It's quite surprising to everyone else how cynical my outlook on life is. Judging by what they know of me, I'm not surprised that they're surprised. But that's the thing: why let others know? Is it necessary for them to know every opinion? Sometimes people don't want to know, mostly people just don't care. And if they want to know, they ask. Then again usually it's the ones that ask that we can't be truthful to.
All my life I've been told to "be my own person" and "never let anyone tell you who to be". But what the fuck does that mean. What does it mean to someone who isn't sure of who they are- and honestly, how many of us is who we want to be rather than who other people want us to be? If you say you are, how are you so sure it's not society that's making you think you know who you want to be?
How about me?
What if who I want to be is exactly who I am now? That there are no more thoughts of what ifs and why nots.
What if my personality- this me, is really just a shapeless human- and I change for each person? To some I may be a friend to go to for advice, to others I may be the friend to go to for jokes, yet again to some I may be the quiet friend who doesn't say much.
I like being this unfixed person. No one is to say that I should do this or that because on what grounds can they make that judgement? I like that like Morph, I can take on many roles. I like to fill in the holes in people's lives. For many, I am that inconsequential, but fun to have around friend. I suppose I like being that way. Close enough to feel like I can make their lives a little happier, not close enough to care too much.
This is Morph, from Treasure Planet, if you don't know. I chose the saddest-looking picture from Google images because this is how I fucking feel right now.
I don't like it when I get too close to someone. Attachment, to me, is like a drug. And as much as I hate to admit it, when I get attached to someone... I get attached to someone. It's not healthy. It's not nice. I hate myself for it. That's why I sincerely dislike having people in my personal space because sooner or later they will leave and there will be a hole in my bubble which should not be there.
It's at times like these that I wonder what happens after I'm dead. I don't mean to myself- I know what I'll do, I'll just die, simple as that- but to the other people that used to know me. How would they know of my passing? Would they rejoice? Would they be sad? Would they care?
If I died I probably wouldn't care much about myself. Hah. Then again I wouldn't know.
All I want is just validation, I guess. Just something to know that I'm doing things right. Because all I want to do is just make other people satisfied... and to not treat me like a problem. So I'll gladly be what they want me to be, because that's just who I am.
Morph.
"Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more." When Shakespeare wrote Macbeth (which is where part of this soliloquy comes from), he understood the realities of the world, knowing that we would all live and try to be someone or model ourselves to someone or something, and die without anyone caring.
ReplyDeleteYou are a nice girl, Anne, and you know it. This blog post exposed a paradox in you; if you know that you want to be who you want to be, then why are you still confused about what do you really want to be? If you know what you want to be, then you should know what to do in order to be what you want to be. You have a cynical outlook in life? I think it's just overthinking of your part, a nice cycle of turning yourself to a casual realist, which isn't that bad at all. Overthinking is not a taboo, but a curse that would haunt you for the rest of your life.
Friends come and go, but feelings linger, I understand your theory very well. Morph, as you say, but you could never morph because you already morphed into something intangible and unchangeable ever since you are out of your little well in your private Secondary school: You. Anne Law, the girl who is currently studying in ADP, still wondering about the ways of how life works in pieces and notes that people stick on your face as they walk past you in life.
Life works like that and it should be. There shouldn't be a constant thing in life, for if there is, then there will be the need for more power. For more control. For more materials that will be needed to sustain the sinking ship. Sail onwards and never look back while cherishing the ones around you is a much more viable choice than keeping all your emotional over-thoughts in your mind. We got a brain and we should use it, yes, but we should know when not to use it too.
Life is made out of three things: money, sex and greed. You are going to experience all three even though I am pretty sure you have experienced the first and the last of life. It is nothing but cold air, a breeze that ruffles your hair, making you feel comfortable and good about life while only lasting for mere seconds. "Be who you really are" from me is not really a term where I generally ask you to be who you want to be; it is a derogatory term of you not displaying what's in you and why should you not show it when your friends and family gave you their utmost faith and heart?
Of course, I'm not here to judge you or educate you like Samson or whatever. I come as a friend, a confidant who wants you to know that there are people out there who would want you to show yourself. People who care, like me.
No worries, your insecurities are safe with me. Just make sure you don't turn into a casual realist because you'll make a pretty bad one.
-Other Father