How to Impress People With Your Non-existant Cooking Skills

I've never been any good at cooking. The best I've done is make instant noodles. But for all the other cooking-idiots out there, there are tricks to come up with a ridiculously simple dish that would impress people who previously never thought you knew how to turn on the gas.

Fried rice is the epitome of a ridiculously easy meal. An 8-year-old can fry rice. So can you.

The best thing about fried rice is that there are no fixed recipes for it. You can add anything you like, and excluded anything you don't like. Even to that though, there are some basic things you should have, which I will list.

Things you need to prepare:

• A wok. Or frying pan, but a wok is better. 

See, this is how cooking fried rice feels like.

• Oil. Any sort of oil would work. If you don't have any, butter is a nice substitute. Margarine is not advisable.
• Rice. (Cooked rice, mind you.) You can use left-over rice from the day before, but make sure it has been refrigerated. Leave to room temperature if that's the case.
• Vegetables. Many people are disgusted with vegetables and don't want them anywhere close to their mouths, but vegetables are found in many dishes for the simple reason that they are good. And I mean taste-wise. Vegetables add flavor to the dish, and since fried rice is generally tasteless, you MUST have at least one kind of vegetable to mix. (The more the merrier!) A good base would be cabbage and carrots. I personally like to add tomatoes.
• Eggs. Crack them open and beat them until they have bubbles on the surface. Personally I like to add a small dollop of mayonaise to make the egg fluffier. Beat continuously. Make sure the egg mixture is very light and bubbly!!!

Bubbly egg, like this.

• Meat. (Optional) Take a small piece of meat, boneless. Let it thaw if it's been kept in the fridge and make sure it's soft.
• Seasonings. Here you can go crazy. Get soy sauce, salt, a small amount of ajinomoto if you so feel like, but keep in mind that this will be how your fried rice will taste like. If you feel like sweet fried rice, sure, but a good tip is to NEVER overdose on the salt.

Great, now that you have all these things, it's simple enough after a short grocery trip. Now comes the fun part. You get to play around... WITH A MOTHAFUCKIN' KNIFE.

Cutting shit up, with a chainsaw.

First, you cut shit up.

Get the meat and SLICE, DICE and STAB THE THING until it's dice-sized cubes. If you think you're chef enough, marinate the meat to get some flavor.

Now get the green stuff. Chop the vegetables until they're just shreds of fiber. Don't mash them though. Small pieces will suffice.

After all this, don't forget to clean the blood off your weapon knife and keep it. Set the wok or pan over the stove and let it heat while you take a rest. Here, have a beer for all that hard work. After the wok heats up (you can stick your hand onto it to check its temperature, however insurance does not cover intentional self-burning), add about two spoonfuls of oil. Let the oil heat up.

If you have prepared meat, fry it first. throw them into the wok gently and stir fry. Basically just move the meat around with the spatula so it doesn't stick to the wok. Fry until cooked, then take them out and leave it aside.

Add more oil. Now time to fry those leafy green things! Just stir them around until they look cooked. Make sure they go through immense pain. Take them out.

You can already imagine the screams.

Now we fry the egg!! Add oil again. Pour the egg mixture and let it cook. You don't have to worry about it not being perfect, you're going to mess it all up anyways. Try to let it cook until it's not too liquid, but still soft.

Now after this, throw the rice in. Add whatever seasoning you feel like, and mix the rice thoroughly with the egg. By this point you should lower to a small fire. Mix together the rest of the stuff you've cooked and then make changes to the dish according to taste.

When you deem it edible, spoon it out on a plate and there you have it: Fried rice.

Yeah your shit ain't gonna look as good as this, but just

 be sure you don't put anyone in the hospital.