the decisions that deal with the future. How am I to know that I have accurately dealt with the decision I was faced with? How am I to know that I have made the right choice? I've promised myself to always make my decisions with careful thought and to never regret my decisions on the basis that they were the right choices at that specific time with my current knowledge. This promise, of course, has caused myself great stress concerning all my life choices.

Fast food for dinner? Deal with the bloated tummy myself.

Spend my money on clothes? Deal with the uneasy weeks with extremely tight budgets.

Fly across the world to continue my tertiary studies alone without guidance? Deal with all the bullshit that comes along from the public university and homesickness.

I realize how easy it is to let myself go and roll in bed without a care in the world, giving nary a second thought to such decisions and instead go with "what you feel like".

Without a doubt the only thing I feel like right now is to fly straight home into the arms of loved ones and eat all the chili pan mee (and other terribly delicious Malaysian food I hungered for as I scrolled Instagram late last night) I can eat and live the rest of my life without a care in the world, watching TV shows and writing stories.

Unfortunately, that is not an option I can entertain, not even in my mind. Such is the consequence.

What can I do right now but to stop myself from breaking down and punching people in the face? Look on the bright side; look on the bright side... There is none.

Out of Steam

There is little more I can say other than how increasingly frustrated I am with my life right now. I try hard to look on the bright side all the time but falling sick is always due to stress and lord knows I'm stressed right now.

My voice is gone, and I sound like an insane mass murderer right now. I sure am feeling like a murderer.

I hate things being complicated and tentative- I am unable to decide and come up with plans efficiently. I'm unable to settle down and grit my teeth and say, "Let's get it over with.". I am unable to call for plans of action.

And when my life seems complicated and unsure, I lose motivation. Like a steam engine that has run out of steam. The amount of energy I need to throw myself into moving again is just too much.

My vision swims occasionally and I'm slightly concerned about my health. I don't have insurance, so if I die they won't ship my body home. Terrible, isn't it? I should live a safe, hermit lifestyle and stay in my room forever. No accidents, no sickness.

It's Friday. My life is stagnant for the weekend, and it's unlikely I'd do anything more than sit at home and laze about. I should appreciate it, but I don't think I can. I miss home.

Labor Day Backyard BBQ

It's Labor Day! In America this translates to a mellow family gathering with ribs, and I was invited to join. I have the best landlady ever, no contest.

Best ribs ever. This is how barbeque sauce is supposed to taste like. This is how pork ribs are supposed to taste like. Amazing.

The family dog, Ramper. He's adorable.

Dinner. Ribs and wonderfully tasty salad. After years of only having Thousand Island sauce I only just realized how wonderful salad can taste. My landlady makes the best salads!! It even has cheeeeese!

I FOUND A MAGGI CUP.

Home made Oreo-cheesecake.

I really enjoyed my time with this white American family with food and drink talking about musicals and history and stories. It warmed my heart to see such a diverse family being together and genuinely enjoying. The joking, the smiles, the happy comments. It made me almost not want to leave.

It's a very good positive image to be exposed to. To learn that yes this family is possible. To accept that and care for people in a way that doesn't make either party want to strangle each other. No dirty looks or snide remarks.

To just hold hands and love.

I want a family like that. And I'll work towards that as hard as I can.

What Facebook Does

To be honest, I'm not exactly having the time of my life here. I'm struggling to make friends, to be a part of the community, to be noticed. Most of the time I'd rather just stay at home and watch Once Upon A Time (a post for next time, or Tumblr).

So naturally I scroll Facebook. And I see my friends- they're all so popular now, so pretty, so grown up. They've made friends and families and memories. They dress so well and look so good.

In my room, on this chair where the springs dig into my thigh, I feel so left out. I haven't felt pretty in so long... My skin is dry and not for the lack of lotion I slather on daily. My cheeks have been sunburnt without being noticed and I'm pretty sure I was never so hairy. I try to take selfies on days when I don't feel like a complete waste of atoms but I always delete them. I try to dress up but I'm never good enough. I try to make the best decisions but I never know if they are. I feel frustrated and unhappy and it's never a good thing to have.

Then I remind myself that I don't have to be miserable. Because I have friends, and family. They may not be with me now but they're there for me. I have the love of my life, the one person who keeps me going every day. The one person who keeps my spirit up with kind words and adorable pictures. And I realize I don't have to take unnaturally pretty selfies for the world- I just need to take selfies for that one person- to show him my smiles and stupid faces, because he likes those best.

Tomorrow morning, I'll dress up and feel pretty. And even if I don't, I'll enjoy myself.

Moving House

So I'll be leaving the I-House soon. Moving into a house, where I have my own room. An adorable old dog, a sweet landlady, and a nice big backyard with lemons and tomatoes and all the good stuff!

Her daughters left a bunch of flowers in my room... Such a sweet gesture!

I do appreciate the hustle and bustle of the International House... It was a great place, with fun people and something to look forward to. Yet I find that being unused to a dorm simply means being unused to a dorm.

I'm not uncomfortable. Yet I'm not comfortable. There is a need to always watch out for other people... and just because you are considerate doesn't mean other people are.

(This, and also the indignity of my food disappearing.)

My new room is much bigger, with cool air and lots- lots- of storage space. I can't say I dislike it at all! I've only been here a couple of times but I'm settling in really really well.

A full length mirror so I can #ootd unashamedly... With good lighting too!

Oh, nostalgia! I miss home, the markings on the dining room pillar and wall... My ugly drawings and little notes, "You've grown taller!" that stopped sometime around '12... (sigh)

This small window faces the bed and lets in a whole lot of light and a whole lot of air. #fengshui

A house to live in... A room in a house is better than half a room in a mansion. (Unless, of course, it's my mansion uhuhuhu.)

Time to settle in!

American Food Post #2: The Good Stuff!

Of course American food isn't limited only to pizza and burgers. I've been eating a lot more yoghurt for one, because they have a large variety of greek yoghurt with all sorts of good stuff. And frozen yoghurt, oh so good. 

So much better than Tutti Frutti, and so much cheaper, even after the exchange rate. Yum!

This Mixim yoghurt really cheered me up a whole lot, though. It was on sale for like $1 or something so I bought a couple and mmmm I am surprised. Being used to the whole Malaysian standard of "discounted food" I wasn't expecting anything good (I was expecting it to be terrible, at least) but I am surprised.

The kid in me had so much fun mixing the raspberry jam with the surprisingly flavorful chocolate bits. It's safe to say that this will be one of the more well-stocked desserts I'll have lying around. ˚₊*(ˊॢo̶̶̷̤◡ुo̴̶̷̤ˋॢ)*₊˚⁎

Then today I popped by 7-11 to see if they had anything for sale. I came across this wonderful creation called the Oreo ice-cream...

And it was so good. It wasn't too sweet, wasn't too overwhelming, and it was just soft enough to chew but didn't melt. In a nutshell: Amazing.

The cookie coating was firm didn't crumble much, the soft ice-cream on the inside was chewy. How is it possible??

Even though it's a little on the pricey side, I don't think I'll be able to resist an Oreo bar after a nice filling bagel...

It's a good thing my new place has a weighing scale... Really have to keep the pounds off this Asian frame! (●´⌓`●)

The Many Thoughts about Food

So before I came, and even after, many of my musings and wonder consisted of food.

Now, even more so.

I still can't get over American portions. Take a look.

This pizza is 10", about a medium size in Malaysian standards I think. It cost a little over $5, and fed me for three meals. #sogood I love this place, they have the best pizzas and it always has it's own personal touch. xD Also, chilli flakes. #YES

When do you ever need a big onion bigger than my hand? This wasn't even the biggest one in the pile. It's the one I decided to buy. I've currently used half to cook twice, and that half was enough for 5 meals. I've wrapped it in air-tight plastic, and I scorn at the onions in the shared fridge that are exposed completely... for weeks. Someone's going to have a fun time in the toilet.

There's also an issue of not being able to get milk under a galleon (a little under 2 liters). The only half-galleon milk I could find was lactose-free, for the lactose intolerant. I understand now why Leonard can eat cereal despite his lactose intolerance.

Everything here is in suitably sharing-sizes... so do come soon, please?

I found this cute thing for under $2 but my roommate chided me and said no. :( She's just mean. How can you not want to eat How to Train Your Dragon 2-shaped mac n' cheese??? But she made me put it back. Don't worry I shall buy you next time!

This was found in the nearby 7-11... They basically sell beef jerkies in boxes and you can pick and choose your own. Kind of like how we sell our preserved fruit! Now that I'm seeing it, however, I'm starting to get a little bit hungry...

Egg, cheese and bacon... YUM! Breakfast in a bagel but it's so, so good! I've only ever tried the bagels in SS15 once, but blegh. THESE bagels are the reason why I can have them for breakfast everyday! And the best thing is, it's not even too much!

Today's lunch (and possibly dinner) is pasta with leftover roasted chicken from the noodle place last night. See? Another meal. Add some mushrooms (which I had to use up anyway) and yellow onion, season with a bit of soy sauce and black pepper, and there we go, yummy awesome food! I honestly love how much my culinary skills have improved after browsing many, many, many, many recipes... There's a pattern to cooking, and once you understand that pattern it's not hard to cook at all. Yes! Looking forward to cooking more and experimenting with stews, my next trial.

These pretzel m&m's actually don't taste all that different from the blue wafer ones we get in M'sia, cept a tad bit softer and saltier. It's not really my thing, it's quite heavy on the tastebuds... Then again so much of American food is!

I had fun with my roommate & friends doing exceptionally girly things. I've never really the experience of doing so 'just for fun' like how you see in American teen movies. The only sleepover experience I've had included movie marathons, cup noodles, and canned mocha. Nail polish and makeup? New territory. Also they may be right, I may be a bit of nail polish fanatic. (I insist I am not, still do.)

A major update! This baby is going to make my life so much easier. Her name is Buttermilk, and she is gorgeous. No more lazy grocery trips, no more 40 minute 10-block walks!

A shot of Saints Peter and Paul Church in Washington Square Park, San Franciso to end. It's beautiful and lying in the grass really is such an American thing to do, but I definitely see the appeal in it. It'd be great for bare-foot sports, general running around and mischievousness.

I think I'm doing alright!