Fucking Tired Doesn't Even Qualify

So I know I've been moaning all around the place about how tired I am. But right now my brain isn't even at the brain fuzzed level.

I'm so completely out of energy I feel like I'm using my brain cells itself as my energy source. Each hour that drags on by kills a bit more of my brain.

It's like I can't escape this vicious cycle. I'm always busy, I've always got things to do. I've got academic and social obligations. I've got people I have to smile at. I've got friends I have to talk to. I've got things I have to finish.

I hate that I have to deal with these obligations. I say obligations, because I can actually choose to say no, as many people have actually advised me to. But they're my obligations. It's not like I can not expect the consequences to come back at me later.

Besides, I guess it's a decision I don't want to regret later in the future.

Fuck that. I want to sleep. I need the rest.

I'm being selfish again. Oh god I hate this.

Insecurities, What Else Is New?

So I've been having a tough week. What with all the deadlines next week and assignments and this seriously, SERIOUSLY bad habit of procrastination I have, and the social obligations that seem to jam itself into this weekend... In short, I am screwed.

Le petit ami isn't that much better off, and I suppose I must be selfish for wanting attention at this time. Surely one can't concentrate properly if someone keeps distracting you? Priorities gotta be straight, after all.

I guess I should apologize for bring so harsh all the time... Obviously becoming a special someone didn't quite change my attitude. @___@" I do wish I could treat you better, though. I suppose I just don't know how to express it as well as I should.

And as usual I think of the worst scenarios all the time. All the bad shit. My mind just comes up with them like the hurricane that brought Dorothy into Oz. I know I need to stop doing so, considering how it tends to affect me, but... Minds don't particularly like to take orders.

I should know, I've been screaming at my brain to do some proper work for the past two days to no avail.

I remember I had more to write... But I suppose even if I do it isn't going to go anywhere. I'll have probably just found way to write something in different words, that's it.

I'll be needing coffee pretty badly later when I wake up. Aww fuck. :(

Georgetown Literary Festival Class Trip!

It's Sunday, also the last day of our Creative Writing class trip. :(

Waiting at the Aeroline office at Queensbay mall now, the six of us. It's been so fun the past two days, exploring places with people my age... Since usually traveling places has been with parents and there are just some things you don't do with parents...

Had a lot of firsts this time, in Penang! It's quite interesting. I saw the town at night! We walked the streets past usual times and saw all sorts of people and pretty things. It was rather awe-inspiring to see the empty roads and little lights of pubs and backpacker hotels shining, and then wondering about them. I just wonder, actually. I don't really think too deep into things. Is that why Ms Bernice says I'm too shallow in my writing? Maybe I don't question enough. Maybe I don't speak out enough. Maybe I just smile too often and let thing wash over my head and I'm quite oblivious to the situation. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I should know. :\

A lot of the discussions were rather detached to me. I think it's because I don't have the writer's mentality any more. I know it's completely tragic that I've lost my writing mojo but that's what you get when you can't type on a laptop and have to rely on small screens. I can't even judge properly the length of my writings. ;_; what a tragedy!

Trying to type on a bus while nursing a headache is not a good idea. My tummy is churning, I'm close to throwing up now I think. Damn.

ERMAHGERD BUSES

I'm high! No actually I'm just lacking sleep. It happens that I get really restless before I crash so right now I'm just at that bit where I can't keep my eyes open and can't keep my mouth shut. This is also why everything I'm typing! Ends! In exclamation marks!

Currently sitting on the bus to Penang with Eu Jin, Andrea, Wei Lim, Sheryl and Nelson! :D Eu Jin and I are having fun trying to make Andrea miserable, not that she isn't already. But more so. HAHAHAHA!

Oh dear god I'm so tired...

Missing people already. Le petit ami, for one, but more of my mom. :\ the Snickers she bought just makes me miss her more. What nonsense is this tho, I won't be seeing her for the weekend. Ugh! >_<

This broadcast is disturbingly noisy and unintelligible. And so long! Ugh, #rude! == tsk. Please,
1. Better speakers and
2. Better microphone and
3. Better broadcaster, generally.
I'm not sure which of problem 1 and 2 is the main issue but problem 3 is a definite big issue here.

Oh at least the blankets are really soft and nice.

I'll sleep. I gotta sleep otherwise I will not be able to function properly past the weekend. >_<

Oh Look! MIDNIGHT!

Leaving to Penang in approximately 17 hours and a half. I'm really quite excited about the literary festival with the Creative Writing class, it'll be a blast! My mom bought a box of Snickers for me as well, how nice! :D I am reminded of Forest Gump, which reminds me of Bubba Gump, which reminds me of yesterday's fish... Ugh.

However I'm both physically and mentally exhausted. This would be the fourth week (in a month, in a row!!) that I wouldn't be able to spend my weekend properly. As in, relaxing. == sigh. Why am I doing this to myself. :(

It's been such a busy month for me. Never having time to do stuff or hang out or just get some quiet time. Nope, no can do. Rushing here and there for assignments, group discussions, lunches... Many times I'm tempted to just curl up by the lake on the grass under the shade and sleep. Just close my eyes and drift away.

But that's like something out of a movie and it's not happening, so I deal with being busy and moaning about being busy. ;_;

And having said that, I've not been able to spend much time with Le petit ami as well the whole month. Went for dinner yesterday, which was great tho the food was quite a let down, and just enjoyed each other's company. I missed those days where we just sit together and talk about everything. :) I wish I had a little more energy tho. >_<

Midnight and I haven't finished packing for Penang yet. Oh dear. Ohhhh dear. :(

Acts

Ah. Double post, within two hours? When I blog I guess it's usually something that's really eating me.

Then I have make many posts about it because I'm vague and uncertain like a prophesier.

It troubling for me to go through this load of emotional bullshit again at this time. I really can't afford it. Studies are pressing on me, undone ETs eat at the back of mind, friendships start to fray at the end and relationships seem so much more murky now.

I guess I've reverted back to when I viewed the world with layered glasses. Meaningful layer after layer like the peels of an onion. Trying to peel each layer off just makes you cry so you just look at it with its skin on. The skin doesn't make you tear up, but the others will.

Quite sad, really, how the rose-tinted ones broke with the slap across my face. At least I've had them for a month, maybe more. I did quite enjoy myself greatly seeing things in shades of grandeur and optimism.

As usual I turn to One Republic. Others have their Radiohead and Skrillex and Metallica, I play safe with OneRepublic because they mend my soul with lyrics and words and beautiful songs.

Beautiful. Now that word has got a heavier meaning attached to it and I'm not sure what to feel about it. Certainly I appreciate the gesture greatly.

I wonder if I'm being fair to the people around me, but then again, it's not like I have a choice, right? I'm not selfless and all-loving. I care about others, but what use is that if I can't love myself first? Obviously self-hate is not helping me in any way here. Now is not the time to ponder upon the great dislike I have of myself. Lets save it for another rainy day.

Cold Skin

I don't understand why these days I've been feeling so cold.

Could be because I'm getting sick. Could be because the air-conditioning in Taylor's is just too damn cold. Could be because it's been raining everyday.

And I've always read in stories about how someone turns cold. As though suddenly all your heat just dissipates like ink in hot water.

I honestly always thought that it was creative license, to make things sound more dramatic.

It sucks then to have the heat dissipate off you like ink in hot water and all of a sudden you feel nothing and it's just cold. Nothing but cold.

Nothing but coldness in my veins. It sucks. I generally dislike the cold, but in this case, I just went numb.

I'm shivering as I type this. The fan blowing cold, after-rain air over my self does not help.

I still don't know what to do. My mind is blank. Quiet rain falls gently over the smooth flat stone steps in the Japanese rock garden in my head. Just water dripping and the silence of nature.

And now I'm listening to OneRepublic again because I can't help myself. I need some ridiculously sad music now.

I'm still cold.