The Long Distance Disease

A long distance relationship is not a permanent solution.

It should only ever be temporary at most, and both parties need to always remind themselves that there is more to life than counting time zones and waiting for that call. Some people will tell you that a LDR is a test of strength to see what your relationship is made of. While that statement is true, even the most vigorous test doesn't last two years. A long distance that is just too far for far too long is anything but ideal. When the difference is as stark as night and day, and seeing each other would involve 20-hour plane rides and a hefty sum of cash, even temporary has a limit. 

The first six months were fine. We had daily Skype calls and a care package every two months. We were texting every second and the aching absence was felt so strongly. I would imagine holding his hand as I walked home from the grocery store, because I still remembered the way his hands felt. 

And then the absence goes away a tiny bit. Each person would have settled into a routine without the other. Each person had other concerns: work, school, family, friends. Life wasn't as painful anymore. Free time was still largely allocated to your partner, but daily life didn't truly involve them. Life was still good. We talked. We laughed. We did our best over spotty internet connection and a screen. We watched TV shows and gamed together.

Then there's a big change somewhere. Someone steps into a new phase of life without the other. A graduation. A celebration. A new job. A new interest or hobby. Of course, we share the news. We talk about it. We're genuinely happy for each other and we support each other. But being happy for someone is not the same as celebrating together. It slips a tiny bit, and updating each other takes more time and effort to explain everything. And then someone becomes busier with sudden workload and Skype calls are now shorter and quieter. Netflix dates are postponed. One person is significantly higher level in the same game. Suddenly the things that you've missed out seem to have grown unreasonably large. Birthdays, concerts, movie premiers. Every time an opportunity comes up, there is no option to go together. Someone feels left behind. Someone feels held back.

All those months of not being together shapes you into different people. A new social circle, or new classes, or simply just not being around each other, will change people. Relationships are about growing together, with each other. Unfortunately, a long distance relationship forces you to grow... regardless. Sometimes we can't keep up with each others' life. A weekend event or that heavy workload takes a while to remember. Inside jokes with other friends that you're not a part of. New haircuts. A detail that you assumed they would know but they don't. You would both try to stay the same but it simply doesn't happen. Life goes on. Time doesn't wait. And then one day you will realize that the person you left is not the same person sitting in front of a laptop screen. 

Then both parties have just become used to being apart. Growing used to absence. Seeing pictures of each other but not being able to watch the way their eyes light up, or stroke their hair, or feel their warmth. Carrying the ghosts of each other around without truly materializing.

A long distance relationship forces you to focus on the past and the future. There is very little substantial present to be brought to the table, and that's dangerous. If you focus on how good it was in the past, you will look up one day and realize everyone else has moved forward. If you focus on how good it will be in the future, you will risk blinding yourself to present problems. 

The good news is that for most people, the long distance is simply temporary. No one ever expects to stay in a long distance relationship forever. Eventually there must be some sort of compromise. Someone must move. Someone must come. Eventually, you will be together again.

And when that happens, the pain and loneliness of the long distance simply falls away.

So hold on. Have faith. Keep going. It will be worth it in the end.