The Long Distance Disease

A long distance relationship is not a permanent solution.

It should only ever be temporary at most, and both parties need to always remind themselves that there is more to life than counting time zones and waiting for that call. Some people will tell you that a LDR is a test of strength to see what your relationship is made of. While that statement is true, even the most vigorous test doesn't last two years. A long distance that is just too far for far too long is anything but ideal. When the difference is as stark as night and day, and seeing each other would involve 20-hour plane rides and a hefty sum of cash, even temporary has a limit. 

The first six months were fine. We had daily Skype calls and a care package every two months. We were texting every second and the aching absence was felt so strongly. I would imagine holding his hand as I walked home from the grocery store, because I still remembered the way his hands felt. 

And then the absence goes away a tiny bit. Each person would have settled into a routine without the other. Each person had other concerns: work, school, family, friends. Life wasn't as painful anymore. Free time was still largely allocated to your partner, but daily life didn't truly involve them. Life was still good. We talked. We laughed. We did our best over spotty internet connection and a screen. We watched TV shows and gamed together.

Then there's a big change somewhere. Someone steps into a new phase of life without the other. A graduation. A celebration. A new job. A new interest or hobby. Of course, we share the news. We talk about it. We're genuinely happy for each other and we support each other. But being happy for someone is not the same as celebrating together. It slips a tiny bit, and updating each other takes more time and effort to explain everything. And then someone becomes busier with sudden workload and Skype calls are now shorter and quieter. Netflix dates are postponed. One person is significantly higher level in the same game. Suddenly the things that you've missed out seem to have grown unreasonably large. Birthdays, concerts, movie premiers. Every time an opportunity comes up, there is no option to go together. Someone feels left behind. Someone feels held back.

All those months of not being together shapes you into different people. A new social circle, or new classes, or simply just not being around each other, will change people. Relationships are about growing together, with each other. Unfortunately, a long distance relationship forces you to grow... regardless. Sometimes we can't keep up with each others' life. A weekend event or that heavy workload takes a while to remember. Inside jokes with other friends that you're not a part of. New haircuts. A detail that you assumed they would know but they don't. You would both try to stay the same but it simply doesn't happen. Life goes on. Time doesn't wait. And then one day you will realize that the person you left is not the same person sitting in front of a laptop screen. 

Then both parties have just become used to being apart. Growing used to absence. Seeing pictures of each other but not being able to watch the way their eyes light up, or stroke their hair, or feel their warmth. Carrying the ghosts of each other around without truly materializing.

A long distance relationship forces you to focus on the past and the future. There is very little substantial present to be brought to the table, and that's dangerous. If you focus on how good it was in the past, you will look up one day and realize everyone else has moved forward. If you focus on how good it will be in the future, you will risk blinding yourself to present problems. 

The good news is that for most people, the long distance is simply temporary. No one ever expects to stay in a long distance relationship forever. Eventually there must be some sort of compromise. Someone must move. Someone must come. Eventually, you will be together again.

And when that happens, the pain and loneliness of the long distance simply falls away.

So hold on. Have faith. Keep going. It will be worth it in the end.

Of Distant Memories

It has been much too long since I've heard the electrical kettle boil.

I washed it, because I had already forgotten how long the leftover water had been sitting there. A thin layer of dust had sat untouched on the surface of the white plastic. It had been in the corner all this time.

As I pour myself a hot cereal drink- something that's like Nestum, but can never pass for Nestum- I think back to the last time I have had hot cereal drinks. Certainly not within these few months. And I realize that time has flown by so quickly. It should be shocking. It's already late April. Soon it will be May. Then June. Then it will be six months. Half a year. Absolutely, numbingly, shocking.

I miss those nights when the kettle would boil and I would smell thai tea and hot cereal drinks. The warmth in a cold room. Flashing lights, Netflix, games. Sometimes I'd bend over my homework, sometimes I'd look over my mess of a table with you, but most times it's just enjoying the moments.

I miss those moments.

I miss you.

My hot cereal drink is too hot to drink now. If I leave it alone it will grow too cold. And so is life.

Warm, Fuzzy Feelings

A couple weeks ago I bought a new 2016-2017 planner and I told le petit ami excitedly that I wish it was 2016 so I could use it immediately.

My #2016 #planner! In a bout of excitement I had it decorated with these adorable felt stickers!! 😍🐸🐵 MooMoo is modeling it 🐮☺️ I'm not even that well-organized but hey, the illusion of productivity is irresistible. 😆

A photo posted by Anne Law (@hashichopsticks) on Dec 9, 2015 at 11:46pm PST

As it is, the last month of the year is already here, and honestly I'm quite alarmed at the lack of remaining pages in my current planner.

2015 has been relatively kind to me. I've been able to mark many things off my To Do lists, and it gave me the chance to truly enjoy the small things. This later half of the year brought family and friends closer, and for that I cannot be more grateful.

It's not like the year was completely smooth sailing, however. There were terrible bumps in the road, worries that gnawed on my mind like a slow-creeping disease until I stayed paralyzed in bed. But I recovered, and grew a little stronger each time. I didn't finish everything I said I wanted to; I didn't read a book every week, or do my best in classes, or blog as much as I had wanted. I didn't get to present my best as much as I wanted; too many times I could barely bother that I've worn the same shirt for a week.

Yet I managed to complete a lot of other things I said I would do, and some that I didn't. I explored new recipes and ingredients, with highly positive results. I got a part-time job, and enjoyed it immensely. I learned to properly balance my time and assignments (though I can work more on it), and procrastinated a lot less than I thought I would. I explored new places and projects and performances. I learned to live alone, then I learned to share my life.

Most importantly, I've been happy. And I think that being happy is all that matters. So I look forward to 2016, and to another year of happiness!

Cold Springs

It is Sunday afternoon in early Spring. The weather is great, and it's spring break. I have my window open, the curtains fluttering in the gentle wind.

I live next door to a Mexican family. They're a very celebratory bunch- nearly every weekend there is some sort of gathering, or I would smell something delicious cooking. Right now they are having a pretty large party. There is someone playing the guitar, a bunch of people singing songs, a great deal of chattering and laughter. It's all very jovial. It reminds me of exactly how alone I am.

It is Sunday afternoon and I'm having chocolate ice cream on my own, in my cold room, in front of the computer watching Netflix. Or simply browsing. I'm hungry. I feel sick. My muscles ache, and nothing makes them better. I'm sniffling. I'm feeling chilled.

And all I want is to be sitting outside in the garden, soaking up spring sunshine, with family and friends, singing and eating and being merry. Perhaps I really was meant to live a Hobbit life.

I've been ridiculously exhausted all this time, so much so that I don't even know where I'm standing now. It feels like I'm standing on the beach, the waves pulling away the sand packed under my feet. I look at the world through detached eyes, for why shouldn't I? There is nothing here for me.

The curse of having been happy once is that when you're not- all the music and the joy in the world can't replace that. It just ends up pooling at your feet- and you feel colder than ever.

My Child Will Probably Die.

I've never wanted children. Economically speaking children are terrible investments, with little to no return. Raising kids is a luxury only the well off can afford (and not be miserable after).

As I reach the age where I live alone and take on responsibilities for myself, I realize that perhaps I was simply aware of my short-comings as a general human being. Things I take care of tend to die a lot. My pets and potted plants live an extremely short life with me.

Right now my venus flytrap is a blackened little stub sitting sadly in its cow-printed pot. I put it in the full spring sun, so it looks even sadder next to the vibrant blooming weeds flowers in the garden. All my research tells me that my plant isn't dead: it's hibernating. Yet it's now a warm 23˚C (74˚F for all you Americans) and spring has been in the air for more than a week.

It reminds me of the cactus I used to have back home. At first it would be green and vibrant, perhaps it would even have a flower off to the side. Then as I keep it in my room for a couple of weeks it starts going soft and taking on a dirty shade of brown, even as I water it religiously every week. (It's a cactus, I learned my lesson after drowning my first one.)

I don't have green thumbs, this much I know. I try my hands at indoor gardens (spring onions, anyone?) and they still die very quickly. I can literally kill off even the strongest of weeds. Is this a good thing? I'm not sure.

I wonder if I can blame this on my black thumb, or is a telltale sign that I probably shouldn't even think about raising a child because I will most likely kill it off somehow. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be raising anything at all. So I guess in the end I'll just be throwing it all to le petit ami. His green thumb makes up for my lack of skill, so I guess it works!

29 and Long Distance

Before 2012, I honestly never imagined that I would find someone to fall in love with. I was apathetic and cynical about love, because I simply didn't believe in it. I scoffed at things like "true love" and "unconditional love" because to me, a relationship was about politics and carefully calculated chess moves.

I am so happy to tell the world that I was wrong. It's without a doubt that I've found the most wonderful person to join me on my life's journey, someone to hold hands with through the worst days and the best days, someone to tell me the things I need to hear as well as the things I don't want to hear, someone to put a smile on my face regardless of bad tidings or good.

I've found someone who planned his life to mine, who waited for months away from me while slowly reaching towards our goal, who supports me all the way. He shoulders the weight of responsibility quietly, always two steps ahead of me.

I don't want to lie. Long distance relationships aren't easy. It's so fucking hard. We always miss each other (in both ways), and our texts get replied hours late. Someone ends up losing sleep (usually him, even though I insist he shouldn't). We run out of things to say, sometimes, because our worlds are so different now. We exhaust the usual jokes and reminisces, our "do you remembers" because we haven't made a new "do you remember" in so long. Our excitement for gifts and parcels fizzle out because it's been forever and asking "did you get it?" every 18 hours doesn't make the parcel magically appear. Sometimes, I admit, I nearly forget the sound of his voice because we haven't spoken in so long. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we go to sleep crying separately, sometimes we say things we don't mean. Sometimes we feel like it's the end of the road, where do we go from here, and sometimes we just say nothing at all.

But most times we try our hardest. Most times we laugh over stupid YouTube videos, or play a campaign (or three) of Left 4 Dead 2, or watch a movie together. Most times we update each other on things we eat and things we do. Most times I remind him there's only a couple more weeks left before I come home. Most times we spend hours telling each other in detail about why we love each other. Most times we talk about anything and everything. Most times we have no cloud in our future together.

We've missed our second anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Yet I'm still so ridiculously happy that for the past two years we could properly celebrate these special days that I never used to celebrate. I never bothered, I never cared. Now I do, only because it means I get to spend time with him and look back on our journey.

For the days that don't require looking back though... We look forward. Because we're so young, and the world still has so much potential, and regardless of where life takes us we'll travel together.

Because I'm your tsuma, and you're my otto ♥︎ Happy 29th monthsary love! I miss you lots!!

Positive Start, and Onwards...

So I just want to say that I have a job now. A steady, entry-level job that will get me by when I feel like eating out and things like that.

It's a strange idea to get used to. It's another responsibility added to my plate. This year I've just been piling my plate like I'm at a buffet, assuring myself that "I'm fine, I can still eat." I wonder if I know when I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Days are dragging by slowly. Torturously, even. It's probably because I've filled my schedule but also spaced out my time (good time management, see) so I always have breathing room but all the breathing room is just making me check my phone every 20 minutes because why won't the days go by faster.

It's Valentine's Day, and when everyone else is celebrating, people in long distance relationships have it even worse than people who shout about being forever alone. It's so much worse when you actually do have someone... but you just can't be together.

Regardless, I honestly thought I would enjoy my four day weekend more... yet these past days I've just been stressing about a research essay and homework assignment that I simply don't have the motivation to do. I want to do it. And I don't want to either.

In one blog post I've ranted about responsibilities, long distance relationships, and procrastination. Hey, at least I'm doing something.

I'm just so impatient right now. The stupid weather is being hot and cold, and I'm coughing my lungs out, and I just really want to wear shorts again.

I'm going to die in the heat and humidity when I go back to Malaysia in the summer.