Ah well. The curtain lifted on the issue with the Boyfriend... That's a good thing. Though what first made me worry... I thought we had set ground rules. == Apparently someone forgot them. Sigh. It's quite confusing, really. :\ Although this shouldn't be a problem...? I guess kinks would happen every now and then, it's quite unavoidable. Fortunately they can be worked out. C:
I'm blogging now because I foresee two weeks or so of my head in my 3DS because I managed to get my hands on KH:3D!!!!! Thank you so much, Brandon! I owe you a huge one!!! >w<
Poetry is coming to an end now... I'm just glad I managed to breakthrough somewhat. Instead of "tightly controlled, shallow" work I suppose I'm hitting on something a little closer to home? Obviously zombies don't work. xD
Film class worries me though. :( It's quite sad to see Mr Rey angry in every other class because no one at the back would speak up! People! TALK! As he's said, it's not a good habit of Malaysians to sit still and be passive! It's a horrendous habit! Stop it! I want to answer his questions, but then I wait for you guys to answer because he doesn't want answers from me anymore. == It's not that hard. His questions are easy! They're not textbooks answers, it's logic, it's the things he's mentioned in class, again and again. Or maybe that's why you guys find it hard? Because answers can't be found on a textbook?
Mood swings have taken hold of me. That's not a good sign. It annoys me that I'm silently furious half the time now. I hate this. This is why I didn't want to break that comfort zone I had, because now I have to deal with all these shit. //rage
But then again. I guess I have to thank Ms Bernice for making me break that comfort zone... :\ I'll work it out.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
又来心酸
还没开始我就明白自己站在什么立场
明知道会辛苦 却 硬着头皮坑下去
。。。我到底是白痴还是自虐狂？
该理智的事情 该无情 该不理
可是看见你所写的一切 让我不尽想对墙壁喊
喊，但我不知道要喊什么
呆呆地
站在那里。
＊
看见朋友经历我所经历的。
同样的感受。同样的无奈。
想飞去英国看看他
但是有心无力、对不起。只能上网陪你度过难关。。。
就如那时的我
也有朋友 陪我度过难关
＊
人生 这条漫长的路
才走不到一半！
我
啊 笨蛋
我在慌什么
Friday, October 19, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
BRAIN FUZZ
You know that odd feeling when you brain kind of just floats around in your skull, all fuzzy and weird? Yeah that. I like to call it brain fuzz. Granted I've only just dubbed it, but yes I will refer to it as brain fuzz from now on.
Brain fuzz for at least like a day fuck.
Tried to take naps in between today but then people got in the way. But since I'm me, people > sleep so yeah, still brain fuzzed.
(Pretty sure this blog post will make no sense haha)
Have I mentioned how much Creative Writing has changed my life? Because. Because it has. If you still haven't gotten a proper idea, Creative Writing flipped my life upside down.
Actually I quite like the view from the ceiling.
I find myself walking down this road that I've never dared to walk before. Horror stories. Bad things happening. It's like I'm walking into a dark cave, or that crack in the wall in the middle of town which no one ever talks of except to warn me away from it but people still go in. Then come out, different.
It is weird. This imagery in my head. I want to write it out or draw it out or something, but brain fuzz and sleep and 8am morning call.
When I think back on the past month... No, six months... I am surprised at how much I grew up. I am also surprised at how much I don't want to grow up. No wait that's not right. How much my family don't see growing up as a good thing. Understandable. They haven't grown up.
I don't dare to say I've suddenly aged and become "adult". No, I think I've still got some ways to go. But I do agree that I am innocent and naive. Was, once. Now, less. Still am, probably.
I'm not saying that we must discard all innocence and naivety to grow up. But at least we need to learn that which is not innocent. That which is corrupt and decadent and vulgar, because only when we learn this can we make full judgement. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But writing this at 1am with brain fuzz, I believe this might just make it into my material for ENGL210.
Sometimes. I wonder about hypocrisy. I'm a huge hypocrite, I know. But now I see people differently. She used to be the perfect vision of lawful good. Now I see a hypocrite and scared woman. Suddenly life just... sucks. I've lost my wiling suspension of disbelief for the golden screen. Now I'm looking into her eyes and just thinking that she's been through too much. I suppose her blanket of innocence is the only thing keeping her from cracking. She's just a young child who was thrown into the lion pits. She survived, but only because she shut herself away from the lions. In mind. Just like him.
They both shut themselves up and sealed it with angry words and delirious accusations. Her in her innocence and him in his corruption.
When you think about it, it's sad.
I'd like to think more about it but my brain is fuzzed. I can't write shit for gold now. Verbal vomit indeed.
I wonder what more I'd see after the cage is unlocked. What world awaits me.
I wonder if I'll continue down the road.
Brain fuzz for at least like a day fuck.
Tried to take naps in between today but then people got in the way. But since I'm me, people > sleep so yeah, still brain fuzzed.
(Pretty sure this blog post will make no sense haha)
Have I mentioned how much Creative Writing has changed my life? Because. Because it has. If you still haven't gotten a proper idea, Creative Writing flipped my life upside down.
Actually I quite like the view from the ceiling.
I find myself walking down this road that I've never dared to walk before. Horror stories. Bad things happening. It's like I'm walking into a dark cave, or that crack in the wall in the middle of town which no one ever talks of except to warn me away from it but people still go in. Then come out, different.
It is weird. This imagery in my head. I want to write it out or draw it out or something, but brain fuzz and sleep and 8am morning call.
When I think back on the past month... No, six months... I am surprised at how much I grew up. I am also surprised at how much I don't want to grow up. No wait that's not right. How much my family don't see growing up as a good thing. Understandable. They haven't grown up.
I don't dare to say I've suddenly aged and become "adult". No, I think I've still got some ways to go. But I do agree that I am innocent and naive. Was, once. Now, less. Still am, probably.
I'm not saying that we must discard all innocence and naivety to grow up. But at least we need to learn that which is not innocent. That which is corrupt and decadent and vulgar, because only when we learn this can we make full judgement. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But writing this at 1am with brain fuzz, I believe this might just make it into my material for ENGL210.
Sometimes. I wonder about hypocrisy. I'm a huge hypocrite, I know. But now I see people differently. She used to be the perfect vision of lawful good. Now I see a hypocrite and scared woman. Suddenly life just... sucks. I've lost my wiling suspension of disbelief for the golden screen. Now I'm looking into her eyes and just thinking that she's been through too much. I suppose her blanket of innocence is the only thing keeping her from cracking. She's just a young child who was thrown into the lion pits. She survived, but only because she shut herself away from the lions. In mind. Just like him.
They both shut themselves up and sealed it with angry words and delirious accusations. Her in her innocence and him in his corruption.
When you think about it, it's sad.
I'd like to think more about it but my brain is fuzzed. I can't write shit for gold now. Verbal vomit indeed.
I wonder what more I'd see after the cage is unlocked. What world awaits me.
I wonder if I'll continue down the road.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Well then.
It's close to 6pm on this day of my father's birthday. Ironically he isn't here and I'm waiting for my mom to pick me up to go to his birthday dinner.
Hmm.
Not really sure what to write. I have plenty of things to write, but I'm not sure what exactly to write about now.Maybe my fabulous new clothes.
Shit has been happening. I think I'm caught in that spot between traditional thinking and free thinking. Conservative culture and liberal culture.
It breaks my heart, really it does.
It hurts that she doesn't understand me. I don't even feel like she's trying. She just instantly rejects my thoughts or opinions once they don't sound right to her. If she sees this though, she'll probably yell at me for putting words into her mouth again. Unfortunately this is exactly what she's doing. I just put it in a very harsh way. It hurts even worse that we used to be so close together.
I'm pretty sure there's something I can do, but I've tried being nice and friendly to no avail, so I'm done with this shit.
There are a lot of things I probably could have forgiven in the past, but not now. Now I'm my own person so I'd like to have my own opinions, thanks.
Hahahaha my parents would probably scream that I'm too much influenced by American culture. Ironically I was put in ADP by them so really they're got no meat to that. Also it's called voicing out. Generally asians tend to conform. I don't want to anymore.
I think I'll just go camwhore in my fabulous new clothes now. :\
Hmm.
Not really sure what to write. I have plenty of things to write, but I'm not sure what exactly to write about now.
Shit has been happening. I think I'm caught in that spot between traditional thinking and free thinking. Conservative culture and liberal culture.
It breaks my heart, really it does.
It hurts that she doesn't understand me. I don't even feel like she's trying. She just instantly rejects my thoughts or opinions once they don't sound right to her. If she sees this though, she'll probably yell at me for putting words into her mouth again. Unfortunately this is exactly what she's doing. I just put it in a very harsh way. It hurts even worse that we used to be so close together.
I'm pretty sure there's something I can do, but I've tried being nice and friendly to no avail, so I'm done with this shit.
There are a lot of things I probably could have forgiven in the past, but not now. Now I'm my own person so I'd like to have my own opinions, thanks.
Hahahaha my parents would probably scream that I'm too much influenced by American culture. Ironically I was put in ADP by them so really they're got no meat to that. Also it's called voicing out. Generally asians tend to conform. I don't want to anymore.
I think I'll just go camwhore in my fabulous new clothes now. :\
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
I'm Supposed To Be Writing Poems
In direct contrast to my previous post which my Other Father Andy has so gleefully... shared... a few weeks back... I suppose I can say that everything now has changed... greatly.
Well.
My month of depressingly pathetic Facebook statuses and whiney complaints is finally over, and I am still quite embarrassed to believe I actually wrote and posted stuff that seems like it came out from a bad, cliched chick flick/shojo manga/romance novel.
It sort of makes me shrivel up on the inside while banging my head on a hard surface repeatedly. But it's an important step I took, I guess, so I'll keep it just to remind myself of all the shit I went through.And to remind the Boyfriend as well.
Shockingly enough, I am not single anymore. It was super weird thinking that last week, but I think I'm a little more used to it now. Hahaha.
(I'm starting to think I should private my blog now, SO YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO STALK ME, ANDY.)
Skipping to a completely different topic, I absolutely adore Creative Writing because it is fabulous and wonderful. I feel like a different person altogether after taking that class. I think I grew up quite a lot these few weeks, and understood myself a lot better. I think crying over yourself makes you do that. Understand yourself. Then you cry. Then you understand yourself. Again the cycle repeats.
It's a little past 1am and I'm supposed to be writing poems. I love poems, they're just so precious. Hard to understand at times, but precious nonetheless. That being said I dread letting other people review them, despite how much I enjoy writing them.
Just because I like writing does not mean I particularly enjoy people reading my shit unless I intend for them to read it. Most of the times I don't. Other times I write fan fiction. HAHAHAHA.
Listening to music was supposed to get my creative juice flowing and my writing gear kick in. I suppose it did, only it kicked into the wrong gear. LOL. Poems! Instead I'm blogging, (which was sorely in need of an update, true) while Roxas' theme plays in the background.
I want to sleep.
Well.
My month of depressingly pathetic Facebook statuses and whiney complaints is finally over, and I am still quite embarrassed to believe I actually wrote and posted stuff that seems like it came out from a bad, cliched chick flick/shojo manga/romance novel.
It sort of makes me shrivel up on the inside while banging my head on a hard surface repeatedly. But it's an important step I took, I guess, so I'll keep it just to remind myself of all the shit I went through.
Shockingly enough, I am not single anymore. It was super weird thinking that last week, but I think I'm a little more used to it now. Hahaha.
(I'm starting to think I should private my blog now, SO YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO STALK ME, ANDY.)
Skipping to a completely different topic, I absolutely adore Creative Writing because it is fabulous and wonderful. I feel like a different person altogether after taking that class. I think I grew up quite a lot these few weeks, and understood myself a lot better. I think crying over yourself makes you do that. Understand yourself. Then you cry. Then you understand yourself. Again the cycle repeats.
It's a little past 1am and I'm supposed to be writing poems. I love poems, they're just so precious. Hard to understand at times, but precious nonetheless. That being said I dread letting other people review them, despite how much I enjoy writing them.
Just because I like writing does not mean I particularly enjoy people reading my shit unless I intend for them to read it. Most of the times I don't. Other times I write fan fiction. HAHAHAHA.
Listening to music was supposed to get my creative juice flowing and my writing gear kick in. I suppose it did, only it kicked into the wrong gear. LOL. Poems! Instead I'm blogging, (which was sorely in need of an update, true) while Roxas' theme plays in the background.
I want to sleep.
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