In Limbo

I've been putting off going to America for much too long, and it frustrates me.

On one hand I'm so reluctant to leave my home, my friends, my life here in Malaysia... On the other I'm so excited, so desperate to want to explore and be amazed.

I've met some problems with my application, which set me back another half a year. And in this free time when I step out a little to experience with my internship, I realize I'm not young enough to hide behind a silly reason for not being useful or responsible anymore.

I'm 20 years old with nothing to my name, with plans long-discarded or abandoned.

The same friends who used to look to me enviously because I'm granted the gift to study abroad have already experienced their first years in another country, being scared and overcoming their fears. They've grown up, matured somewhat, and gained a fraction of independence.

At the same time I sit at home and scroll the depths of the interwebs, aching for such a day.

I know it won't be easy- then again nothing ever is, and an object at rest stays at rest- but do I ever want to be part of the buzzing, vigorous life. Creating magic and filling the world with saturated youth and blind optimism because I can, because I want to, because I believe so.

I want to go out and explore, fly away and find new things, open my eyes to controversy, think scandalous thoughts and write about things that inspire, disgust, interest, horrify me all with enthusiasm only the young can generate.

Except I don't want to end when I'm not-young, I want to end when I'm not-remembered (which implies that I will not die in traditional silly means like body decay) and when no one knows my name anymore.

Of course all this is nothing but wishful thinking, because we all think we can change the world.

Now I just need to get up and do something about it.